


It was like time had slowed down

by shadesquadvip1



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bi, Coming Out, Concert, Confused Harry, Confused Louis, Daddy Liam, Demisexuality, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Future, Gay, Harry hurt during a concert, Hospital, Hurt Harry, Hurt! Harry, I will add more of these later I guess, Interview, Lottie 19 in this, M/M, Medical Trauma, Nottie?, Sad Direction, Sad Louis, Sad! Louis, Sick Harry, Sick! Harry, Sophiam, Starting Over, Unspoken words, Words left unsaid, alot of figuring things out, because a 17 yr old Lottie and 22 year old Niall is not okay, because having them now will give too much away, he makes a cameo or two though, is that a thing?, ish?, larry - Freeform, louis helps, love is love, post zayn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-04-07 14:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 62,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4266471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadesquadvip1/pseuds/shadesquadvip1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is being interviewed and is asked to name the most defining moment of his life, and it is not being put into One Direction</p>
<p>"It was a normal concert day and show like all the rest, I had my bandmates by my side, and thousands of eyes on me. I never would have guessed that on this night I would have only wanted one set of particularly green eyes to meet mine. But that's all I think about now as I try and coax them open, and I start to wonder why I ever thought I needed more." -LT </p>
<p>Or the one where the boys are on tour in mid summer in Southern Spain, it gets too hot, Harry get's hurt, Louis tries to help, and everyone has hopes that things will be okay and bounce back to normal. But they don't and suddenly everyone is starting over in new places, just trying to figure everything out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> So this is going to be long, and I am not quite sure where it will lead, I'll have to add more tags and things like that. This is basically just to see if I should even bother posting it here, because either way I am going to finish it. I hope you enjoy , leave comments and all that so I know if it's worth it to continue updating and posting! Lots of angst, and hurt, and fluff, and confusion, and finding themselves.

“and what, do you feel, has been the most defining moment for you over the last six years Louis?”

I pause and take a breath, “You know they always say that there are times in your life that are defining, and I for one know all about them, I did land meself in the biggest boyband in the world after all.” We both laugh at that. “And I witnessed my mother raise four girls and find love again, and bring two new lives into the world, showing off her dedication and love for raising her family. I watched all my sisters grow and flourish, there have been like I said, a fair share of defining moments in my life. But none quite so defining as the day of that particular show, I’m sure you know the one I’m mentioning, I’d even go as far as to say that that day had more of an impact on me than even being put into One Direction had in the first place.”

July 24th 2016 – 1 hour into concert   
It was like time had slowed down, god that’s cliché but there it is I suppose. All I could do was watch, the show was going just like always, Niall center stage with his guitar, Liam and I chasing each other like kids water guns and all, and Harry is out front shining bright. I didn’t even realize what was happening at first, maybe that makes me a shit bandmate, and an even shittier friend, but the show was going so well, and the other lads didn’t notice either. I mean it is always so loud and there are always screams and shrieks, it wasn’t until I heard the thunk in my in-ears that I even thought to look across the stage. Mic drops happened all the time, but they were never followed by such loud screams or the wave of movement I saw sweep across the crowd. And a mic drop did not ever constitute the music to stop. I saw a boot in the air and then nothing. One moment I’m belting out a chorus and blowing kisses to the fans and the next my brain is running a thousand meters a second trying to wrap around what I saw in the few moments it took for everything to fall into place.” I huff out a shaky breath and remember thinking "Liam and I weren’t even on that level of the stage, it’s not a far drop down, he could have grabbed the rail, he’ll be walking back round to the stage any second, why did the music stop?"


	2. A Day like Any Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre Show

July 24th 2016- Pre Concert 

Like most days, Niall is pounding on the door at half six shouting “Wake yer lazy bum up Tommo!” Even though we don’t have to be up until quarter past ten. I pass into the kitchen bleary eyed but delighted to find my tea in my mug and Harry making a proper fry up. Liam is attempting to read some emails, while Niall continues to bounce around like a mad man blasting Ariana Grande through his phone speakers.   
“Is Fiz gonna be at the show tonight Lou? I promised her I’d bring back her book soon.”   
“Yeah she and mum and all the twins will be, and Dan if he can make it.”

The smile flashed at my over his shoulder set me at ease. The love he has for them, my family, his family, we are all really a family now. I know not only Harry, but the other lads as well would fight to the death for any of my sisters and I’d do the same for their families in a heartbeat. 

“Sophie is coming as well” Liam voices from the hallway, He begins to put on his coat “think I’m going to head out home and start getting ready, we’ve got the flight at eight sound check round half twelve and show starts at-“ “Six!, yes Dad we know!” Niall chimes in slapping his hands down on Liam’s shoulders and moving around him in the hall to deposit dishes into the sink. 

Thankfully funneling all of his preshow energy into cleaning up around the flat. Liam exits the front door as I finish up my tea and browse through emails about 78 as well as my twitter feed. Harry was already upstairs as I began to make my way up, Niall was still on the couch flicking through the channels. 

“Nialler I’m headed up, you need a ride home to get ready since Liam’s gone?”   
“Nope”   
“but don’t you need to change?”  
“can change here, still got a whole dresser full of clothes in the spare room from a few months back, when we had that extended sleep over”   
“Niall, you haven’t stayed in the guest room since Christmas”   
“Yeah I know I just said that”  
“Christmas was almost 7 months ago Niall, honestly don’t you have your own million dollar home to live in?”  
“Oh come off it Tommo, you love having me around and you know it!” 

“LOU!” I hear Harry from upstairs, I roll my eyes and ruffle Niall’s hair and head towards his suite. I poke my head around the corner 

“What’s up Haz?”   
“Have you seen a hair brush anywhere?” “No love sorry, check the suitcase you had it in Ireland”   
“yeah, right” 

 

I walk across the hall to my room and start to get ready, I throw on black skinnies and a tank, I wander back to Harry’s room 

“find it?”   
“Yeah thanks”

He is wearing a silk dress shirt and an identical pair of black skinnies. He looks over from the mirror and smiles, 

“You ready for tonight H?”   
“yeah it’s our first time in Seville”

I walk over to the bathroom 

“yeah, it’s supposed to be blistering, wish we could wear shorts”   
“me too” 

as he turns around, I reach up and tuck a loose curl behind his ear which elicits a huge grin. 

“Are you taking a bag? I wasn’t going to carry anything”   
“Yeah I’ll have the backpack since we aren’t staying overnight, The car will be here in about 10, m’gonna go make sure everything’s cleaned up, bring my bag down will you?”   
“Yeah sure Lou I’ll be down in a bit”. 

I trod down the stairs and towards the living room, Niall is fast asleep on the couch an open beer and bag of crisps on the table with a muted tennis match on the telly. I shake my head and gather the garbage and shut the tv off, as I go into the kitchen I remember that there is a can of whipped cream left over from the last party. I grab it and make my way back to the living room, just as I’m about to douse Niall’s face in whipped cream, Harry comes bounding down the stairs and Niall jolts awake. I spray him with the whipped cream anyways which causes a chase to ensue all around the living room. “Guys we’ve got to go, cars here” We end our chase and scramble to the bathroom to clean off the whipped cream. 

The car ride to Heathrow is short, and we get in and through security without much hassle. We take our plane since it’s only a two hour flight, and when we board Liam and Sophia, as well as Lottie, and Fizzy are all on board. Niall bounds over and squeezes between Lottie and Fiz and Harry and I take the row in front of them. 

“Haz, we have flown about a million times, I can’t believe you still get nervous for take off”   
“s’not funny Lou, it’s unnerving”   
“but once we are in the air you’re always fine”  
“yeah I know”   
I notice that he is clenching his fists together to keep his hands from trembling.  
“Harry come on look at me, It’s going to be alright, it’s just the anticipation of it all, it’s like getting scared before a shot, but it’ll be over quick and painless, happy days yeah?”   
He giggles at that   
“yeah Lou happy days”   
We start to speed down the runway and I place my hand over his, he breathes out a shaky breath and we are in the air. 

About 45 minutes into the flight Liam saunters over to our section where Harry is curled up reading and I am playing virtual footie, sue me okay, I like the game. 

“Louis, Harry, do you guys want to put on a film? We’ve got about two hours left before we land”   
“Yeah sure, Harry?”   
“As long as its not the history of Derby I don’t mind” 

Niall squawks from the other side of the seats “Oi you love Derby, best team in the world”   
“Oh sure sure Niall, I’ll bet you’ll change your tune when Watford wipes the floor with them next season”   
“Yer just jealous of our mascot Harry”

Liam and I watching this debacle unfold smugly staring back and forth at the two bantering, I knew what was coming next before Harry even opened his mouth. 

“Yes Niall because you have had such luck with rams, what was it that happened two summers ago? Oh that’s right, all we heard about all week was how sore your bum was from a ram literally head-butting you”   
Liam and I both on queue responded “oh no Niall” He turned beat red and turned back in his seat and grumbles “Are we going to pick out a film?” 

Harry, Liam, and I along with the girls are all laughing hysterically now. “Yeah sure Nialler,” I say “let’s watch Wolf of Wall Street”   
“s’too long Louis”   
“oh right”.   
Harry chimes in with “The Notebook” to which he receives a collective eye roll.   
Eventually we decide on the new Avengers movie, which will run a bit longer than the rest of the flight, but we have all seen it, so not missing too much. 

When our management said it was going to be hot I did not anticipate this heat, yes I know it was mid-July and we were in Southern Spain, but honestly I can feel my skin frying. Jeans were not a good idea at all, I don’t know what they were thinking, thank god for the air conditioned vans taking us straight to the venue. Sound check runs through smoothly and before I know it we’ve got three hours of free time to kill. Liam leaves to take Sophia to the nearby spa, Lottie, Fizzy, and Niall decide to head to a mall, leaving me with Harry.   
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Louis inner monologue  
Harry Styles, how does one even come to describe someone like him? I mean if I’m honest Harry is like a lot of things, home, family, friendship, trust, sunlight, sadness, silly faces, unique Instagram photos, soul, and so much more. He’s just a constant, and he becomes a constant without you even knowing it. One day you’re meeting for the first time and the next he’s cooking naked in your kitchen and you don’t even bat an eyelash. He soaks his way into you, through small things you don’t notice at first, like how he folds the socks differently than how mum taught you, but you don’t complain all the same. Or how sometimes you come to find him rearranging the whole flat to get the right shot for a photo. But there is more to it than just the small things like that, Harry has a way of making you fall in love with him, no matter who you are. From his dimples and curls to his kind and warm hearted soul. It’s the look on his face and how he rushes and dive bombs onto the bed to show me a video of Lux’s first steps. It’s the way I wake up to a steaming cuppa and soup when I’ve caught a cold. Or the cool rag he puts on the back of your neck when you are bent over a toilet after a lads night out where you thought you had it, but it turns out you didn’t. Even in the moments where I find him up late feeling down, or crying over his sister’s graduation one day, and defending someone to the death the next. It’s just everything his charm, his looks, his everything, makes everyone fall head over heels, and I can’t say that I or any of the boys are excluded in this, in fact we are all quite enamored with him.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
July 24th 2016 – Pre Show Continued  
Being left with Harry as a wingman for three hours is no big deal at all, in fact it’s rather exciting, because I’m sure he’s already googled and found some elaborately local shop or café for us to try and honestly I could go for some authentic Spanish food. I round the corner and head to his dressing room. 

“Haz?, We’ve got about three hours to kill, wanna get a bite or something?”   
“Yeah I’ll be out in a minute, just changing, too bloody hot for these jeans” 

A few moments later he emerges in some cut off jean shorts, a thin white wife beater tank top and a snap back. Even when he isn’t trying he’s gorgeous, and yes I called him gorgeous I don’t find it beyond myself to admit that Harry is fit as all, Liam is as well and Zayn, though Niall I can’t quite picture in that way. 

“So where are we off too Harold, I’m sure you’ve found us something?” 

He smiles bashfully, he hates being teased about his eccentrics no matter how much I assure him that I, we, all love them. 

“Uh yeah, well, there’s a small fountain not too far, and it’s got like gardens and stuff, and then I’m sure there will be some shops around, maybe even a churro stand, you know I heard that Southern Spain had very different churros than central Spain. I want to maybe get Lux a little hat or something for the show tonight, it should help with the heat.” 

We are out and about on the streets at this point, myself following behind Harry, who somehow doesn’t need a map to get to where we are going even though I am positive we have never been here. File that away into the unique and awesome things about Harry storage locker in my brain. 

“Anywhere that has the possibilities of churros sounds amazing H” He smiles at me and we are silent the rest of the walk, aside from my occasional humming.

Harry likes to be silent when we do things like this, he will talk to me if I start a conversation of course, but I think he likes the silence so he can take in as much as possible. Nobody here has paid us much attention, probably because there are few people, and those who are out seem older, kids are probably still in school. Harry is suddenly dragging me over to an area near a not so safe looking alley.   
“Haz what’re you doing, we aren’t going down there are we?”   
“No course not Lou” He laughs, “Just need to get this view for my Instagram”

I shake my head and follow. Soon after he gets the shot, which, I have to admit is a rather good one, of this little bustling town square, maybe I should suggest he take up photography, he’d be quite good. We make it to the fountain in about an hour after a tramp through a random book shop in which Harry bought his favorite classic novel in Spanish, even though he can’t read in Spanish, apparently he’s going to learn. Another detour was for a group preforming in a street dance off, and a gift shop filled with stones and candles, in which Harry and I picked a new centerpiece for our mantel made out of crystal. The shade near the fountain was a relief, and it began to dawn on me as people rushed by and gave us odd looks that maybe there weren’t so many people out because it was so boiling hot. I gave Harry a nudge, 

“We’ve only an hour left til we need to head back, how about we find those churros”   
“Yeah let’s go I think I saw a place that looked good” 

He pulls me to his feet and we make out way across the small desert that has formed. I can’t believe I didn’t change into shorts, I could curse Harry for thinking of it before me, but I know I could have changed before we left, it was those damn churros that distracted me. Thankfully the woman who owned the small café we decide to dine in has a son who speaks some broken English, so we order, I get an order of churros and Harry a sandwich of some sort, I don’t think he really knows. We down our food once it’s out, I ordered a coke to go and we sipped it as we made our way back to the venue. 

Harry spoke up   
“You know I really almost regret this ruddy centerpiece, I mean it goes with the aesthetics of the house, but honestly it might be too.. rocky.”

At this point he should expect the utter look of how absolutely over his puns I am, but I reward him with a laugh “You’re probably right, I hear you crystal clear” 

He absolutely loses it, which I appoint to the heat, because honestly that just wasn’t my best work. We tumble into the venue laughing, I am drenched in sweat, yet Harry looks just as he did when we left, flawless, which seems impossible, but I have come to learn that nothing is impossible for Harry. 

“I’m gonna have a shower and change, protect our centerpiece!” “At all costs, she’s safe with me!” 

I laugh and head towards the showers. During my shower after falling into a fit of giggles over Harry and I’s adventure again, I remember to store away the little pieces of today and smile to myself as I think about how lucky I am, not only for the success but for my boys, these solid and strong forces that came into my life and swooped me up, they took hold. And now we all protect, love, and live for one another and our families, who have all become one, we are just one big big family and I would trade all the success and fame and money so long as I could keep them.


	3. A Defining Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis realizes that some stains don't come out in the wash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get's a bit intense here and there is blood and medical conditions and stuff incase you need the trigger warnings here they are

July 24th 2016 – 1 hour into concert 

As soon as things slowed down, they jumped to lightning speed almost instantly. There was a huge wave of movement through the crowd and I could hear security screaming in my ears for back up. I saw Niall drop his guitar and Liam his mic. Everyone who was a part of the crew was rushing in the direction that I couldn’t peel my eyes away from. But I was frozen, I couldn’t process what was going on, but at the same time I felt frozen I realized that my feet were carrying me across the stage. The scene was chaotic as soon as I hit the ground, Liam and Niall both tried to stop me and grab my arms but I wiggled away. I came face to face with a mass of people pushing and shoving trying to make their way towards the ring of security who were surrounding Harry. I want to run to him and see what’s happened, but I know that if someone doesn’t help the event staff hold back this crowd there would be an entirely different situation to worry about. 

“Oi! Niall, Liam! Come give us a hand yeah?”

Liam and Niall jog over from where they were speaking to a member of management, and begin to help myself and security hold up the barricades. Niall screams over the crowd 

“This is absolutely mad, one of us needs ta say something, and someone needs to check Haz!”  
I agree and Liam voices up  
“I’ll go up on stage and try to calm everyone down, Tommo you go check on Harry, and Niall you keep helping!” 

I watch Liam climb up onto the stage, followed by the woman who was meant to be our translator. 

“Attention everyone!! I know you are all a little frightened and only want to help, but we need our team to help Harry and they can’t do that while you all are pushing up the barricade, so if everyone could please step back and return to their seats it would really really help us out!” 

The woman begins to repeat his message in Spanish and I zone it out, Niall says “go on Lou, I got this” and I don’t need any more convincing. 

I enter the tight circle around Harry but am not prepared for what I see. 

There is blood, a lot of blood, more blood than there should be, and Harry is on the ground and looks very pale. I go over to be closer to his face and see that he is awake but struggling to keep his eyes open. 

“Haz? You okay? What’s wrong, can you tell me what hurts?”

I brush some of his loose curls back and the moment my hand touches his face I know something is wrong, I turn to Paul, 

“He’s burning up Paul, you think he’s ill? He seemed fine all day” 

Paul reaches over and begins to touch around Harry’s scorching face, “Shit” he mumbles. “Harry, mate, did you feel nauseous before you fell? Dizzy? Your head hurt? Anything?” He nods his head a little. “Louis did he have anything to drink today or eat?” 

“Yeah we got some food before the show, I didn’t see him eat breakfast this morning, we shared a Coke on the way back to the venue..” I trail off as someone removes the shirt that was previously behind Harry’s head and it is drenched with blood, I gulp and start to blink fast. 

“Louis, I know the blood is scary, but I have a feeling that is the least of our worries right now okay? Can you be here or do you need to go, because things are about to happen really fast?”   
“I can do this”   
“Okay take Harry’s hand like this, and remember how I taught you to feel a pulse?” I stare at him wide eyed but nod anyways. 

A pulse? It can’t be that bad, he’s just hit his head, I know head injuries bleed a lot, but it wasn’t too far a drop, he should be fine. 

“Okay then you are going to go up to where he can see you, and hold his hand like that, and make sure you remember to feel for a pulse every once in a while, Harry may go unconscious but we should try to keep him awake okay?, ready?” I nod my head again, take Harry’s hand and nudge myself closer to him. 

I hear Paul on the radio, “We need any ice or water you can find backstage asap, no we can’t move him, how far out is the ambulance, well send someone to clear a fucking path, he might not have 10 minutes!” 

After that I zone him out and focus on Harry, I avoid his head because his curls are soaked with blood and I already know what is happening there, so I try to focus on the rest of him to see what I could do to ease the pain. 

“Haz, I can tell your head must be hurting, you want me to block some of the light, and ask Li if he can maybe get the crowd to quiet down a bit?”   
He barely nods and doesn’t even open his eyes. I turn around to team member,   
“Can you fetch Liam”,   
he goes off towards the stage and I get a towel held up so that the sun isn’t so bright. 

“Better H?” Nothing, I start to panic and feel for his pulse, its there and I breathe.   
“Haz if you want me to get the crowd quiet I need you to open your eyes for me, I know it hurts but I have to know you’re okay”   
I see his eye lids flutter, and I know he must be trying, I scoot in really close   
“Come on you can do it love” I see a splash of green   
“That’s it, good lad, everything is going to be okay, I know you might be scared right now but you are okay, I love you Haz and the lads too, and our families, and your mum and gem love you”

I see a very tiny hint of a smile and breathe relief, Liam taps me on the shoulder,  
“What’s up mate? How’s he doing?”  
I don’t know how to answer the second question so I respond with   
“I need you to go up on stage and try and get everyone to be a bit quieter, Harry is awake but did hit his head, massive headache, so if they want to help, being quiet would really help”   
He places a hand on my shoulder, “You got it mate, take care of our boy yeah” I nod and return back to my spot. 

Harry’s eyes have closed again and the beat in his wrist has gotten harder to find, and I notice his chest isn’t rising as much as it was, and he is even paler than before. How much longer til that damn ambulance is here.   
Paul returns with a few more people, “Everyone step back except for you holding the towel, and you Louis, I still want a circle around him but he needs space.”   
Everyone does as he says and Paul comes over, Harry’s eyes keep fluttering,   
“Haz it’s Paul, this may sting a little but it’s for your own good”

He turns and nods to the others who begin to place ice packs all around Harry and pour cool water on him and cover him in ice.   
“Paul what’s that for?”   
“I think Harry’s dehydrated and probably has heat sickness”   
“Oh, shouldn’t he drink someth-“ 

Before I can even get the words out of my mouth Harry starts coughing, his whole body jerking, and Paul springs into action and turns him quickly on his side where he starts vomiting. Paul looks up at me 

“That’s why” 

Harry is still vomiting when the next string of events begin to unfold and if I thought what happened before was fast, this is worse. It happens so quickly that I still wonder if it is real. One second Harry is throwing up and the next he’s taken a fit, Paul’s voice booms at me 

“Louis, Louis! I need your help or you need to move, NOW!” 

I snap out of it and look to him for instruction  
“Grab another towel and put it down so that I can lay him back on his back, then help me turn him, we don’t want his head to be bouncing around on this concrete anymore”. 

I spring up searching for a towel but can’t find one, so I rip off my shirt and bunch it up.   
“That’ll do, help me turn him over now”

When it is done Paul checks his watch, “Its been 2 minutes, remember that okay?”   
“Yeah”   
He comes over to me and takes my face in his hands,   
“You are doing amazing, I know this is a lot and it is scary, but you being here is helping, and I’m sure it’s making things better for Harry, he might not wake back up from that, but If he does it will be good to have you there holding his hand, I’m going to go and meet the paramedics and bring them here, won’t be much longer. If that happens again while I am going just make sure you time it okay, or ask someone too” 

I nod and return to my spot holding Harry’s limp hand in my own while Paul leaves to find the medics, I pray they come soon. 

Fate just wasn’t on our side today as it had been six years ago on x factor. Paul had been gone no longer than three or four minutes, and while I had been whispering words of encouragement to Harry, they clearly weren’t enough. 

Harry again took a fit and it took all I had to watch to make sure his head didn’t come off the makeshift cushion of bloody towels and my t-shirt. Thank god someone was keeping track of how long it went on because he said to me “One minute and 25 seconds” 

If I thought things were moving lightning fast before, nothing prepared me for looking down to Harry and noticing that his lips were blue, or the tornado that ripped through me when I couldn’t feel a steady beat in his wrist or neck. I start to panic and my breathing becomes shallow, but I stop myself I know that I have to hold it together for Harry right now, he needs me. I begin to rack my brain for what to do or a reason as to why this would be happening. Nothing comes to me so I just attempt to give Harry rescue breaths and pray that Paul comes back soon. And thankfully he does, within less than a minute, as soon as I feel his hand on my shoulder I rush out everything. 

“Paul I am so sorry, I tried to keep him safe, but you left and and, it happened again, and I didn’t let his head his the ground, but now I can’t feel anything, and his lips are kinda blue and and I don’t know what else to do I I didn’t know what else to do, I’m sorry, is he going to die?! Paul just tell me he isn’t going to die please” 

I didn’t notice how hard I was crying until Paul enveloped me in a hug and I began to sob, he let it go on for a minute and then pushed me away and placed his hands on my shoulders 

“Louis it’s okay, this isn’t your fault and if you need one of the other lads ta step in then I will go and get them” “No NO” “Okay, okay, then Louis, you are going to have to breathe and hold it together just a bit longer, the paramedics are almost ready to go and you can go with them in the ambulance but you have to hold it together a bit longer. I have to go and tell the paramedics what has happened, and they will call you when they are ready to go, which should be any minute now so make anything you have to say to the lads and your sisters quick.”

I had forgotten that everyone else was there, forgotten that they were likely watching everything happen, I hadn’t even noticed that the person who jumped in to do CPR with me was Liam. I see him now sitting on the edge of the stage with Sophia cradling his face, Niall has each of my sisters wrapped around him and they all have tear tracks down their faces. I walk over slowly, everything still sounds a bit far away, the crowds have all been pushed back as far as they can so the noise isn’t so loud, and maybe that’s why everything sounds so far away. Because it should be loud here, deafening even, but it’s not and nothing is right. Lottie sucks in a breath when she catches sight of me, Liam doesn’t even look up and Niall cries harder. Fizzy bless her wraps me into a hug, 

“You did so well Louis, you’re so brave, Harry is going to be okay because of you” When she pulls away and walks back over to Lottie and Niall I notice the blood on the back of her shirt, and look to my hands which have been stained red. 

I want to scream and cry and scrub and scrub until it’s gone and this is just a memory that we talk about ten years from now.   
But as I hear a paramedic shout “CLEAR” and hear a sickening sound, followed by a “Let’s move! Now!, if you’re coming let’s go, we have to go!” 

I spin on my heels and dart to follow them.   
The pounding in my head syncs up with the pounding of my heart and my steps as   
I realize that this isn’t going to be something I can scrub away, it’s going to be a permanent stain, a defining moment.


	4. A constant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though this hasn't gotten as popular as my other fic, which I don't know why because this is written so much better I'm going to keep going :) thank you to those who like it and have commented!

Constant presence is something that is always taken for granted. It’s like that tree that’s always been in the park, you used to climb all over it, you carved your initials in it, you cried under it, and then one day the city decided to cut it down, and even though they replaced it with a lovely garden, the garden isn’t the tree. And now every time you jog by the park you don’t even want to go inside because the tree is gone. And something as simple as a tree shouldn’t have that much of an effect on you, but it does, because in your mind you never thought that tree would be gone, but now it is, and you can’t do anything to bring it back, and nothing can replace it. 

People are the same way, family especially, you grow up your whole life, or become introduced to someone, and they weave themselves into your basket that holds your world. And you never stop to think about what would happen if that strand of your basket were to suddenly unravel. Maybe you try to imagine it, create scenarios of what it would be like, attempt to convince yourself that you could live without them, that things wouldn’t change much if they were gone. Like that distant relative that you didn’t see or speak too much but you always knew was there until one day they weren’t. And even though you didn’t speak to them or see them much, knowing that they were there was a grounding thought, and without that thought you don’t really know what to make of it. 

And that is exactly how it is right now. I’m stood in the middle of this emergency room, buzzing with activity, I’ve watched my best friend die twice now, my hands are stained with his blood and all I want to do is find him and talk to him about how shit this day has been. Because he is a constant thing, he’s ground zero for when I feel like things won’t get better or be okay. But I like everyone else never really pictured and understood a time where I couldn’t turn to him. But as I stand here I realize that Harry was an essential strand to my basket, and with him just across from me rapidly unraveling I am losing ground and I don’t know what to do. 

I am pulled from my whirling head by an unfamiliar voice announcing “He’s having a panic attack, does anyone know who this is? Someone bring me a gurney! Deep breaths, deep slow breaths, can you hear me? Hello? I need you to calm down, you have to breathe, breathe slowly” I feel myself be lifted and laid down and pushed away, which sends me into a bigger panic because, Harry, I can’t leave him now. I rip off the mask on my face and try to push myself up. “HARRY! NO PLEASE, TAKE ME BACK, I HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR HIM, HE HAS TO KNOW I’M HERE PLEASE!” Strong arms hold me down and I try and try to wriggle free. “You friend is being taken to the ICU sir, you have to calm down and relax, you need to breathe” I don’t give in and keep fighting and fighting, I don’t even feel the prick of the needle, I just suddenly feel tired, so so tired. And then nothing.

July 24th – 5 minutes til show time  
Liam’s POV  
I round the corner towards the dressing rooms to give the lads the 5 minute warning. Niall bounds out of the room and heads towards Louis, so I go to knock on Harry’s door. “Haz!, 5 minutes til we’re on alright?” He doesn’t respond so I knock again  
“Harry?” I slowly open the door but Harry is nowhere to be found, I enter the room to see his phone still lying on the table and the tv on and low. Just as I turn to leave he stumbles back in looking peaky and slightly confused.  
“Haz? Mate tell me you aren’t drunk?”  
He looks up and screws his eyes shut and leans back against the door. I rush over, clearly he’s not.  
“What’s wrong mate? Need me to post pone the show a bit? We are on in 5 minutes, you look proper ill, d’ you eat something bad?”  
He nods and takes a deep breath, “must have yeah, feel a bit sick, but think I’ll be fine once I’m out there you know?”  
“You’re sure? The lads won’t mind if you need a minute”  
“No I’ll be alright Li, don’t worry, I’ll be out in just a sec yeah?”  
“Alright H”  
I give him a good squeeze and head out. So odd Harry is never one to look ill even when he is, he must have had some crazy food while he was out earlier.

July 24th 1 hour into the concert  
Harry’s POV

Something is not right, something is very wrong. I don’t want to let the boys or the fans down but I don’t think I can keep this up.  
It is so hot, I feel like I am going to vomit every time I move and everything is spinning, the music is making this bloody headache worse and worse and things are fuzzy around the edges.  
I know I need to sit down, I need to signal one of security because as much as I want to walk all the way back down the platform and across the stage to reach the back area I know I can’t.  
My verse is coming up but I don’t think I can manage it, I’ve already been standing still and not interacting with the crowd but I just can’t.  
Something is so wrong, and it’s not food poisoning.  
I make it through the lyrics I’m supposed to, I give it my all, but now my heart is beating and it’s kind of hard to breathe, and now things are black around the edges and I can barely hear myself over this headache.  
I need to go now, I lean down to grab Paul’s attention, but my equilibrium is off and suddenly I’m falling over this railing, and then I hear a crack and then it’s like lightning is shooting through my head, I can’t even feel the rest of my body because my head hurts so badly.  
The sun is right in my eyes and everything hurts, I know I need to get up but I can’t I just can’t. I hear lots of noise and then nothing. Next I hear Louis? I think it’s Louis, I’m going to pretend it is because I need him right now and if he were here he would fix this.  
I hear “Haz? You okay? What’s wrong, can you tell me what hurts?”  
but I can’t make out the words. Everything is swimmy and it’s too bright to open my eyes.  
“Haz if you want me to get the crowd quiet I need you to open your eyes for me, I know it hurts but I have to know you’re okay”  
I’m trying Lou, I really am, it hurts I’m sorry.  
“Come on you can do it love”  
Finally I catch a glimpse of his sea blue eyes and a tuff of golden brown hair  
“That’s it, good lad, everything is going to be okay, I know you might be scared right now but you are okay, I love you Haz and the lads too, and our families, and your mum and gem love you”  
I smile, or atleast I think I do, it’s getting harder and harder to stay awake, and the pain hasn’t let up and I feel so sick.  
I’m going to throw up, I can feel it. I hope they have moved me away from the crowd, I know I must look horrible.  
I can’t hold it down anymore, I start to throw up and I feel myself being moved, and then I feel a very odd wave rush over me, and then nothing.

July 24th – Post Concert  
Niall’s POV  
I’ve had the two girls under me arms the whole drive to the hospital trying to hold them and myself together, but s’not really working. Liam and Soph are in the back, and I can hear her whispering words of comfort to him. Even though we are all sobbing messes I don’t think reality has quite struck us yet. In times of disaster one often reacts emotionally, but then later on when it really settles in, you’re hit with another freight train. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I see Zayn’s number pop up on the screen. 

“hello?” my voice is soft and cracking   
“Mate, what happened to Louis?”  
“Louis?, Whatya mean? Harry’s the one that fell”  
“Harry fell? Is he hurt?”   
“Z what’s goin on?”  
“I got a call on me phone just now, I’m still listed on Tommo’s emergency contact form, they admitted him to the hospital”  
“Admitted to the hospital?”

Lottie and Fizzy are both panicking and sobbing now and Sophia unbuckles and slides up to the front to stroke their hair.

“Yeah they said he had a panic attack and I needed to come in, I’m on the way now, What’s happened to Haz?”  
I let out a huge sigh   
“Ta be honest mate I don’t know, we were on stage one minute and the next Harry’s fallen over the rail, and there was blood, cracked his head, but I think there was something more wrong, Paul said he was feeling sick before he fell, then he took a fit and Louis and Liam had to do CPR because Paul was with the medics, and I don’t know Z, I just don’t know, we are on the way to the hospital now. 

Zayn lets out a shaky breath, “Fucks sake, you lot are all going to lose your heads without me round, I’m on the plane now, I’ll see you in a bit” 

He hangs up, and I take a long slow breath, suddenly Lottie and Fizzy are clinging to me and sobbing 

“Louis?! What happened to Lou? Is he okay?! Niall?! Please tell me he’s okay!”   
Lottie is hiccupping and starting to panic, I hold her and Fizzy tight

“Girls he’s okay, just had a panic attack, it happens when you get overwhelmed like that, he’s going ta be just fine, but you have to calm down to ya know?, we are all going to be alright” 

They start to relax and the rest of the car ride is silent. When we arrive there are already people surrounding the building so we go in through the emergency entrance. I stop the first nurse I can find and pray she speaks English.

“I need to know where Harry Styles is?”   
“And Louis Tomlinson” Lottie pipes up from behind

“You must be the other band members and family then?”   
“Yes mamm, family”   
“Will there be more of you arriving?”  
“Yes, one more brother, and I’m sure once we get in touch, atleast two mothers” 

“Alright, well Mister Styles has been taken into the ICU, and Mister Tomlinson is in our general wing. Mister Styles can’t have visitors at this time until his team has him stabilized, as for Mister Tomlinson you are all welcome to follow me to his room, he may not be awake yet because we had to administer an light anesthetic to help him relax, but he should be waking up soon and I imagine with everything that has happened he will need some comfort.” 

We nod and follow her down a hall, we arrive in front of the door and proceed to shuffle in, Louis is there, and just looks like he is sleeping. We all tumble into the various tables and chairs and sigh out long held and bated breaths. It is silent, all of us bound to be in our own worlds trying to wrap our heads around everything. 

It’s been about 3 hours and Zayn comes in looking flustered   
“Ruddy pricks out front, I know we are One Direction but fucking honestly, two of my brothers are in the hospital and I can’t even get in the front doors!” 

He ambles over and I stand and wrap him in a hug, he goes and hugs Liam, squeezes Sophia’s shoulder and gives the girls a kiss on the head. He walks over to Louis 

“Tommo, wake up mate, I need you to wake up soon, everything is going to be okay, we are all here when you’re ready” 

He walks away to sit down with Fizzy and Lottie comes and snuggles up under me.   
I must have dozed off because the next thing I know Lottie and I are both jumping up to the sound of Louis shrieking.


	5. Our Boy

July 24th, Hospital Universitario Virgen del Rocio, Seville, Spain  
Louis POV

Everything is really dark, I feel like I’ve been asleep for ages. I hear some low voices and then a monitor beeping.  
A monitor, a hospital, FUCK, Harry, shit fuck why are my arms so heavy. Is he even alive, fuck fuck I’m so tired, No NO I am going to fight this.   
Finally a small sound comes out my mouth and then I open my eyes and everything hits me and I sit up   
“Harry?! Fuck is Harry okay, No No No don’t take him away please!”   
There are hot tears on my face and I realize that I am in a bed and I try and scramble out of it but two sets of strong arms come to rest on my shoulders  
“It’s okay Louis, Lou snap out of it, Lou, LOUIS” *Smack*   
My cheek stings and I try to breathe, I blink some more and open up my eyes fully. I see Zayn, Liam and Niall surrounding me   
“Harry?” I squeak out,   
their grim faces either mean that they don’t know or that I don’t want to know. I become a puddle of wet soggy tears, Niall and Zayn climb into the bed and hold me and Liam goes back and sits by Sophia and sobs right along with me.   
I hadn’t fallen asleep but after soothing words of “I’m sure he’s okay, we know he’s alive, they will let us know soon, Harry is strong, he will make it” I calmed down.   
The door to my room swings open and my mother and Anne rush in, Zayn and Niall quickly vacate the bed and they scoop me up.  
We all burst into tears and cry it out, eventually we pull ourselves together.   
Anne says “I’m so glad you’re okay Louis, and you were so brave and you took such good care of my baby, thank you so much I love you” “Love you too” 

She gets up and heads towards the others, she crouches down and puts a hand on Liam’s knee “You too Liam, you were so very brave, you probably saved Harry’s life, thank you so so much”   
But instead of an I love you Liam bolts from his chair and out the door loudly sobbing, we are all a bit shocked. Sophia says “I’ll go after him, he’s taking this really hard” and leaves in search of Liam. 

My mum soon gets off the bed to take Lottie and Fizzy into her arms and Anne returns to the bed to sit with me. I take her hand in mine and we all wait patiently for some sort of news.   
It finally comes some hours later, everyone is either asleep or silent when there is a knock, everyone sits up and a man enters the room. 

“I was told I could find Anne Twist here?”   
“Yes that’s me”   
“I have an update on your son if you want to step outside”   
“No that’s quite alright, we are all family”   
The doctor looks around the room, sighs and shuts the door. 

“Well, I’m afraid that I don’t have much good news”   
Anne squeezes my hand tighter and I feel a tear roll down my cheek. 

“Your son, Harry, suffered not only a traumatic injury, but we have determined that he was having the onset stages of a heat stroke when his fall occurred.” 

Liam who had since returned began to sob as Sophia held him and tried to quiet him down. 

“I don’t know if you are aware of the circumstances of his admittance, but when he arrived here, he had an internal temperature of 105 degrees F, which can be deadly, he had suffered 2 seizures, and had to be shocked twice. After he arrived, we rushed him to ICU, we successfully lowered his body temperature, however it is still high, He has a major concussion, there was some swelling in his brain that we alleviated, and currently he is still in the ICU in a coma.   
I have to warn you that it is unfortunately highly unlikely that he will wake up, most victims of heat stroke can survive if they arrive on time, but his condition on top of his head injury make it virtually impossible to tell if he will make it through. If he is able to recover and wake up, there will without a doubt be some form of brain damage, the likes of which we will not be able to determine until he wakes up.   
He is in a highly fragile state right now, and we have set it up so that everyone can see him, I would like to remind everyone that there is a chance he will pull through this, but currently he is on life support machines, and the chances of him surviving this incident, with his current vitals, is less than 40 percent. I am extremely sorry, and if you have any questions I will be right outside the door, I am going to let this settle for a moment, if you need anything let me know or hit the call light on the patient’s bed.” 

He finished his speech with a grim look and swiftly exited the door, which I wanted to call out to him and say wait don’t go, I can’t breathe, but my breath had hitched in my throat long before he left, and honestly with that kind of news what was the point in breathing anymore anyways? 

 

I was vaguely aware of my mother rushing over and scooping Anne into her arms, I could vaguely hear the sobbing of Liam to my left and through blurry eyes I could barely make out Zayn holding onto Fizzy for dear life and Niall and Lottie crying into each other’s shoulders. 

And then there is me, and I’m not really sure what I am, or where I am, or what I’m doing.   
I’m not sobbing like everyone else, I know there are hot tears running down my face, and I know I’m not breathing,   
I can’t be breathing can I? Not after that.   
I feel like I’m floating, like this is some kind of sick fucked up prank the world is playing on me.   
Like one of Harry’s stupid jokes, if he were here right now he would probably say something stupid like ‘guess this situation is getting a bit rocky’.   
FUCK that centerpiece,   
fuck ever leaving that air conditioned venue, fuck management for making us wear pants and run around in this heat,   
fuck me for not noticing something was wrong sooner.   
I can feel more and more anger building inside of me, but my attention is drawn to my right where Anne is sitting on the edge of the bed sobbing. 

Liam is now in front of her on his knees sobbing   
“I-I-I am-m s-s-so sor-r-r-y Anne, p-p-pleas-s-e don’t be m-m-ad at me I would ha-a-ve-e sa-aid something if I k-knew”   
It hits me before it hits her, or anyone.   
“What do you mean you would have said something?” 

My voice is shaking and I am angry, angry at myself, angry at the world, and now about to be angry at Liam.   
Liam looks up at me, his face is a total mess,   
“I- H-Harry, he was s-s-ick right bef-f-ore the s-show and I- I didn’t say anything, h-he said he was fine, j-just bad f-f-ood, I-I swear I didn’t know.”

He starts sobbing again but I find that I don’t care. I have no pity only rage, I scramble out of bed and Liam stands up to hug me. I shove him hard against the wall, “Louis” I hear my mum and Anne both say, Zayn bless him holds them off, “let them work it out”. 

“Louis Louis I’m sorry I didn’t know”   
“FUCK YOU LIAM, YOU KNEW, YOU FUCKING KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG, YOU DIDN’T EVEN MENTION IT, DIDN’T EVEN WARN US TO LOOK OUT FOR HIM!!! WE MIGHT HAVE NOTICED BEFORE HE FELL, HE COULD BE OKAY LIAM, HE COULD BE HERE MAKING STUPID FUCKING JOKES ABOUT THAT UGLY ASS FUCKING CENTERPIECE I LET HIM BUY FOR THE APARTMENT BECAUSE HE LIKED IT, HE COULD BE HERE LAUGHING AND JOKING ABOUT HOW HE IS GOING TO GO ON AN ALL WATER DIET AND NEVER BE DEHYDRATED AGAIN, BUT HE’S NOT IS HE?!” 

I start to punch and slap at Liam as hard and as fast as I can, and he doesn’t put up a fight, just keeps crying. 

“YOU KNOW IT’S YOUR FAULT, YOU HAVE KNOWN THIS WHOLE TIME! THAT’S WHY YOU RAN OUT CRYING EARLIER, WERE YOU JUST NEVER GOING TO SAY ANYTHING, DIDN’T THINK IT WAS WORTH THE MENTION UNTIL HARRY WAS BASICALLY LAYING ON A SLAB WAITING TO DIE?! FUCK YOU LIAM I FUCKING HATE YOU!! AND IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT STEPPING FOOT IN THAT ROOM TO SEE HIM YOU BETTER THINK AGAIN!” 

Logically I know it’s not Liam’s actual fault, and I know that I am taking out my anger on him, but if it had been me, or if he had just told me, I would have been checking on Harry left and right through the whole show. I feel Zayn and Niall start to drag me off Liam, as soon as I am away Sophia and the girls are all by his side. Zayn and Niall drag me back to the other side of the room, I am still fuming and crying and it is all too much. 

“I COULD HAVE SAVED HIM, I WOULD HAVE NOTICED, I COULD HAVE SAVED H-H-I-M-M” I break out of their grip and dash for the toilet and begin to vomit through my tears. 

It’s not the kind of sad crying that happens when you see a film that gets to you.   
No this kind of crying is reserved, its reserved for only the most devastating of times.  
It’s the crying you do when your throat is aching and there is a lump that won’t go away no matter how many tears you let out.   
You feel like you can’t breathe, you are crying so hard that you aren’t even making any sound.   
Your teeth and jaw are aching, your breath keeps hitching, and you have to remind yourself to breathe even though stopping seems like a better option.   
And you want to scream, god yeah you want to fucking scream and scream but when you try nothing comes out so you bite down on your arm and your try to stop but you just can’t.   
You can’t stop because as soon as the lump starts to die down you remember why you were crying in the first place and it comes back even bigger threatening to make your throat explode.   
And then on top of that you are throwing up, even though you stopped throwing up actual food three heaves ago and now it’s just bile, and I’m pretty sure a few bits of my soul. 

The bathroom door opens and closes and Anne kneels down beside me and places a warm hand on my back. I lift myself up and climb into her lap.   
She wraps me up and whispers soft and sweet things in my ear, about us, about me, about Harry.   
She soothes me down to a point where I can look up at her, she brushes the fringe from my face and reaches up to get tissue.   
She helps me get my face cleaned up.   
“Louis, I know this is hard, I understand, it feels like a piece of you is being ripped away, and you don’t know where to turn too because the one person you want to turn to isn’t here right?”  
I nod and feel tears prick my eyes   
“Well, it would be the same for Harry if it were reversed love, and we can’t give up hope yet can we? There is still a chance, albeit a small one, there is a chance. And you lot are no strangers to slim chances are you?”   
I nod again unable to form words.   
“That’s right, and I know my baby, and I know how much he loves all of us, and how much he’s missing us right now, and I don’t think he will give up so easily”   
“Yeah, okay”   
There is a beat of silence  
“You need to say sorry to Liam dear”   
“NO!, I’m sorry, but no, just no, I can’t, Anne, I would have noticed, I would have if Liam had just mentioned it I would have noticed”   
“I know sweetheart, and I’m sure if Liam thought it was anything he would have mentioned it, or he would have been paying attention”   
“Not like me, I- would have- should- have noticed-d, the other lads they love Harry they do, but it's not the same I'm with him everyday, working and not working, I live with him, I- I would h-h-ave no-o-tice-d-d”   
“Louis, love, nothing could have predicted this, nothing”   
I nod and squeeze Anne tighter she sighs and puts her hands on my shoulders and picks my chin up  
“Let’s go and see our boy yeah love?”   
“Yeah”


	6. So this is what it's like to drown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooo sorry it took me so long to update, but life! Calculus classes and working two jobs, it's just alot, i'll probably post more today because I am dedicating my whole day to writing, thanks for the amazing comments and kudos and all of that stuff, feel free to follow me on tumblr (sitandstareatthestars.tumblr.com) or on SnapChat @jaustin95 
> 
> lots of love xx  
> also   
> Harry fucking up seaworld fucks me up

Louis POV

We walk out of the bathroom and the room is silent, I clear my throat and mumble to Liam, “I’m sorry I hit you, I don’t hate you, I’m just… I can’t, I just need some space yeah?” 

He nods his head, everyone else is watching me with waiting eyes and I don’t know what to say or do, what could I say or do right now that would make any sense, nothing makes any sense. I squeeze Anne’s hand and she speaks up for me. 

“Louis and I are going to go out and speak with the doctor and go and see Harry, everyone who wants to come is obviously welcome to tag along, even you Liam, don’t be hard on yourself this isn’t your fault, and Harry is a fighter, but he needs all of us in his corner right now.” 

Everyone silently agrees and we make our way out. The doctor greets us sadly and the sinking pit in my stomach grows and grows, aren’t doctors supposed to lack emotion, the more he looks at us with regretful eyes the more sure I grow that Harry likely isn’t going to pull through. Isn’t there some hope, just a little? I decide to voice this because I don’t think anything anyone could say to me right now could make the gnawing in my gut stifle its self, but it’s worth a shot, what is the world without a little hope after all. We have arrived at the door and the doctor is speaking with Anne about something that is probably important, everyone else is back in the waiting room, I interrupt

“Isn’t there any hope though? Just some?” 

They both turn to me. 

“Well as I was just explaining to Mrs. Twist, Harry has sustained a massive blow to his whole system, there have been many ups and downs, which is why we would rather wait to see if he pulls through the night before we make any sort of guess to his outcome.” 

“What sort of ups and downs?” 

“Well since he has arrived we have managed to get him the most stable we can, his internal temperature has return to normal at this point, however as with all heat stroke victims there are always the repercussions due to damage sustained while the internal temperature was too high. Right now, as I said his temperature is normal, however his body is not sustaining its self on its own, he like most victims of heat stroke whom were previously dehydrated, has suffered major damage to his renal system, so his kidney’s aren’t functioning properly, that combined with the non-medicated induced unconscious state he is in, and the swelling that was present when he arrived would all be considered downs, however a few ups would be the decrease in temperature, he hasn’t fallen into any sort of cardiac arrhythmic state, so there likely isn’t any cardiovascular muscle damage, which is very good, and there is still brain activity present, and I don’t have to explain why that is an up, however again to go along side with that, even though there is activity we have no way of knowing the extent of his damages until or if he wakes up, so as I said everything is very up and down, pros and cons, this is basically a waiting game, I wish I could offer you more, all that I know for sure is that it is a huge success that we have been able to get him to this point and that he is fighting, so make sure he knows you are around, many critically ill patients benefit significantly from visits, touches, and especially words, even if it seems like you’re not getting through, you probably are. With all that said are you ready?” 

I feel like I am drowning, everything he just said is bouncing around in my head and I can’t decide if anything he mentioned should actually give me any hopes or not, I hear Anne say yes, and feel her take my hand, I squeeze her hand and shut my eyes for a moment and refuse to move. 

“Louis, love, it’s going to be okay, hey look at me, it’s okay to be overwhelmed, I am too, but we have to be strong okay, Harry is in there and he needs us.” 

She hugs me tight and we both take deep breaths and enter the room. 

 

I usually never feel uneasy in hospitals, my mum was a nurse, I’ve been in the hospital back home for various things me whole life, but this, this feeling, is so opposite. I feel like a character in a horror film, like something is about get me, attack me, kill me, something is right behind me, and on one hand I’m terrified, but on the other I want to welcome it, because swimming in a sea of black nothingness seems like a better option than staying and looking at what I’m seeing right now.   
It’s still Harry, maybe I did a few double takes and shut my eyes to will away the idea that was I was looking at was Harry, but Anne’s sharp intake of breath and sob that she let out upon seeing him snapped me back to reality. 

 

The mop of chocolate curls is there, though a big white bandage is trapping them down, his face is more translucent than normal, and I shudder when I remember that’s likely due to loss of blood rather than shelter from the sun. There are about a million wires and tubes and things all around, I notice he’s got an IV in each hand, and a lot of bags hanging from the pole, one of which looks like blood. But the sight of him isn’t the most cringe worthy thing about this, it’s the sound of the room. Its pen drop quiet except for the steady hum of all the machines, and the rhythmic beating of the heart monitor, and the whooshing of the machine helping him breathe. It wouldn’t be so bad except that it serves as a constant reminder of what my life is lacking right now, which is a talking walking alive and well Harry Styles. Even when Harry is silent, at home, out walking, sleeping, he’s moving, tapping his feet, moving his hands, humming, whistling, clearing his throat every few seconds, something, he’s always doing something. And even though I am hardly ever silent, can’t even think of the last time I was if I’m honest, I am suddenly hit with the realization of why he’s always doing something. Being as silent and as still as he is right now, as I am being right now, is bone crushing. Being weighted down and left alone in your head to filter and fight through every single thought going through your mind, it’s so much, it’s too much. And right now I am missing him, the silent sound of him, he’s here in this room but there is no humming, no movement, no nothing, its ripping my heart out and stomping on it repeatedly, and it only gets worse when I realize how much I rely on the comforting sounds of him clearing his throat or tapping his hands, or shuffling around downstairs in the mornings. File that under constant things that I never imagined living without, but now that it’s gone, it’s ripping the fragile seems of my insides and I don’t know how much more loss I can take before I burst. Anne is by his side while I am still glued to my place by the door, she is rubbing his face and kisses his cheek, and that’s when it happens, that’s when I burst, that’s when it all becomes too much. 

 

I sink down to my knees and start to sob, I know it must be bad because Anne is in front of me trying to wipe the tears away but she can’t do it fast enough, I’m not even making any sound, I am just trying to stay above the waves and waves of shit that are crashing down on me, but every breath I take smells like this hospital room and Anne’s perfume and hits me over and over again with the realization that I am not imagining this, it’s all real and it’s all happening

“Louis, Louis it’s okay love, it’s okay, talk to me, okay hey, hey look at me, you have to breathe, you have to talk to me, I don’t want you to have to leave, I don’t want you to have another panic attack, Harry needs you right now, please tell me what’s wrong, I know it’s a lot baby, but something is wrong” 

She’s got me in her lap wrapped up in her arms on the floor of this hospital room, and my ears are ringing so loud and I am breathing in the scent of her, and it gets me grounded enough to let it out.

“I-I-his e-y-ye-s-s, I- what if- what i-f-f we n-nev-e-r-r get to s-s-ee Ha-r-r-y-s-s eye-s-s open again, I- I can’t, he has such lovely-y- eye-s-s, I- just- I don’t- und-d-ers-st-tand why, why him? Why? An-d-d hi-s-s smile, everyone love-s-s Harry’s d-dimples, t-they are so n-i-ice, I mi-s-s them already-y-“ 

“Oh Louis, love” She’s sniffling and I can feel her hot tears on my skin from above me

“It’s going to be alright, I- I miss them already too, Harry is my baby, I am so so scared because I love him so much, but we have to try to stay positive for him, for now, if-if things do go badly, if he- he doesn’t make it out of this, I don’t think any of us will be alright, you aren’t alone, I am here and the boys and all of our families, nobody comes together like the One Direction family, you know that. Remember when your mum was about to have the twins, and we all showed up to wait and they had to give us our own room and even then we didn’t all fit and had to take shifts sleeping?, It’s going to be like that 24/7 here until Harry wakes up…. And – and if he doesn’t, well… then, he knows Louis, he knows that he’s loved.” 

“but- I – we didn’t- I didn’t say goodbye I- I just I didn’t get to tell him-”

“Louis stop, you didn’t say goodbye because it’s not time to say goodbye, Harry is still here, he’s still fighting okay? So stop, don’t beat yourself up for something that hasn’t happened yet love, it’s like the doctor said, this is a waiting game, and if for some reason it is his time, then just remember, right now he can hear you, he can feel you, so you’ve got a chance to make this okay for him, you’ve got a chance to be here for him, we all do, and we are all going to make this as easy as we can for him, and we are going to make sure he knows he’s loved yeah?”

I nod   
“Now go on over there love, you won’t hurt him, and he’s waiting on you, I know it”

I snuggle into her and take a deep breath, I give her a big squeeze “Love you”

“I love you too Louis”

I get up and make my way to the bed, I pull up a chair, and stick out my hand, it’s shaking so badly, I lightly brush against the top of his hand, it’s cold, which generally I wouldn’t be a fan of, but considering how scorching his skin was before I take it as a blessing. I trace my fingers up his arm and have a good look at his face. He’s still there, I know he is, they told me he’s still here, but it doesn’t feel like it, his face is so blank and empty, even when he sleeps his face is still portraying some emotion, but not now, now he is just still, and nothing and it makes me feel sick, I let out a long breath and rest my forehead on the bed. 

“Do you want me to give you a minute Louis? I can go and talk to the others, and when you’re ready you can come back to us, and the boys can come back and see him”

I look up to her, and my face must say enough for me, she nods, “Okay love, be strong, I love you, see you in a bit”

 

Louis POV

It’s quiet again, I am trying to find something to say, to string together from this massive chaotic car crash that has occurred in my head but it’s just coming in fragments. I take his hand in mine and start rubbing his knuckles with my thumb, I pull out my phone and pull up the app, I press the red button. 

“Haz, I, I really don’t know what to say, this is all so, so surreal, it’s so quiet in here, I miss your voice, but you are doing so well, so don’t give up, I, I know it must be really hard, and you’re probably hurting all over, but it will get better, it’s just like when you get ill after flying a lot on tour, you feel rubbish for a while but then you get better, I won’t lie to you though, this is going to last a long while, you are going to feel like absolute shit, probably more than you do now because when you wake up you will actually feel it, but I’m here, and I’m not, I’m not saying that I am a reason for you to wake up, but I’d like to think that I am, and if I’m not, then that’s okay, but you’ve got all of us, and your family, and all of our families, we all love you so much, so please just keep trying, I promise I will make you, well I will attempt to make you breakfast in bed for as long as you want if you’ll just come back to us, to me, please, just try, keep trying to come back, because I already miss you so much and I don’t think I’ll be able to handle your absence from my life. It’s only been hours since all of this happened and I can already feel a gaping bleeding hole in my chest, and your mum bless her, is being so strong for me, but I promise I’m going to be strong for her right back. I, I don’t want to say goodbye to you right now, because I want you to wake up, but I am also so terrified that if I don’t say everything now that something will happen, and I need you to know how I’m feeling, I, I need you to know.” I take a long breath

“I, Harry, you are just, so, you are everything, I, I want to say that I didn’t realize it before all of this, but I think I did, I just never expected anything like this to happen, but then again, people never do, and we, I, am clearly no exception. I don’t really have to take you down a whole trip through memory lane to tell you that our bond was instant, I know you’ve felt the same even though we have never had this talk, but I guess it really is now or never so here it goes. I- I love you Harry, so so so much. And it didn’t take you almost dying for me to realize it either. I think I’ve always known, and I think you have too. I don’t know why we are so bloody stupid, and I don’t know why we haven’t ever spoken of this, but there it is, I love you Haz.” I give his hand a squeeze “ and I don’t know what it fucking means, because, I- I never was one to look at lads, I didn’t think, I don’t even know if I am gay, I don’t know what I am but I do know a few things. I know that my favorite thing about mornings is you coming into my room with tea and watching shit telly with me. And I know my favorite thing about going into the bathroom is that all of your things are in mine even though you have your own. In the afternoons when you go into the music room and write and sing, when I catch you in a window sill reading a book and writing notes in it and highlighting like a maniac. When it’s a late night and we stay in and get pizza, when we go out to clubs and you always come by every so often to make sure I’m okay even if we’ve both found someone for the night. Before shows when you take me to crazy places that nobody would have known existed, and when we stop for you to take your hipster pictures, and when- I just, the point is, you Harry, all of my favorite things about life boil down to you. How am I going to live on my own without you Harry, how? I- I can’t do it, I know if you could talk you would tell me to hold on no matter what happens to you but I don’t think I can Haz. It would be like trying to climb a mountain that’s crumbling above me and below me at the same time. I just can’t do it, I can’t picture a life without you, and I never have, I never prepared myself for this, how fucking could I, I wish I had, but I don’t even think it would have made a difference. I just- I don’t know what to do now, we are just waiting for you, so please Harry, please, I don’t care if everything I just said was in vain and you only love me as a friend, I don’t care if you wake up and fall in love with your nurse and marry her and live happily ever after with kids and cats and dogs, I don’t care, I will be okay, I’ll find someone else, I’ll move on, I won’t make it weird, I- I just need you to be here, in some form, because living with you like this is already dragging me underwater, and if I lose you completely then I will drown. I have to go now, everyone else wants to see you because we all love you so much, please just, if you can hear me, keep fighting and come back to us, I love you so much.” 

 

I stand up and kiss his forehead and run my fingers over his cheeks where his dimples would be, I sigh, shut off my phone and make my way out the door to the waiting room.


	7. You can't drink away the pain, but damn it if I don't try

1 week later  
Louis POV

We had Harry transferred to a hospital in London so we could all go home, even though that’s the last place I wanted to go. I tried not to be nervous the whole ride home from the airport, the lads offered to stay and keep me company, but I told them no. at this point, I’ve sort of given up.

I know it has only been a week, but there haven’t been any good changes. Harry still hasn’t woken up, his kidney’s still won’t work right, he still can’t breathe, and honestly neither can I. I don’t remember the last time I got out of this bed I know I must have but, I keep going in and out of sleep thanks to the bottles of alcohol provided from our bar. And my mind is just playing the last time I saw him happy on repeat. 

The stupid centerpiece he bought in Spain is on the night stand and I’m pretty sure I’ve traced over every inch of it that I can and have all the bumps and dips memorized. 

When I got home, at first it wasn’t that strange, it was almost comforting, almost normal. I kicked off my shoes and dropped the bags, threw the keys into the bowl and just took a breath. It was almost like de ja vu, like I had done this a million times, because I guess I had really. There were plenty of times we got off tour and Harry opted to go out right away with Grimmy or James or whoever and I would just come home and sleep. So that’s what I did, I went up and got in bed and slept for 12 whole hours. And things were okay, they really were, until I woke up at 4 in the morning, half asleep, stumbling down the hall to Harry’s room, I pushed open the door and crawled all the way into bed before I noticed a lack of person beside me. 

I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life, I cried so much that I eventually fell asleep, and when I woke up to a still empty bed, it took everything I had to extract myself and walk to my own room before the crying started again. And everything really was okay, until I tried to walk around the house, until I noticed all of the little shit that I took for granted. 

I went to shower and the bathroom didn’t smell like cinnamon because Harry hasn’t been there to light the candles. 

When I went to the kitchen there was no tea made, there was no food in the fridge ready for Harry to craft into something delicious, 

there wasn’t the sound of slow jazz around 8pm because Harry wasn’t there to wind down from the day. 

There wasn’t any singing from the music room, his guitar has sat so long untouched that it’s a bit out of tune. 

There are no random articles of clothing strewn about because Harry hasn’t been here to change outfits four times before he goes out to the market.

Which brings us to now, today, it’s been seven days since I’ve been home and I am just here, I am just here. There are 12 bottles of various alcohol surrounding me, and I’m at a point where I’ve disconnected with my body because I’m sure that it’s protesting everything within it. I see him, every time I wake up for a moment or two I catch glimpses, I hear the shower running and singing, I see a wisp of curls, I hear noises in the kitchen, but I know it’s not real, and I know what is real. And what’s real is that he is gone, and I never got to kiss him aside from drunk dares, and I never got to take him to dinner or to a movie, I never got to show him how much I appreciated and loved him, and now he’s never going to come back, and I am ruined. 

I slip into a nightmare, replaying that day over and over like a sick joke that my brain never gets tired of telling. I head the thunk of the microphone drop and start to panic. It’s not until I feel hands on me and my body shaking and the sound of “LOUIS!! WAKE UP!!” that I do. 

I come face to face with a scared and sad looking Liam, whom I don’t want to be bothered with. 

“Liam what are you doing here?”

“Louis, mate it’s been a week, you haven’t come to visit, you haven’t answered calls or texts, we wanted to give you space but I had to know you were still alive, you haven’t even answered Anne or your mum”

“Lost the phone”

He takes a moment and looks around the room

“Louis, have you just been drinking this whole time?! Are you okay? Please tell me those bottles span more than just today”

“Doesn’t matter much does it”

“Louis stop this, you need to pull it together, this is hard for everyone but Harry does need you, I- I swear, I think, I’m pretty sure he knows you’re gone”

“He doesn’t know anything Liam he hasn’t moved or spoken or taken a breath on his own in a fucking week”

“I know Louis! Okay! I KNOW! I’ve been there every single day since the last time you were there, and every single day, it’s like, it’s like he knows you’ve given up and now he is to, you have that weird telepathic bond shit or whatever”

“ITS NOT TELEPATHIC BOND SHIT LIAM, ITS, FUCK, I FUCKING LOVE HIM LIAM”

“We all do Louis, but its-“

“NO LIAM I LOVE HIM, I-I FUCKIN-G-G L-LOVE HIM SO MUCH-H, and n-now he’s fucking gone and I can’t Liam I can’t deal with this fucking ache in my soul, it won’t go away! I just want it to stop! I want him to come back I can’t do this I can’t!” 

He looks completely stunned but I’m too worked up and sobbing and screaming so hard that I just don’t stop. I start of quietly because I am just so tired,

“ You wanna know what I’ve been doing Li? On the 4th day home all I did was lie in Harry’s bed in his jumper and stare at his empty space and squeeze my eyes shut and imagine him being there, while trying to ignore the heavy crushing weight on my chest that should have been from his sleeping head instead of a lack of him all together."

"On the 5th day I was drunk, walking through this huge empty house and stumbled into the music room. I found one of his journals, and an open novel with highlighted sentences and annotations that corresponded to new lyrics he’d written and I sank to my knees and I smashed the bottle on the wall and ran out and down to the basement and started to chug another one down.   
I woke up on the sixth day on the floor of the basement with a picture of us from xfactor crumpled in my fists that were split open and bloody, and I drank more and more until I couldn’t feel the pounding of my head or the ache in my bones and came to when I was heaving over the toilet seat unable to keep anything down” 

I see his silent tears, and I feel my own but I keep going, my voice getting louder and louder

“because the realization that I’D BE ALONE THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE IF HARRY DOESN’T PULL THROUGH HIT ME LIKE A FUCKING TRAIN! AND AFTER THAT I STARED AT A BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS AND WONDERED IF IT WOULD JUST BE EASIER BECAUSE I HATE THROWING UP AND BEING SICK TO MY STOMACH BECAUSE HARRY ISN’T HERE TO RUB MY BACK OR MAKE ME SOUP OR GINGER TEA!! AND THEN I FUCKING SHATTERED THE MIRROR IN THE BATHROOM BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK AM I TO CONSIDER KILLING MYSELF WHEN HARRY IS FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE, AND THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN ABLE TO BRING MYSELF TO VISIT HIM SINCE WE GOT BACK TO LONDON! AND HE’S PROBABLY FEELING SCARED AND ALONE AND PROBABLY THINKS I’VE ABANDONDED HIM! SO YES LIAM I KNOW THAT HE PROBABLY THINKS THAT I’VE GIVEN UP AND IF I’M HONEST I HAVE TO! I HAVE TO BECAUSE IF I KEEP MY HOPES UP AND PRETEND LIKE THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE HE WILL COME BACK AND HE DOESN’T I WILL END UP DEAD, AND DESPITE EVERYTHING I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT TO YOU OR THE BOYS OR MY FAMILY!!”

I’ve paced the room about 30 times since I began and now I sit on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands, I am shaking, from rage, and fear, and sadness, and emptiness and loneliness. 

“I’m being a piece of shit, Li, I’m drinking to avoid the agony that’s ripping me up on the inside, instead of being strong and being there for him. And I can’t fucking stand to look at myself anymore, and I don’t want to bring all of this shit around the hospital and everyone else because I know that I’m not the only one who is sad and hurt and upset about this, for Christs sake Anne is losing her son and Gemma her brother and I am just his friend who he may or may not have mutual feelings for and I- I just can’t Liam I can’t”


	8. Things Change

University College Hospital  
Louis Pov

 

The smells of hospitals never made my stomach clench before, the sight of white coats and the steady hum of commotion never made me want to jump out of the nearest window and shut my eyes and never open them again either, but things change. Liam somehow got me out of bed and into a shower and sobered up enough that I could make it up and out to get to Harry. I push the 5th floor elevator button and let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding when it pings to notify me I have arrived. Liam is somewhere behind me but I don’t need him to guide me, I’ve only been here once but it’s a path I’ll never forget. I decide to go to the waiting room first, I know I have some explaining to do. When I walk in I see everyone except Anne and Gemma of course who I suppose are in with Haz. 

Everyone looks up to me expectantly, and Niall and Zayn join me and Liam and I am wrapped in the arms of my brothers and they are being so so strong for me and for Harry and it’s overwhelming me, I never should have thought being here would hurt them. They pull away and my mother pulls me in, I want to absolutely lose it, I want to scream and cry all over again and share my pain with them so that they understand why I’ve been gone because I don’t think words could give it any sort of justice. 

But I don’t because everyone’s arms are holding me together so tight, and the smell of my mother’s hair is reminding me of summer nights camping out on the porch and asking her about stars, and my sisters soft hands are making me think of the twins braiding and twisting Harry’s hair, I can hear Liam flipping pages in a book and Niall strumming soft on a guitar and Zayn tapping his foot because it’s been too long since he’s been out for a smoke, and it feels like home, it feels right, I’m able to forget about the fact that there is something off, something missing, if I just keep holding on to my mum and keep my eyes shut and keep pretending that there is a reason for that absence other than Harry fighting for his life I’m okay.

But good things don’t last forever and I’m pulled back to reality with the slamming of the door. In a second I feel hands grab me and turn me towards them and I come face to face with a red eyed, angry, tear stained face of Gemma. I try to speak and show her that I’m sorry, but all I manage is “Gem I-“ 

“NO LOUIS, DON’T DON’T GEM ME NO! YOU LEFT, YOU JUST LEFT, WE HAVE ALL BEEN HERE DAY AND NIGHT AND YOU HAVE JUST BEEN OFF IGNORING US ALL, SHUTTING OFF YOUR PHONE, MAKING EVERYONE WORRY WHEN WE HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT ALREADY! MY MUM HAS CRIED FOR YOU EVERYDAY AND HAS WONDERED WHERE YOU ARE BECAUSE HARRY NEEDS EVERYONE HERE WITH HIM BUT THE ONE PERSON HE FUCKING NEEDED THE MOST DECIDED HE JUST WASN’T FEELING UP TO STICKING AROUND!” 

 

Liam tries to intercept, “Gem, just calm down, he had good reason, he was figuring some things out, if you would let him explain-“ 

 

“NO SCREW THAT LI, HE DOESN’T JUST GET A FREE PASS, ESPECIALLY SEEING AS HE SEEMS JUST FINE AND DANDY! WHERE EVEN WERE YOU LOUIS HUH?!

“I-I was, I was home, at the flat, I uh, I was drinking a bit, and uhm sad, and crying, and processing, trying to process”

“SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, YOU WERE AT YOUR NICE BIG HOUSE IN A COZY WARM BED, GETTING DRUNK AND ‘PROCESSING’ WOW TOMLINSON! JUST WOW, YOU THINK WE DIDN’T ALL WANT THAT? DIDN’T ALL WANT TO GO HOME AND DO SOMETHING TO MAKE US FORGET THAT THIS IS HAPPENING?! DO YOU NOT THINK THAT WE ALL HAVEN’T WANTED TO GO HOME AND SLEEP!? BUT WE HAVEN’T HAVE WE!”

“S’not the same Gemma, I love Harry, I- I didn’t mean to abandon him, I was just, it was too much, I-I”

“YOU LOVE HIM?! WOW LOUIS TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW ALREADY! WE ALL LOVE HARRY LOUIS I HAVE LOVED HARRY SINCE THE DAY HE WAS BORN, I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR EVERYTHING HE IS MY HONEST TO GOD BROTHER, MY MOTHER IS WATCHING ONE OF HER CHILDREN DIE BUT SHE’S NOT LEAVING HIS SIDE TO DRINK AND PROCESS RIGHT NOW! SHE’S STICKING BY HIM AND FIGHTING WITH HIM AND I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE DECENT ENOUGH TO DO THE SAME! YOU DIDN’T MEAN TO ABANDON HIM, BUT YOU DID, YOU DID AND NOW ITS TOO FUCKING LATE FOR YOU TO BE HERE FOR HIM”

“what? What do you mean?”

She looks away and wipes her tears and heads towards the door. I catch her arm and turn her to me, “Gemma what do you mean?” 

 

“I MEAN WE HAVE SPOKEN WITH THE DOCTORS, MY MUM HAS DECIDED WHAT SHE THINKS IS BEST FOR HIM, I MEAN THAT HARRY ISN’T GETTING ANY BETTER LOUIS, YOU WOULDN’T KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN UNREACHABLE AND ABSENT BUT HE HASN’T WOKEN UP, HE’S NOT IMPROVING AS MUCH AS THEY WOULD LIKE HIM TOO, SO I’M GLAD THAT YOU SPENT HARRY’S LAST WEEK ALONE AND IN YOUR BED WITHOUT HIM AND I HOPE THAT MAKES YOU MISERABLE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT LOUIS HARRY FUCKING LOVED YOU, HE LOVED YOU LIKE YOU PUT THE SAND ON THE BEACH AND WILLED THE WIND TO BLOW THROUGH HIS STUPID RIDICULOUS HAIR AND YOU COULDN’T HOLD YOURSELF TOGETHER FOR HIM JUST ONCE WHEN HE NEEDED YOU!”

“but, Gem, I love him! I love him really really I do, I just I didn’t, I’m here now, I’m trying, what can I do?! I’m so so sorry”

She pulled herself from my grip and yanked the door opened, she turned back around 

 

“I don’t want your fucking apology, but you should probably go and say goodbye.”

I don’t think what Gemma has said has even processed, I don’t think anything has processed, I think everyone knows that I love Harry. As soon as that door shut it was wrenched open again and I’m running so hard and so fast that I think my chest might explode, I skid to a halt in front of Harry’s room and see Anne and a doctor speaking. Anne’s shoulders are shaking and she is covering her face, so I go in because it’s now or never and I don’t even know if I made it on time. 

 

When I burst through the door I notice a few things, one being that there is still a steady rhythm on the heart monitor, so Harry is still alive. Secondly I notice Anne rushing to me and wrapping me into a hug so strong we almost topple to the ground 

“Mum, I am so sorry, I just, I”

“No love it’s alright, I know, it’s okay, you’re here now, shhh, it’s alright”

She leans me back and kisses my forehead

“I was just finishing up in here so I’ll give you two a moment, I think there is a lot to discuss, when you have made a final decision let me know Mrs. Twist” the doctor excuses himself from the room.

Anne takes my hand and leads me over to a set of chairs, one on each side of the bed, she sits in one and I take the other. 

It is silent, so I decide to take Harry in, he looks better and worse all at once. There is no bandage on his head anymore so his curls are loose and flowing. But his face is a bit sunken in, because he hasn’t had food since we ate last at that little café and even that I’m sure he threw up. I can’t believe it has been a week since I’ve looked at Harry’s face. And it’s even more unbelievable how much I know his face, every inch of it memorized even though I’ve never properly traced it. 

I think back to all the times I noticed how soft and baby pink his lips were and wonder how the hell I never told him I loved him. How the hell did I get graced with his presence in my life everyday but yet still I didn’t lie him down on a silk sheet and memorize every part of him, or lie with him and name off every part of him that I adored, or remind him that he’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I softly reach for his hand and take it into my own.

 

“Hey Haz, it’s me, Louis, I- I’m sorry I’ve been away, I just, well, it’s not important, but I’m here, and I was just thinking, and I need to tell you. Remember when we went to Brazil, and saw Christ the Redeemer and we had that gorgeous view all around us and we were standing underneath a wonder of the world, yeah, well, all I can remember from that day was turning around from the edge of that cliff, and seeing you staring up at that massive thing and you had your eyes wide open and you were breathing deeply and just taking it all in, and I should have been doing that too, I should have been marveling at the fact that I was stood under Christ the Redeemer, but I wasn’t, I was marveling at you, and I think that’s the first time that I really noticed that I loved you. I always have you know, and I don’t know why we never talked about it, and I don’t know why it never hit me so hard before now, but I do know that if you were awake you would google why that is, or you would already be able to point me towards some psychological reasoning behind my actions, because you’re so bloody smart, and wonderful and beautiful, and I love you, I just need you to know I love you and your mum is here with me and she loves you so much, and all the lads and everyone, you are so so loved, and we are still waiting for you to come back to us.”

I stand up a bit and kiss his cheek, I sit back down and retake his hand and face Anne, who looks utterly shocked, but also a bit like she knew this was coming, and so very warm and happy but so very sad and tired. Tears were pricking her eyes and she gave a heavy sigh

 

“Louis we need to talk about what the doctor and I just discussed”


	9. The Living Breathing Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Oh my god thank you so much for all the comments and kudos and hits and everything!! I love love love people so if anyone wants to talk or follow for cool content and everything my tumblr is sitandstareatthestars.tumblr.com my snapchat and instagram are @jaustin95 
> 
> I may take a bit to update like a few days because my work and school schedule is HECTIC this week
> 
> but like I said I love love love meeting people and making friends so don't be shy!!

Louis Pov Con’t 

There have been many times over the years that I have had to brace myself for impacts. I had to build up enough courage and confidence to audition for xfactor but also be ready to see it not work out. I had to be ready for things to crash and burn when we were just starting out because there was a chance we would flop. I had to brace myself for the impact when my mum was having troubles with her last pregnancy. And most recently I had to brace myself and deal with the after math of Zayn leave the band. But none of those moments held so much potential for collateral damage like the impact of the words Anne was about to say to me. They would break me, more than that, they had the potential to absolutely destroy me, even though I had pretty much accepted what she was bound to say earlier this week, hearing it would make it real. It would no longer be something I imagined and determined out of fear and regret, it would be the living breathing truth. And the living breathing truth is something that can take your breath away. 

I clear my throat but my voice cracks anyway “wh-a-at did he say?” She takes a big breath and I brace myself. 

“Well I need to tell you what you have missed, this past week Harry woke up, on Wednesday-“

I cut her off, “Wednesday?! He woke up?! Why didn’t anyone come and get me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?!”

“We tried to ring you love, but it didn’t really matter, he didn’t stay awake long”

“Why what happened? I’m sorry I was away I just-“

“It’s okay, I’ve already said that yeah?”

I look to her and nod

“Right, so he woke up for a bit, but he panicked because he was disoriented and didn’t know where he was, but he calmed down a bit after they removed the breathing tube, and thankfully they haven’t had to replace it” 

She looks close to crying so I offer over my other hand and she takes it and gives a small squeeze 

“He basically fell right to sleep after all that, exhausted poor thing, but it was around thirty or so minutes later that he took a fit, and that kept happening every 10-20 minutes, and his kidneys are still very weak, as well as the rest of his body, so we decided to keep him sedated because the force of the fits were just too much for his body to handle, we were planning on taking him out of the sedation today, but his stats haven’t gotten any better, and the doctor thinks that it’s the beginning of organ failure, an-d-d I, I am s-s-o sorry L-louis-s I don’t know wha-t-t to do, we could try and wake him but it could kill him, but not waking him isn’t doing any good either” 

She starts to cry so I stand and join her on the other side of the bed dragging my chair along with me, I take Harry’s opposite hand and hold onto Anne as tightly as I can while she cries and silent tears roll down my cheeks. After a few moments I sit back

“We’ll figure this out mum, I know it” she nods and wipes her tears

“You know Louis, Harry loves you so much, and he always has, he may have never said it but he’s been with you from the jump. Remember when you two came over one night and made Robin and I dinner and it was this huge deal just to ask if you two could get that flat in London?” 

I shake my head and smile at the memory, 

Harry had gone all out, cooking, baking, setting the table with candles, getting me to buy a nice red and white wine so Anne and Robin could have what they liked, I think we even got Robin a nice cigar. 

“I was so scared you know, Harry was so young-“ 

She pauses and brushes a hand through his hair and I swear I see his eyes flick beneath his pale lids 

“He was so young and I was so scared that something would happen to my baby all alone in a big city, and things with the band weren’t certain and you lot still could have struck out and not made it, but I remember expressing my doubts, and I remember exactly what you said to me, do you?” 

I nod “Yeah” 

“you said Mrs. Anne I know this is sudden and a little wild and uncertain but if anything we have learned that chances are best worth taking and even more worth fighting for if it means that they will work out and turn into something good, and then Harry chatted on and on about how exciting and cool it would be, and I was so scared that everything would come crashing down and I would have to pick up my baby’s shattered and broken pieces within months, and I told you both I would decide in a few days after I thought over it, but before I went to bed you stopped me in the hallway and you said, 

"I know that we only have known each other a short while but I love Harry like my own, and I would never let anything happen to him, and I will always protect him, he’s become a part of me just like the lads, maybe even more so than them, I know there is a big risk in all of this, and I know you are worried that things might not work out, but this whole thing, this One Direction business, it’s just right, it just happened, and I don’t think that there is a force on this earth that could ever tear us apart after everything, even if things with the band don’t work out I’d choose to live with Harry a million times over because he’s one of the best parts of my life."

"And I decided right then and there that I would say yes, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made because I’ve never seen Harry happier, even when bad things would happen, and I never had to worry because I knew he was with you” 

I have no words to say to her and tears started streaking my face long ago, if Harry were awake he would probably complain about how tight I’m holding onto his hand.   
We hug some more and I apologize again for not being there for her and I tell her all the stupid things I was doing, but she assures me I am still loved, and apologizes for Gemma because she was so overwhelmed by everything the doctor had been saying that she must have just lashed out at Louis, things were hard for everyone right now. We decide to go and have a talk with everyone in the waiting room about what the doctor has said, before we leave she kisses Harry goodbye and gives his hand a squeeze, I stand and awkwardly drape my body down over him in a makeshift hug, I kiss his forehead and whisper   
“I love you Haz, I won’t be gone long I promise, just going to see everyone else for a bit, stay strong” 

and I give him a small squeeze and join Anne as we walk to the waiting room


	10. I want this so much it hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO sorry! I mean if you haven't noticed everything is going up in flames LOL  
> and I am just I don't even know what to say, aside from the 1D drama llama I also have a crazy amount of school right now because my final is next week, and I worked basically 12 hours a day everyday this week!! 
> 
> In other news I got like 200 likes on an insta post and felt cool xD so yeah check that shit @jaustin95  
> and for 1D related crayy just sitandstareatthestars.tumblr.com

Waiting Room  
A bit of everyone’s point of view, as heard by Louis

We enter the waiting room and everyone freezes, my mum comes over to Anne and guides her to a seat, and I plop down next to Lottie and Niall on the sofa. I notice Niall’s arm around her but now isn’t the time for that, I trust him and I trust her. Anne clears her throat. 

“Is everyone here? We’ve got somethings to discuss”  
Sophia voices from the back  
“Let me grab Li and Zayn they went to smoke”  
She exits and speaks to my mum in soft tones, my gaze drifts back to Lottie and Niall next to me. I reach out and stroke Lottie’s arm,  
“You holding up okay love?” She turns to me and extracts herself from Niall,  
“yeah you?” She snuggles into me and Niall gazes at her like a lost puppy. I lean down and whisper to her  
“So you and Irish huh?” She looks up at me hesitantly  
“um- sort of, yah, I don’t know, nothing serious”  
“Do you want it to be” she blushes and grins, I kiss her forehead “s’alright love” Sophia and the boys enter the room and Anne sits up straighter and everyone grows silent, Liam and Zayn have squished beside me on the couch half hanging off onto the floor. Anne recaps what she told me earlier and there is an unsteady silence around the room as she finishes with “What do you lot think we should try, you’re as much a part of the family as Gem, Des, and Robin are and I want to know, I can’t decide this on my own”  
There are about a million things running through my mind as I actually try and weigh the options in my head and try and think about what Harry would want, I try and think back to if we had ever talked about anything like this but I draw a blank because I don’t think we ever imagined something this bad, even on the nights where everything was too much and it felt like we were all suffocating.  
Liam speaks up first “I think that it’s worth a shot to have him wake up, I mean I know it hasn’t looked so good, but we are all about chances and we usually luck out though, and Harry he’s got us I think he can do it”  
Lottie says “I think he will pull through if we all stay by his side”  
Niall sighs “ta be honest I don’t know what ta say, I want Haz ta wake but not sure it’s worth the risk just yet, maybe we should wait”  
Perrie, Sophia, and my mum nod in agreement and Anne says “I want to wait I think, but I also want to try, maybe we should wait a few days and try”  
Lottie says “But what if something goes wrong when he wakes up, should we let them put him back under and heal some more? Can they even do that?”  
Anne replies “Well they can but the back and forth sedation can be seriously dangerous and increases his chances of not waking up all together”  
Gemma hasn’t spoken the entire time, she’s just been glaring at me as hot tears roll down her cheek.  
Zayn speaks up then “I don’t think we should keep this up” he hesitates “uh, I mean, Haz and I we, we talked once, about something like this, and I don’t, I don’t think he would want all of this, I think he would want us to wake him and let whatever happens, happens, no putting him back under, just letting things take their course”  
The room goes dead quiet “What?” I say in disbelief, I turn to Zayn “You just want to give up?! I see you haven’t changed much in the past few months” He looks hurt but I don’t care and then Gemma speaks  
“Shut it Louis, I think Zayn has a point, I love Harry so much, but we can’t talk to him, we don’t know what’s going on and all of this happening, the ups and down, he’s so worn out, how are we to know if we aren’t hurting him more by holding on, I- damnit I don’t want to say this, but I think it might be time to let him wake up and go if he’s going to go, if he’s not then he won’t”  
“Fuck that!” I scream “We- we can’t just give up, something will work, something has to work, don’t you guys want to give Harry a chance? He still has a chance, he’s held on this long hasn’t he?!”  
Tears are running down my face and I stand and pace the room “I can’t believe you want to give up on him! You don’t agree do you!?” I turn to Liam, Niall, and Lottie.  
Lottie is the first to speak “I – I don’t know Lou, I, I, um think Z might have a point” Niall agrees with “I’m sorry mate but we have to think about this hard, it might be doing more harm than good” Liam looks wearily towards Anne, and then back to me, “I don’t know Louis, nothing we choose is going to be easy and it all can end with losing Harry, but this sounds like the best thing to do, we can’t just keep putting him through all of this over and over because we can’t let him go.” I am shocked, I feel like the earth has been ripped from beneath my feet, I can’t believe everyone has given up, I’m not sad, I am angry, livid actually doesn’t come close to describe the heat coursing through my veins. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LOT, I JUST CAN’T YOU ARE JUST GIVING UP AND LEAVING IT TO CHANCE JUST SEEING WHAT HAPPENS?! WHAT ABSOLUTE SHIT” I kick the wall I try to throw a chair but they are bolted to the floor, I grab the door and yank it open and take off down the hall towards Harry’s room.  
Waiting Room  
Liam’s POV  
The door closes silently despite the force that Louis yanked it open with. I am at a loss for words, this whole situation is fucked, it’s just so fucked, and Zayn, I wasn’t prepared for the bomb he just dropped, or Gemma, but after thinking about it, it didn’t take long to decide that their idea was honestly the best one of the lot. Anne spoke up softly obviously shaken by everything, “I think he needs a moment, I think we all do, I’ll go and get the doctor in a minute and Liam I think you should fetch Louis.” I exit and swiftly make my way to the only place that makes sense. I pause before I enter and take a deep breath. I open the door and it glides open silently, I spot Louis slumped over Harry’s bed holding a death grip on the sheets. He looks so defeated, I go to call out to him, but as I do he begins to sob and between the racks of his chest I hear him speak.  
“Haz-z-, plea-s-see, I, I don’t know, how, how am I ever going to repay you for it, but, I need you to wake up. I just, I can’t do this-“ He heaves a deep breath, and reaches a shaking hand up to brush back some of Harry’s curls, continuing to stroke them. “Shit, shit, fuck, Harry I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, you know, me and your mum we went and we talked with everyone; we are going to try and help you wake up, I really hope you are ready, and you are strong enough, but if you can’t handle it, if-f it h-hurts-s to much, I, I want you to go, p-prom-mise-e me you will go, don’t, don’t fight and suffer on our accounts, I, we all want you to stay, but I don’t want you to hurt anymore, you are too good to hurt. I know you don’t want to go love, but, I’ll take care of your mum and Gem, and we will all take care of each other, and-d I’ll- I’ll be s-s-o sad-d and so, so angry. I doubt I’ll ever be fixed, I’ll never get over it, and I will never ever forget you. You are the most important piece of my life and I would trade everything, the band, the money, the fame, everything, for you to be okay, for you to just make it. But,-“ He sighs and kisses his hand “But I love you so much, enough to know that if you are hurting then you should go because it’s not worth the suffering, I’m pulling the I’m older card here. Everything is going to be absolute hell when you wake up you know, at first anyways, if you decide to fight this and wake up it won’t be easy- but I can promise you I won’t be leaving your side, I will be here for all of it if you decide that’s what you want. And God Haz, I want that, I want it so much it hurts, its making this ache in my bones creak, but if you can’t do this it’s okay. I just hope you that you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me, even if we never talked about this when you were awake. I really need you to know-“ He pauses and kisses Harry’s lips “I love you, I really do, and all this I just said is both a plea and a promise, please please wake up and I promise I’ll be there. But if you don’t wake up and you go; I’ll still be with you, so don’t be scared and don’t forget that. I hope you can hear me” He picks up his hand once again and gives it a kiss and lies his head down on the bed and nuzzles in close to Harry’s side. I decide to finally make myself known and walk over towards my very best and very defeated friend and hope that this all turns out okay. The closer I get the more I am able to make out almost silent whispers of I love yous and I’m heres while I am sure the hand being clasped in Louis is being peppered with both kisses and tears. I clear my throat “Lou, uh, um” He looks to me and his face is tear stained and broken and I’m not sure what to do. This is worse than when I found him in his house, and I have a feeling that right now just as before the flood gates were about to open. Last time he had clung to me and apologized for being away and admitted long present feelings to himself as well as me, he explained the confusion about everything and we held each other together and he listened to my apology and guilt but then reassured me that he didn’t actual hold me responsible for anything and that I needed to forgive myself, and honestly I think I have, but I couldn’t have done it without Tommo. And now he’s facing me with his face crumbling in further and further, I take a step closer and place a hand on his shoulder, this was going to be all about him. He looks up at me and croaks out “L-liam” and clings to me, I let his tears flow freely and hold on tight.


	11. It's a start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just went through and realized how Ao3 posts stuff even though I put spaces between paragraphs to make it easier to read, so sorry to those who have a hard time reading all the dialogue, I don't know how to fix it :( I'll probably update again tonight!

Louis POV

 

Liam’s embrace is comforting and warm and I know that I am safe within his arms. Nothing about this is going to be easy, and I don’t know what I’ll do if Harry doesn’t pull through, but I know I’ll have the lads and our families. There is a quiet knock on the door and it opens up to reveal matching sets of dark brown hair, Gemma and Anne walk in.

Anne speaks up “Louis, love, is it okay if we all come in, the doctor is ready to give the drug and everyone wants to be here for Harry.”

“Yeah of course”

I get up and walk over to her and we wrap each other up, after we release I look at Gemma

“Gem-“

“No Louis, I don’t care”

Anne looks over “Gem, stop it” She rolls her eyes “I’m going to get the others”.

“I’m sorry she’s being such a prat Louis, she’s just overwhelmed”

I sigh, I know Anne is partly right, but Gemma has a right to be upset, and I’m upset at myself for the same thing honestly. I should have been here this whole time, maybe things would have been different, but I’ll never know.

 

My thoughts are interrupted as the doctor along with Zayn, Perrie, Sophia, Lottie, Niall, Fiz, my mum, Dan, Gemma, and Des walk in. We settle ourselves about the suite like room, most everyone takes up residence in the living area adorned with chairs and couches. Harry’s mum, Gemma and Des sit on one side of the bed while My mum and I take up the other. Dan walks over to us after giving assuring hugs to both Lottie and Fizzy. He places a firm hand on my shoulder and leans in close

 

“It’s going to be okay Louis, I know I haven’t been around long, but I love you and the boys and your mum and sisters and all of this, but most importantly I love you, I know that this is all new and scary, but if you need me I’ll be here”

I look up to him and admire him so much I whisper a quiet “thank you” and give him a quick hug, he really has outdone himself by taking all of this on, and he’s done so good by my mum and sisters, and I wouldn’t trade Doris and Ernest for anything so I’m glad he’s around, I really need to remember to have a good heart to heart with him soon.

 

The doctor clears his throat “Now, I am going to administer the drug, but I have to warn you that it is entirely possible it will take up to 48 hours for it to have affect, or it could happen as quickly as five minutes from now, it’s all up to Harry.”

 

I watch as he puts the syringe into his IV and pushes down the plunger, everyone lets out collective breaths, nothing happens, but I grip Harry’s hand a little harder and for a moment I almost think I feel a squeeze back, but I know it can’t be yet. Eventually the room falls into a quiet lull as it gets later and later into the night.

 

The Next Day

 

By five in the morning everyone decides that we should take shifts and go home for actual rest in beds. Perrie, Zayn, Niall, Lottie, Fizzy, Dan, Des, Sophia, and Liam all take first shift, and I toss Niall the keys to mine and Harry’s because it’s closest to the hospital and has the most sleeping space. After they go I nudge my mum awake and guide her to the couch so she can have a proper lie down, and do the same with Anne and Gemma. I retake my spot next to Harry and hold his hand in mine.

 

Hands are funny you know? You don’t think about just how absolutely vital they are to everything you do, just give it a good think yeah, amazing right?

 

But Hands are so much more than that because they facilitate touch, and touch is the most intimate part of human nature.

 

Have you ever brushed over the soft scalp of a newborns head and felt the tiny hairs tickle your fingertips.

 

What about the first time you grasped your crushes hand and realized you weren’t the only one who was sweaty with nerves.

 

What about when you were offered a hand in times of distress and somehow just the pressure of another made you feel a million miles away from your problems and safe like you were home.

How about the feeling of the stair banister of your childhood home, or the fur on your favorite plush.

What about the feeling of your dad’s strong muscles as he lifted you up and down while you played in the back yard.

Do you remember the first time you traced up and down someone’s body, their chest, arms, thighs, back and face?

Your touched caused electricity equivalent to lightning bolts to run through their veins and ricochet in their soul.

You were able to memorize the supple leather of them, their perfections, tiny bumps and hairs, callouses.

The swell and stretch of the sink over their ribs as they existed in a state of steady breaths.

What about the first time you were within someone, feeling their heat entrap you as they begged for more, the first time you let someone into the deepest part of you and wanted nothing more than for it to last forever.

Think about your fingerprints, you know nobody, not even identical twins have the same fingerprints.

They are completely and one hundred percent uniquely yours, lines, ridges, and swells that make up the fingers, which make up the hands, which allow you to experience all the vital pieces of your world.

 

And I think about this as I spend the next few hours I am unable to sleep tracing over each of Harry’s fingers, learning each dip and curve of his fingerprints, finding the small bump on top of his hand that comes from his jutting veins.

 

I realize how large his hands are compared to mine, and how different they are from Zayn’s which are always hot and smooth, and Liam’s whose are rough and hairy. His are soft and have tiny bumps that are almost impossible to feel at first, and has tiny wispy hairs that you only feel if you brush against the grain of them. I find his pulse, it’s nice and its steady, eventually it lulls me to sleep, playing over and over in my head.

 

I wake up again around 10 in the morning with a nurse nudging me,

 

“sorry love got to get by you and change out these medicines and all that, then the doctor will be coming in to perform some tests on Harry okay?”

 

 

 

I nod and get out of my seat and stretch, I notice that Zayn is in the room over in the corner sketching something on the couch, I wander over and snuggle into his side. He’s sketching Harry of course, but it’s beautiful, he’s in the hospital bed in the sketch, but I see the making of all of us surrounding him.

 

“So good Z”

 

“Thanks, now he can see how it was while he was asleep, surrounded by all of us, he’ll like it yeah?”

 

“He’ll love it, where’s Anne and Gemma and the others?”

 

“Anne and Gems went for breakfast, the others are still home, I couldn’t sleep, so I came back over, How are you holding up Lou?”

 

 

I sigh “Honestly Z, I can’t tell you, this all just seems so surreal, sometimes I feel okay, and other times it all hits me and I want to run away.”

 

 

“Well I’m glad you’re not, I’m glad you are here with us and safe, Liam told me you were drinking yourself away at home, you- you can’t do that again, you know, like, I- I need you, and your mum and sisters, and Niall and Liam, we would all be a wreck without you.”

 

“I am so sorry, I can’t even believe I did what I did, I- I can’t believe I ever left while all this was going on, it’s no wonder Gems hates me now, she’ll never forgive me you know? Even if Haz pulls through all this, she knows what I did, and I do too, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to admit that to him, he doesn’t deserve someone like me, I can’t even pull myself together to stay and hold his hand when he needed me the most I-“

 

“Louis stop it okay, mate I love you but you have to be kidding me if you think Harry didn’t know you loved him, everyone could see it Louis, everyone, even as mad at you as she is Gemma knows you love him, she gave you a kiss before they left this morning, she doesn’t actually blame you, she’s just hurting, she needs someone to be mad at, and yeah you messed up by not being here, but you were coping to, this is a lot for all of us, but you just discovered you’re in love with him and it hit you like a tsunami and nobody can blame you for your reaction. If it were Perrie in that bed, or Sophia Liam and I would be the ones in a strop. So don’t blame yourself, you were coping, albeit in a shit way, but none the less you are here now, and Harry knows that, and we all can see how serious you are and how much you love him, and Liam has told us all enough of what you said back home for us to know that this isn’t just because of what happened to Harry, these feelings were a long time coming, it just happened to be a shitty thing rather than a good thing to finally spring the leak.”

 

I just sigh and nuzzle in closer as Zayn wraps me up.

 

“Thanks babe, you know I really miss having you on the road, are you and Pez okay? It’s been awhile since we talked it’s just you know how tour is”

 

“I know mate, its fine, but yea me and Pez are alright, It’s good to be home, I feel, better, more stable, she’s god Lou she’s something else, like she’s just it you know, she keeps me sane, and I know we had to do so much hiding and fake fighting and we have been distant but Perrie and my family it’s like I’m with them every day and it’s just the best.”

 

I smile because I am so happy for him, he was in such a rough space and then got mixed in the wrong crowd, but now he’s doing better and that’s all that matters, because even without One Direction we will always be best friends. “

 

You two set a date yet then? Been itching to get a new tux and see you sweat it out in a church for awhile now”

 

He pushes me and blushes “Sod off Lou, she wants to wait til her tour is over and all that, I’m okay with it, I had my fair share of shining years, now it’s her turn and I want her to experience it as much as she can, I’m just focusing on being there for her and for the girls, giving them everything I can.”

 

“Well mate your doing a proper job, I’m proud of you, our little Zaynie all grown up”

 

I pinch his cheeks and he starts giggling and romping about with me and we don’t stop until we hear Anne

 

“Boys, Louis, you might want to come over here, could be of some help”

 

We stop messing about and approach the bed where Anne, Gemma, and the Doctor have gathered. He clears his throat

 

“Okay I just need to perform some evaluations of Harry’s condition, but it usually results in a better outcome if the commands come from a familiar voice. So Anne you start first and then we will try Gemma, Zayn, and Louis. So just go up to Harry and first ask if he can hear you, and if he can to try and open his eyes or squeeze your hand.”

 

Anne goes up first and does as he says, she gets some eye movement from beneath his lids but no squeeze. Gemma goes next and she has the same result. Zayn gets some eye movement and a bit of finger twitching too. And then it’s my turn, I am so nervous my hands are shaking.

 

I approach Harry and take his hand in mine and I laugh a little, “even when you’re dead to the world you’re still able to comfort me, can you give my hand a little squeeze love, I’m really nervous and you always help”

Nothing.

 

“How about letting me see your eyes, I miss them so much you know”

 

 

I give him a cheek kiss, still nothing.

 

“Come on Haz, you did it for everyone else, I know you are tired, but just try a bit yeah, and then you can rest, and I won’t go anywhere”

 

I pause a moment and give his hand a little squeeze, and finally I get a squeeze back,

 

“That’s it love, now just lemme see your eyes, just for a second, you’re doing so so well, I love you so much”

 

His eyelids flutter and strain,

 

“That’s it” I give his hand a kiss, and then I see a flash of white and green.

 

“Yes love that was brilliant, thank you so much”

 

I lean down and give him a kiss on the lips and a nuzzle.

 

The doctor speaks up

 

“That was really good, he seems to be doing well all things considering, his blood pressure is still a little unstable so we will have to keep an eye out on that, but in good news, his kidney’s seem to be on the road to recovery. Along with that the only other thing I need to say is to be patient, especially when he finally does begin to fully wake up, we don’t know the extent of damage that was done from the fall or the heat stroke, he could be very confused, have mild amnesia, along with other complications, if he does wake up notify a nurse immediately so that I can come in. You lot are truly remarkable and I am so glad to see how loved Harry is.”

 

He exits the room and we all go back to the living area, aside from Gemma who leaves out to give her husband an update on everything and to call the others and tell them the news. Anne, Zayn and I snuggle up and pop on a classic romantic comedy that’s Harry’s favorite to help him feel more comfortable and to give us all a laugh. For the first time since this all happened, I feel able to breath, although it may be strained it’s there, and I feel a bubble of hope rise in my chest as I make quick glances back towards Harry and notice a small smile playing on his lips, this is a start.


	12. The Grand Scheme of Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short, I got way tired way faster than I planned! I'll update again soon xoxo

Niall’s POV

 

In the grand scheme of things, when I arrived back at the hospital after hearing the news that Harry had opened his eyes I was over the moon. And like Louis had said when Liam and I had arrived back it was a start. I know that there is still a chance things could go bad, but I just had a feeling that things were going to be alright. We were all sat around the waiting room around lunch time, Zayn and Liam had just gone down to get lunch and we had sent all the girls to a spa, with promises to let them know if Harry woke up. Although Lots and Gem had to practically drag Anne away, the doctor assured her a few hours away would be fine because Harry had been in the same state for practically 48 hours.

 

So Louis and I were in a fierce game of cards, and nowhere near ready for what happened not even three minutes after Zayn and Liam left. It was almost un-noticeable at first, and I didn’t even realize what was happening until I notice Louis tense up, drop his cards, and sprint to Harry’s bedside. Harry was shaking uncontrollably and Louis was screaming and sobbing and trying to hold onto him. I rushed over and slammed the call light, but I didn’t have to because nurses were already running in. Louis is in a right state, and I am trying to help the nurses pull him off of Harry and out of the way.

I finally get him back far enough and try and wrap my arms around him but he is fighting so hard.

“HARRY, PLE-EAS-SE-E NO NO NO PLEASE DON’T GO PLEASE”

 

I am trying to hold back my own tears and keep Louis away, thankfully Liam and Zayn return and rush over to me and help me get Louis against the wall. He’s still kicking and screaming, and I can’t even pay attention to what’s going on with Harry because Louis is in such a state.

 

“HARRY, HARRY, PLEASE, PLEASE NO NO IT’S NOT FAIR, NO”

 

He turns into a puddle of sobs and fast breaths. He sinks down to his knees so we do the same and form a tight tight hug around him.

 

“Breathe Louis, Breathe, it’s alright, it’s okay”

 

“NO NO IT’S NOT I CAN’T PLEASE HARRY PLEASE”

 

“It’s okay Louis it’s okay you’ve got to be strong, Harry needs you right now, he needs you, you have to breathe”

 

Hot tears are running down my face and I look to Liam and Zayn for comfort but they are in the same state as me because we all know what this means. We squeeze around him tighter and tighter

“Louis it’s okay we are here it’s okay it’s okay”

 

“IT’S NOT IT’S NOT HE CAN’T JUST GO, WHY DIDN’T WE WAIT LONGER, HE WASN’T READY, MAKE HIM COME BACK PLEASE PLEASE!! I CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT HIM, HARRY, HARRY NO NO NO”.

 

It felt worse than a nightmare, in an instant I felt Louis pain because he was right, we could have waited, and now I don’t know what’s waiting for me when I finally turn around. I don’t know if I am going to ever see Harry’s face again because it’s going to be covered by a white sheet. I want to lose it, I want to cry, but Louis needs us right now and I look at Liam and Zayn and know they must be thinking the same things. There is still chaos going on behind us, but collectively we stand and drag Louis with us towards the door. He doesn’t even resist at first, until he realizes we are taking him further and further away.

He starts clawing at our arms and I can’t even make out what he’s saying anymore except for the screams of

“NO NO NO, PLEASE I CAN’T LEAVE HIM AGAIN, NO PLEASE LET ME STAY, HARRY PLEASE DON’T GO I NEED YOU PLEASE, NO NIALL STOP PLEASE”

 

And I want to, I want to let go and let him run to Harry because I want to as well, but I know we have to get Louis out of here and I have to focus on something other than my best friend potentially dying less than three feet away from me. So I continue to help Liam and Zayn drag him out the door, and ignore his kicking and screaming and sobs and the way he’s hit my shin hard enough to leave bruises and the scratches on my arms that are drawing blood.

When we finally get him out of the room he’s still screaming and a nurse directs us to the private waiting room where we finally release him as the three of us sink down against the door so he can’t run out. We let him go and he crumples to the floor and screams and cries, he starts to throw up and Liam grabs a bin and rubs his back. Once our adrenaline finally settles down we join Liam and form a protective band around Louis until he can’t cry anymore and he’s just sniffling lying with his head in Liam’s lap.

 

“Louis, I am so sorry, I am so so sorry mate, I- I don’t even know what to say”

 

He doesn’t even respond, just stares blankly at the wall, he’s broken, and I don’t think we will be able to fix him.

 

A knock on the door draws our attention even though none of us have spoken, the nurse from before cracks open the door,

 

“Is one of you able to speak, we need to speak with someone right away”

 

I look around, Louis doesn’t move, Liam is cradling him, and Zayn looks ready to punch something. I speak up

 

“Yes Mamm, I can” I get up and stiffly move to the door “It’s gonna be best if we speak out here mamm” She nods and we exit.

 

I prepare myself for the worst, but I know it won’t be enough, because what the fuck? How do you prepare yourself for anything like this? You can’t and you don’t it just lands on you like an atomic bomb and all that is left is shattered melted pieces with third degree burns and radiation sickness that will take weeks to disappear if you are lucky enough to not become instantly vaporized leaving only a shadow stain on the ground where you once were.

 

She begins to speak “Well mister..?”

“Horan, but Niall is fine”

“Okay Niall, I have some news on the condition of Mister Styles, he just suffered from a seizure, which is completely expected considering his injuries and trauma. He pulled through it spectacularly, and even though it was scary it is a good sign because it means that more of his brain is waking up.”

“So he’s okay then?”

“Well he is still not fully awake, but after the seizure passed he went back to a stable state just as before. We will be continuing to monitor his condition a bit more closely because this is generally a sign that he will become conscious again relatively soon. However I have to tell you that there is a potential for that to happen again, so it may be best to keep Mr. Tomlinson away for the time being”

“No, I’m sorry, but no, I, we, we can’t do that to him, we just need to explain the situation, it just scared him, he thought, we all thought Harry was done for.”

“Well that is understandable, he is still in a fragile state, but overall he is doing just as well as he was before the seizure occurred, you are all welcome to go back into the room whenever you are up for it.”

 

“Thank you so so much mamm, It means a lot, thank you for everything ya do”

 

“No problem, also someone on our staff has notified his mother and she is on her way here”

 

“Okay thank you again” She walks away and I sink back against the door and I finally cry things are okay.

 

After a few deep breaths I pull myself together and re-enter the waiting area.

Zayn is the first to come over to me “What’ve they said, is he? Is it over?”

“Mate, I, Harry is okay”

“What?” Liam says from below still on the ground holding a now sleeping Louis.

“Yeah, he had a seizure, but the nurse says it’s normal and actually means he’s closer to waking up, he’s stable now and we can go back, Anne is on her way, probably with everyone else as well, it could happen again though, she said maybe we should keep Louis away, but I think if we explain it he will be okay”

 

Liam looks down at him “Poor bloke, god I don’t know what I would do if this were Soph I’d-“

 

He gets choked up and I feel a wrench in my stomach because as of lately the only one I can think of is Lottie, and even though it hasn’t gotten serious, I still don’t know what state I’d be in if this were her. Zayn agrees with him

 

“Should wake him up then yeah?”

 

We join Liam on the floor and I start to nudge him away. He wakes with a startle and looks wild.

“Harry! Haz?!” and then I see it hit him and he starts to breathe fast.

 

“Louis, hey Louis, look at me mate” he does with scared eyes “Harry is okay, he had a seizure, but he’s okay, we can go back in there if you want, if you’re ready, and the nurse said that he’s probably going to be waking up soon” He stares at me blankly

“Louis, Louis can you hear me?” Liam gives him a shake, and he starts to beam at me and then laugh, and then sob. I can hear his muffled “Oh my god oh my god” in Liam’s thigh, and I allow myself to look to Liam and Zayn who are both shining just as brightly back at me, we go in for a big group hug, and I am reminded yet again how much I love my boys and this family and how absolutely lucky I am to have each and every one of them.


	13. I'd Happily Drown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this was a quick little chapter because I have a final this week and a test tomorrow, and then I will be on the road for my Kansas City 1D show :DDD So thanks for reading, bear with me on the updates, and if you want to see all concert related things follow me on snapchat @jaustin95   
> or tumblr   
> sitandstareatthestars.tumblr.com

Later that evening

Louis POV

 

The doctor has called us all to the waiting room to discuss Harry’s condition, he hasn’t woken up yet and he’s had two more fits over the past two hours. The second time all I can remember is Anne holding onto me and Gemma in the waiting room and us both sobbing and clinging to her. The third time I didn’t feel anything. I think accepting the death of someone you love when it’s happening slowly is much harder than if it were to happen at once. It’s like right now I know Harry is in pain, but nothing I do can change that, right now I know that he’s slipping away, right now I know the doctor is about to tell us what we all had feared from the beginning. I’m sat between Niall and Liam, and they have both steaked a claim on my hands while Zayn has opted for sitting against my legs with a hand on my foot. They are waiting for me to break apart again, ready to catch my pieces, but they don’t realize that I haven’t been able to even slightly put myself back together since this all began, and now that it’s ending, there’s not much point in even trying now is there? I only tune back in when the doctor starts to speak and all the chatter dies down.

 

“Now I am sure you are all aware that Harry has been- struggling- today, but I think that despite the few bumps he’s making substantial progress. I know it may seem like he isn’t because of today’s events, but that’s actually the main reason for this meeting. I think that the seizures Harry is experiencing are stemming from damage sustained by both his head injury and the heat trauma. It’s very likely that they will remain even once he has fully woken up. Which we can try and control with medications and other treatment options once he has regained consciousness and his strength. Other than that he is showing very positive signs of waking up, his blood pressure has leveled it’s self out and his kidneys are continuing to get stronger, so all in all I would count today as a win”

 

What he said hasn’t sunken in, I wish I just knew what was going to happen, this anticipation is killing me.

 

“Thank you doctor that’s really wonderful” Anne breathes out, she hugs me and Gemma.

 

“Yes, we are very impressed by your son’s progress, he’s very strong and a fighter. Now everyone is fine to go back to the room, but I do need to advise you that when Harry wakes up he will likely be confused and scared, along with other complications, so it’s vital that whoever is around notifies us immediately and tries to keep him calm and relaxed.”

 

“We will do our very best, thank you so much for everything”Anne stands and hugs the doctor and Gemma follows suit.

 

The boys lean in close and grip me reassuringly and suddenly I can’t be here and I can’t breathe.

 

“Liam, Li, I, I need- I need to go, I need to get out of here, right now”

“What? Louis mate its okay, Harry is okay”

“Liam please, now , I can’t, I need some air”

The boys all get to their feel and walk close by me and lead me out to a balcony. I sink down to the ground and stare up at the sky.

I don’t know how long its been but the boys have all sat around me and Niall speaks up.

 

“Remember that campin trip we went on a few years back in those massive woods. And we were sat round the fire and talking about how we are doing life backwards.”

 

Liam says “Yeah, I said it was like we were Benjamin Button, because we got to have all this success and all that right at the beginning and then we’ll get to have a proper life with wives and kids and all that after.”

 

“Yeah, and we said we’d always be friends even after the band”

Zayn adds in “Right, and here we are, 5, 6 years later almost, I’ve gone off on me own, and you lot carried on, and here we are still just as strong.”

 

Niall responds “Can you imagine if we hadn’t stayed mates, or had let somethin stupid come between us”

 

Liam “We’d be not as well off that’s forsure, I don’t know what I’d do without you lot, crazy as you are”

 

I become aware that they have moved closer to me and are likely staring.

 

“Take a picture you lot, it’ll last longer, I’ll even sign it if you’d like” that gets a laugh out of them and I smile for the first time in almost two weeks.

 

Zayn puts a hand on my forearm. “Louis, are you okay, I mean I know things are mad right now, but Harry is probably going to wake up soon, he’s probably going to be alright, even if he has to deal with that stuff his whole life, its better than being dead”

 

“Yeah Z I know, but its like, this morning, I thought I had lost him, I knew I had lost him, I felt it, he was gone, and I fell into a hole, and I’m still trying to climb back out, because I’m not even sure if I should. What if he doesn’t make it, I can’t endure a fall like that again, it was too much, and what if he wakes up and doesn’t know me, or us, or he can’t sing. I just I’m still so scared, I don’t want to give myself too much hope”

 

Niall comes closer “I understand Lou, but you got ta have some hope, and good thoughts, you got to stay positive, Harry needs it, specially if he wakes up, he’s gon’ta need hope.”

 

I sigh, I know they are right, I know I need to be positive and hopeful, “But losing Harry will break me, it will destroy me, and maybe just maybe I’d have been able to handle it if he were suddenly ripped away, but this is like pulling off a bandaid too slow. It’s like he’s so close to dying but so close to living, In one way I’ve got him right here in my arms, but in another he’s millions of miles away and won’t ever find his way back. And it’s killing me to see him in pain, and its killing me not knowing what will happen, and I want to try and stay strong and stay alive for you lot and my family, but at this rate it’s like I’m dying right along with him, I just can’t-“

 

I’m interrupted by the door slamming open, Gemma pokes her head around the corner “Harry’s awake”

 

Everything had stilled, it was another one of those moments where time slowed down.

 

Present Day Interview

Louis Pov

 

Louis: “But you know what, I’d have to go even further and say that there was something bigger than that day.”

 

INT “What could possibly been bigger than the accident”

 

Louis: “Well it was like a week or two into things, and we still didn’t have any real idea if Harry was going to pull through, and I had given up, it was the darkest place I had ever been in.

Nothing in my life could have prepared me for it, and nothing will ever compare to it. Like you can sit and think all you want about what you would do if you were in the situation, but you will never get it right. There isn’t a way for you to imagine that magnitude of pain because you have never felt anything close to that, and even if you think you have you haven’t. Not only was I facing the possibility of losing my closest and best friend, it was then that I had admitted that I felt more than platonically towards Harry, and so now I was facing losing the love of my life. And that turns things into an entirely different playing field.

I- I can’t even describe to you the place I was in other than saying it was like I was sat at the bottom of a swimming pool, and just as I decided to kick off for the surface my trunks got stuck, and I’m there kicking as hard as I can at first, and I can see everyone on the surface panicking and trying to help, trying to reach for me, someone even jumps in and tries to pry me lose, but eventually I stop kicking, and even though the hands of everyone I loved were reaching out to me I didn’t reach back, I just started swallowing water until it didn’t burn anymore, and I lost all my will.

 

But that’s when the bigger moment came, Gemma came out onto a balcony me and the boys were on, having a chat, and she said Harry was awake. And that moment is really what’s been my most defining.

Because I think everyone knows that if he hadn’t woken up I would have been happy with drowning and never making it to the surface.

 

But he did and things would have, could have been so different if he hadn’t. I can’t even imagine, planning and attending a funeral, never knowing if he knew that I loved him, there is just, so so much that would have been different in what little time would have been left in my life, because I wouldn’t have made it, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it no matter how much I had tried.”

 

Louis POV

Balcony of Hospital

 

“Oi, Louis, Harry’s awake” Gemma repeats it.

I feel like it can’t be real. The lads jump up and pull me to my feet. I am so many things all at once, I want to run to him but I’m scared for the same reasons I had just said. What if he doesn’t remember me, what if he’s not okay. I stop dead in my tracks and realize I’m shaking.

“W-wait-t guys”

 

Liam’s by my side

 

“Lou mate come on, we need to go and be there for Harry, he’s awake, I’m sure he’s missing us, lets go”

 

“Li what if something is wrong, what if he’s hurting, what if he doesn’t know us?!”

 

“We won’t know til we get there, what if he’s heard everything, what if he’s missing you, us, what if he loves you back?!”

 

I don’t respond so he grabs my hand and pulls me down the hall

“Come on you knob”

 

We slide to a halt in front of Harry’s room and I can see Anne and Gemma inside speaking with the doctor, I can’t see Harry, I swallow.

Anne notices us and motions for us to enter the room, I grasp the cold door handle and take a deep breath.


	14. He did it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good News, I updated and have alot of time to write now  
> Bad News, I failed my calc final and class 
> 
> Song: I love you (written by Harry Styles) preformed by Alex and Sierra

Harry’s Room

Louis POV

 

I make my way into the room on shaky knees not knowing what to expect, I am first wrapped up into Anne’s arms.

“He did it Louis”

I smile “Yeah, he did, uh, is he, is he okay?”

She releases me and puts two firm hands on my arms just before my shoulders. She looks past me at the lads,

“We need to talk”.

I can hear the doctor on the other side of the curtain speaking with Harry and start to become anxious. Anne straightens herself up.

“Boys, Harry is awake, but he, he hasn’t spoken since he woke up, he knows me and knows Gemma, and remembers your names, and being in the band, but he hasn’t said a word. The doctor says that it is likely temporary, but it could take a few days before he regains his ability, his body is still re adjusting and healing. He is in a good amount of pain as you can imagine, sore and all that, but they are giving him medication right now so he should be feeling better. Things are pretty unpredictable right now, but he can see us, and hear us, so we all need to stick close by, he seems a bit out of it, and scared and anxious, so I need you lot to help me get him smiling and comfortable okay?”

 

We all nod our heads, Liam nudges me from behind

“What are you waiting for Tommo, go get your man”

A grin splits across my face, I look at Anne and Gemma, and they both smile back, even Gemma, and I make my way over to the curtain. Once I round it the doctor is on his way out, he gives me a pat on the back and a grin before exiting.

And then it’s just me and Harry.

 

I feel like I’m seeing him for the first time all over again. I feel like it’s the first time getting lost in the forest of his eyes even though I’ve only been days without them it feels like forever. I can’t contain the grin across my face when our eyes meet, he smiles, though it’s small its there.

I rush over to his bed side and gently pick up his hand, and now I can’t control the tears. I try to speak but words don’t come out, until I feel a determined squeeze on my hand, then I spill. It’s like I need to touch every part of him in case I missed some over the past two days, who am I kidding over the past five years. I run my fingers through his curls, I kiss his hand, rub his arms, embrace him in a loving half cuddle hug.

“Haz, oh my god, Harry, I, you, you’re awake, I can see your eyes, you’re here, you’re actually here with me. Do you, Harry, could you feel everything, hear everything this whole time?”

I look to his eyes and remember he can’t speak,

“Okay one for yes two for no?” He blinks,

“Okay, so remember anything?” Blink

“From the accident?” blink blink

“From here?”blink

“Do you remember what I told you” blink blink

“do you want to?” blink.

 

I sit back in the chair by the bed and pull out my phone.

“wait, before I play this, I just want to say, that if, if, it’s okay, it’s okay to say no or disagree okay?”

he looks puzzled but blinks.

I play back the recording from the first time I told Harry I loved him.

 

When it’s over I notice we both have tears streaming down our faces.

 

“Harry, I love you, and I don’t know if you feel the same, and we don’t have to try and talk about it right now because there are more important things going on, but I promise you that no matter what, even if you don’t feel the same it’s okay, and I’m still going to be here for you okay?” one blink and lots of tears.

 

I reach a hand up and wipe his eyes. He squeezes my hand hard and I squeeze right back, he knows now, and that’s what counts.

 

Its been hours now and even though Harry can’t speak his mood seems much brighter and relaxed, everyone has been in and out all day. Even after a heartfelt goodbye from Zayn as he and Perrie left to get back to her work with Little Mix, if Harry ever had any doubts that any of us loved him to the moon and back then those were erased within the first hours. And any doubts or worries about the band and the fans had been obliterated when Niall whipped out his phone to show Harry that #WeloveyouHarry had been trending since the accident worldwide.

Everything was going really smoothly, it wasn’t until later in the evening as I sat next to Harry and the other boys huddled around the bed that I noticed he was beginning to look uncomfortable. He would clench his hands occasionally and kept shutting his eyes or putting his hand over them, and his face scrunched up a few times. Finally half way through a movie he gripped my hand so hard so suddenly I whipped around and actually jerked it back. When I caught the look on his face though I quickly pulled myself together. I hit the pause on the movie drawing the other boys attention.

“Haz you alright?” blink blink

“are you in pain?” blink

“okay just take some deep breaths yeah?, Nialler will you go get the nurse?”

“Yeah mate sure thing”

Liam comes to the other side of the bed.

“Is it your body?” blink blink

“Head?” blink

“Headache?” blink , he nods and goes to turn out one of the light switches,

“Better?” blink.

 

The nurse comes along with two more.

“How are you feeling Harry?”

“He’s said it’s a headache”

“Can you rate the pain on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the worst” He blinks five times.

“Well that won’t do will it”

She walks over to his IV drips and has a look at them, “I can give you some more pain medication, but not much more, you’ve already had quite a lot today, and we don’t want to wear out your kidneys more than we need too, do you need the lights off?” blink,

“Cold rag?” blink,

“alright I’ll be right back”

 

Harry is shifting around uncomfortably in the bed,

“Want the air on love? I know you get hot when your head hurts yeah?” he blinks and gives my hand a squeeze.

 

The nurse returns and gives him the medication, we decide not to keep the movie on and instead decide to tuck in early. Liam and Niall grab opposite couches, but I stay and rub circles on his back. He’s curled up and tense so I try and ease it a bit by singing low under my breath.

 

“I fell in love with a beautiful boy And you still take my breath away When you left it was the end of my world 'Cause I never got to say... That I love you More than you think I do.”

 

It’s been about a half hour, but Harry still hasn’t relaxed at all, he starts to make small hurting noises, I stand and go to the other side of the bed and see that he is full on silent sobbing and gripping his sheets.

“H, love you okay? Your head still?”

He just continues to cry, I push the call button for the nurse and start to stroke his hair and rub his back while whispering comforting words.

She comes bustling in, “What’s up dolls? Oh no” She goes over to his chart and starts to fiddle with his IV drip, she comes back around to the bed,

“Unfortunately I can’t give him anymore pain medication, Harry, I know your head is hurting can you show me where, is it just your head?” He nods and touches all over his head.

“Does anywhere else on your body hurt?” He nods again

“Your stomach? Bit nauseous?” He shakes his head again.

“Well I can get you something for that, do you think you’ll be sick” He nods again, she reaches over and gets a sick bucket and hands it to me just in case.

“I’ll be right back with something for your stomach, Louis, keep an eye on him while I’m gone”

She exits and I crouch down by Harry,

“Is there anything I can do?” He nods,

“Okay, um, about your head?” No,

“About your stomach” Yes,

“need this?” yes,

“Want me to sit the bed up?” yes.

I sit it up and Liam stirs from the couch

“Everything okay lads?”

“Yeah mate, Harry’s just a bit ill, head still hurts”

He walks over “Sorry H” He puts a hand on his shoulder, Harry looks pale, he looks to Liam and shakes his head no.

“What’s up Haz?” He points to himself, then the bucket, then to Liam, then to his eyes, then back to the bucket.

“You want me to go out?” he shakes his head yes,

“Okay mate, hope you feel better, want me to get Niall out too?”

he shakes his head yes again.

I see that his hands are trembling and he’s become even paler. Liam goes over to Niall in the darkness of the room and drags a stumbling sleeping Niall out the door.

The nurse comes in as they leave, she comes over and sees how pale Harry is, “Think you are going to be sick love?” he shakes his head,

“Okay, I’m going to wait to give you this then don’t want you to throw it right back up” he nods.

 

It’s only a minute or so before he starts to vomit. It’s not a lot, mostly water, and dry heaving, I feel awful because he is trembling so badly and looks so pale and in so much pain, I can’t even imagine what the heaving is doing to his headache. He sits back after a bad bout of heaving and looks exhausted, and then it starts to happen just like before. One second I’m looking at his green eyes, and the next they have rolled back in his head and he’s shaking violently. Luckily the nurse is in the room this time, and I remember that the doctor said this would happen, so I don’t lose my shit. The nurse springs into action, places the bucket aside, and lowers down the bed, and I’ve stepped back and am trying to keep calm because the sounds of the alarms going off beside his bed is making me anxious. The nurse is standing close by the bed keeping a comforting hand on Harry and speaking to him.

“C-can he hear you?”

She turns to me “Oh, yes, most likely, um, do you want to.. you can come over here, um, I know it seems a bit scary, but it won’t last very long, and since this will probably be happening regularly it’s good to know how to handle it, plus getting used to it will make Harry more comfortable about it, and being there even if it’s just a soothing touch and words makes a big difference, this whole ordeal is always scary no matter how many times it happens.”

I nod and walk over to her, it’s hard, because it looks like it hurts so much,

“Does it, is he in pain?”

“It’s hard to say, he’s most likely numb, but afterword he will be rather uncomfortable, disoriented, and scared, that’s why it’s nice to have someone nearby.”

I go over, and the shaking has become less violent and is starting to slow, I place my hand on his thigh,

 

“Hey, Haz, I know this is scary, but it’s okay, it’s almost over, and I’m here, I’m right here.”

 

I continue this mantra with the nurse until his is finally still, his eyes are still shut, I want to let him sleep but the nurse explains we can’t let him do that until she checks everything out and calls in the doctor because of Harry’s current situation.

“I’m going to get him up and you can keep him up while I fetch the doctor okay?”

I nod. She leans in and gently wakes him, I can see how lead is weighing down his eye lids, and I want so badly for him to sleep.

“Hey Harry, everything is okay, you just had a seizure, but you are okay, and Louis is here, and I am going to get your doctor okay?”

 

He doesn’t respond “Just stay awake okay dear, I’ll be right back” She swiftly exits and I crouch down to Harry’s eye level. I brush back his curls from his face,

 

“Hey love, everything is okay, you did so well, I know you are tired and scared and sore, and maybe a bit confused, but you’re okay, and I’m here and I love you”

I reach out for his hand and he takes it and squeezes. His eye lids keep drooping,

“Haz, you gotta stay up, after the doctor checks you out you can sleep I promise”

Finally the doctor and nurse return.

 

“Sorry Mr. Styles but I’ve got to turn on one of these lights, Now can you follow this pen with your eyes? Good, Now blink once for yes, good, twice for no, good, squeeze your left hand into a fist, good, your right, wiggle your right toes, good, and your left, great. Now can you try to speak for me?”

 

Harry tries, he really does, but the things that come out his mouth aren’t even really words, there are hints of words, small things like “and” and “the” but nothing in an decipherable sentence. He starts to look confused, then worried and scared, I take his hand

“It’s okay love, you’ll get it soon, don’t worry”

The doctor agrees “Yes, I’m still fairly confident that the speech issues you are having are not permanent, we will start you with a speech therapist tomorrow to see if we can speed the process along, until then try not to stress it, it is very common in patients like yourself. Everything else is checking out fine, we will also see about your writing abilities in the morning, but for now, sleep, I can see you are exhausted. Have a good night”

The doctor leaves, and the nurse goes over to the IV drips, “I’m going to give you this nausea medication now incase that comes back okay?” Harry nods and starts to settle down into his sheets. The nurse soon leaves and I go and shut off the extra light. I walk over to the bed,

 

“Goodnight Haz, love you, sleep well okay? I’ll be right there if you need me”

I go to walk away but Harry grabs my hand “What is it H? You okay?”

He shakes his head and tugs on my hand, I move closer to the bed, he releases my hand scoots over and pats the empty space next to him.

“I won’t fit”

He shakes his head and pats again.

“Okay fine, you win, you sure this okay? I won’t hurt you?”

He shakes his head,

“and you want me too?”

He rolls his eyes and tugs on my hand again.

I grin wide, toe off my shoes and climb into the bed.

He rolls on his side and I rub circles on his back until his breaths even out, and soon we are fast asleep.


	15. This isn't a Chapter

So this isn't a chapter, but I just wanted to let everyone know that I went to the Kansas City show and there are lots of pics and videos on my instagram (@jaustin95) and my tumblr sitandstareatthestars.tumblr.com

enjoy!!


	16. It's about time you had that talk innit?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW I am SO sorry it took me so long to update, my life has been INSANE, I went to the Kansas City OTRA show and then came back and then DRAG ME DOWN DRAGGED ME TO THE PITS OF HELL AND IVE BEEN TRYING TO CLIMBING OUT EVER SINCE TBH, and I WON GMA ONe Direction concert tickets, and might be losing one of my jobs because of it, but like yolo?!?! xDDD I can't just pass that up so yeah anyways here's this! ENJOY

1 Month Later

Louis POV

All the bags are by the door, and I rush down the stairs and grab my car keys out the bowl. Harry’s being released today and I’ve got to pick him up and drive him to Anne’s. We decided that it would be best for him to stay with his mum for a bit before moving back in with me, he still has a few things to get mastered, I’ll be doing things with the band, and the medication for his seizures isn’t working as well as his doctor would like, and we don’t want him having any accidents, so Anne’s is best for now. I’m almost out the door when I suddenly stop, I dash back up the stairs and grab the books from their place on the night stand and trot down the hall and back to the door. I toss one into each case, double check the lock and head out. I’m actually going to be on time if I don’t hit traffic, Harry will be proud.

 

I arrive at the hospital and idle the car in the front. I stroll in and greet Mary, the receptionist and head toward the elevator. The ascension up to Harry’s room turns my gut as I get closer. This is huge, a month ago I wasn’t sure he would make it through a night, and now he’s going home. I’m nervous, worried that things won't work out, that the pressure from the fans will be too much, worried management will want him to come back before he’s ready, worried about so many things, but mostly worried that he won’t tell me when things are bothering him, worried that he won’t warn me and I’ll come home to something that only last month was a reality, except this time it would be at his own hand.

 

The bell dings and I push the thoughts to the back of my mind, I need to focus on making things as comfortable, and normal, and as safe as I can. I get to the door and knock twice before I enter, his bed is empty, so he’s probably changing, all his luggage and things are by the door ready to go. I call out “Haz, I’m here, I’ll be waiting!” I sit and take in the room that was almost the end of me and thank whoever was looking out for Harry that they did. I’m waiting patiently as Doctor Mark comes in.

“Louis! How are you? Ready for the big day?”

I chuckle and greet him with a handshake and a quick hug.

“Yeah mate, ready to get Haz home and settled”

“I’m glad you’re going to be able to get him settled in before you leave, you make him calm and comfortable and always know what to do when he gets frustrated”

I smile, “Yeah well he’s a handful, luckily I got lots of patience from helping mum raise four princesses.”

We share some more laughs , and he goes over each of the medications Harry has to take home, and numbers to set up appointments close to his mum’s house. Harry comes out and walks over with a grin, he and Doctor Mark share a tight embrace and Mark says

“I don’t like to say goodbye, but in your case, I’m glad you’re out of here, you can do this Harry, you’ve already come so far, I know you’ll go farther, so don’t give up.”

Mark walks to me next and we share a hug

“don’t worry Louis, the worst is behind him, all of you, you guys will keep him strong, it’ll be tough, but I have no doubts, if you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to call me, take care of yourself, and Harry”

“I will”

we release and we all share a final wave and goodbye, and I tell myself right then and there that Harry will be okay, I’ll make sure of it.

 

We gather up his bags and make our way out the hospital to the idling car, after everything is in we climb in, and I put the car into drive. Once we are on the road he reaches his hand over and I take it in mine

“It’s going to be okay yeah? I know it’s scary and it’s going to be an adjustment, but it’s going to be fine, and me and the lads won’t be gone for long.”

He brings my hand to his lips and gives it a kiss and a gentle squeeze, he lowers it and smiles. We settle into a comfortable silence as the drive winds on and Harry dozes off. We arrive at Anne’s after a few hours of driving and Harry hasn’t woken yet, I gather our bags and go to the door. Anne lets me in and helps with the bags

“Where’s H?”

“Sleeping, he passed out about 5 minutes into the drive and hasn’t moved since.”

She rolls her eyes and smiles,

“Go on and get the bugger, I’ve got a kettle ready, I’ll take these up” she plants a kiss on my head, and before she can get away I wrap around her tight.

“He’s gonna be okay won’t he?”

“Oh love, he will, it will just take time, he needs to heal, mentally and physically, things are never going to be the same, we just have to be patient”

“But what if he doesn’t tell us if something is wrong like before, and he- I can’t lose him- almost lose him again mum, I can’t”

“Oh Louis I know, I know, we are just going to have to keep a sharp eye, you got the books yea?”

I shake my head against her chest

“Good, I’ll be sure he at least reads it, and remind him you are too, and that it will make things easier, he’s got a therapist as well, she’s used to patients with similar trauma, I’m sure she will be able to notice if something is going on”

“Yeah, yeah you’re right, he’s going to be fine, we are all going to be fine.”

I release from her the hug and give her a smile, things are going to be fine.

I walk around to the passenger side of the car and gently open the door, Harry hasn’t stirred yet, and I take him in. My heart honest to god flutters, even though I’ve been staring at the same face for the past five years, it’s somehow different now, still familiar and welcoming but, its like when you pressure wash your house for the first time, I washed out all the things that were stopping me from loving Harry as more than a friend and now it’s like a brand new beautiful breathtaking view that I have to behold every time I have a chance. Especially since this past month proved just how precious things are and how quickly they can change.

I reach across his lap and unbuckle his seat belt and brush some hair back from where it is stuck to his face. It’s all grown out pretty long, and you can’t even notice in the back where it’s a little bit shorter from where it was cut in the hospital. He starts to stir and I’m met with his sleepy green eyes, I grin,

“Hey love, we’re here, your mum’s got a kettle waiting, you sleep good?”

He shakes his head and stretches. I extend my hand and help him out the car and we walk silently towards the house.Once we are seated around the table Anne breaks the silence first.

“Harry, love, I know this isn’t exactly what you wanted to happen, I know you want to go with the boys, but, for now it’s best, just until you get your medicine worked out, we just want you to be safe” He lets out a sigh and shakes his head

“Haz, don’t worry okay? The lads and I can hold down the fort with the band stuff, and the fans aren’t doing anything but showing love and support, everything will be fine we just want you to be one hundred percent”

He looks at me and it’s like I can see his face crack. He pushes back his chair and goes into the other room and we hear lots of shuffling. Anne says

“Lower drawer and the cup on the bookshelf dear.” Harry returns and it looks as if he’s run his hand through his hair about a million times since he left the room.

 

He sits at the table and begins to scribble, Anne and I share a look and she raises her eye brows.

“Harry, you know... you know you can try to talk, I- I know it might not come out just right, but we love you, and we aren’t going to judge you if you get some things wrong, you don’t have to be embarrassed…” I trail off as he shoves a paper my way

_Louis, I will never be one hundred percent again, and we both know that, I’m not so much embarrassed as I am frustrated, I’m so frustrated, nothing ever comes out right and I just sound stupid, and therapy isn’t helping, it hasn’t, and there is only a small chance, and then mum has to watch me constantly so I don’t hurt myself and I just want things to be normal and they never will be…._

I read it over and over and let the words sink in, I don’t know what to say because what can I even say. I can’t promise things will be okay, and I can’t invalidate his feelings because he’s right, he might not ever get his speech back. And it’s always going to be frustrating, and it’s always going to hurt

“Harry, I know everything is scary right now, and seems like it won’t get better, but we have to try and keep our hopes up”

He takes it back

_Why?_

“Because, I gave up, right when you first went into the hospital and, I thought I lost you, I didn’t know, I didn’t know how to have hope, but Liam dragged my sorry ass out of my slump and to the hospital, and I saw you and I didn’t want to have hope, I didn’t because I was scared things wouldn’t get better, but they did, so you can’t, can’t just not try, please… I got you something”

I get up from the table and bound up the stairs. I reach into the bags I packed and pull out the book and trot back down the stairs. I sit back down at the table and push the book across towards Harry

“Here, I got this, and I got one for meself too, so I could practice and read it while I’m away and stuff, it’ll make things a bit easier yeah?”

Harry looks down at the book, and I see tears start to fill his eyes, He grabs the paper

_Lou, I don’t know what to say, this is brilliant, it will be so much easier than writing, and you’ll learn it for me really? You don’t have too_

“Well it would be bloody stupid of me not too, once you come back on tour with us- I – I mean, shit, Haz um, what I mean is like you can come with us, even if this lasts awhile, or if it is you know, permanent, you’re still part of the band, um we want you to come with us, if you want, I was supposed to wait to tell you that, but yeah, and if I can do it too then we won’t have to hire a stranger.”

Harry looks really overwhelmed, I’m not sure how he’s taking anything, Anne voices “Harry, love, are you okay” He looks to her and then to me and lets out a sigh and stands and pushes away from the table and stalks up to his room, we hear a door slam.

I let out a huff “so much for that then”

“Don’t worry love, he’ll come around, this is just a lot, you know how he is, and now he’s lost his voice, and probably doesn’t like having to be confined here, he just needs some time”

“I know, I just wish, ugh I just wish things weren’t so damn difficult”

“I know, but he’s alive, he made it, even if there is some fallout from it, he’s still here yeah?”

“Yeah”

There is some silence while we both reflect on almost losing Harry before Anne hits me with another freight train.

“Have you talked to him?”

“What? About what?”

“you know what Louis”

 

It hits me, she wants to know if we’ve talked about my feelings, his feelings, us.

 

“Um, not exactly, I uh, I played him this thing yeah, of me talking to him, before he woke up, telling him how I felt, but he was still so weak then, I didn’t want him to focus on that, I wanted him to just get better, and I haven’t really brought it up since.”

“What did he do when you played it?”

“Uh he cried a bit yeah, but I think it was like a good cry, and I kissed him and he smiled at me, so I think it was good? We haven’t done much but hold hands and a few kisses here and there, but none on the lips or anything, and I mean that’s how we acted before all of this, so I’m not really sure…”

She sips her tea

“Well, I’d say its about time you had a talk, think he might need it yeah? Specially before you go”

I nod

“yeah suppose its about time, I get up and place my cup in the sink go over to her and kiss her head,

“Thank you for everything”

“Of course love, now go and make my boy feel better”

she grins and I grin back, I grab the book from its spot and head up the stairs.


	17. Not a chapter - Again- I'm sorry don't shoot

hey guys so I haven't updated because I casually (well my friend) won tickets for GMA and I had to get my GA ass all the way to NYC by Tuesday and you can read all about it, the concert, the interviews and the places I went along the way here -----> http://sitandstareatthestars.tumblr.com/post/126112149845

and check out my gma tag and all that!!

 

going to write all day tomorrow so updating then!

lots of love xx


	18. It's Louis, It's always Louis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooooo sorry, my life has been absolutely crazy this past week so I haven't been updating and this is so short but I promise more is on the way

Harry’s POV

I hear a light knock and I know it’s Louis, it’s always Louis, but I don’t want him to come in right now, and I’d yell and scream at him to go away and let me fall apart all on my own but my stupid fucking brain decided it doesn’t want to work properly anymore so everything just comes out as nonsense and I really wish it would just stop, just for one second, just long enough for me to say everything I feel instead of keeping it locked up and bouncing around in my brain.

But I don’t say anything I just keep my head buried in my arms while I lay across my bed hoping he gets the message and goes away, even though I know he won’t. I feel the bed dip and small hands come to my hair and tuck it behind my ear, then go to rest on my back slowly rubbing small circles. And I want to stay calm, I do, but everything is too much so I sob, and let out strange strangled noises I don’t recognize and I try to speak even though it’s pointless and before I know it I’m being cradled from behind and my hair is being petted and I can hear comforting words and feel deep slow breaths against my back, so I start to focus on those and his heart beat and the small and silent

“it’ll be okays, and I’m here Haz, it’s alright”

and slowly I’m breathing again and slowly I can see past the tears.

And I hear a small request “can you turn over and look at me please, please Harry?”

 

So I do, we break apart and I am face to face with a tear streaked Louis Tomlinson and it makes a stone weigh heavy in my gut because I didn’t want to hurt him, he’s done too much for me to be hurting like that and I don’t hesitate to say “Louis I’m sorry don’t cry” but it comes out as something he can’t decipher and it makes my heart start to race, but he quickly brushes a tear away, and says

“it’s okay Haz, you’ll get there, thank you for trying love, I’m okay, just wanted to talk yeah?”

 

So I breathe and shake my head yes. He rolls on his back and stares at the celling for a long time so I join him, and he doesn’t start speaking until I feel a tiny hand lace its fingers into mine, and I hold on tight.

 

“Harry, I, um, I know I said we didn’t have to talk about it right away, but now seems like it’s time, and if, if you don’t want to talk about it just tell me, its okay, I just feel like, I’m going away with the lads, and I won’t see you for a bit, and it’s important, but I need you to know, and I need you to know that it’s true even if you don’t feel the same, but I love you, I really do, and I know things are unbelievably difficult right now with everything that has happened, but it hasn’t made me love you any less than I have since the day I met you. And I just need you to know that even if you don’t want to start a relationship that I will understand and even if you don’t feel the same that’s okay too, I’m rambling, I’m sorry I just I love you and I want to be with you and I needed you to know that.”

 

Louis loves me

 

There are so many things I want to say back to Louis, I want to tell him I love him too, since always, always I’ve loved him and through everything I have loved him, but I don’t want to say it until the words can come out right, until he can hear it, so instead I turn into him and give him a cuddle and squeeze his hand and then we break apart a bit and I kiss his lips and smile. “I’m going to take that as a I love you back?” I shake my head and the grin won’t stop hurting in my cheeks, but it’s a good hurt and one I’ve waited for. He grins back and peppers my face with kisses, and it gives me a bit of hope that things will be okay, because I’ve got Louis, I’ll always have Louis.

 

Louis POV

 

Weeks fly by since I left Harry at Anne’s while the lads and I whisk away doing promo and the lot. I’ve barely had time to breathe let alone have time with Harry, but I atleast call him once or his mum on his bad days. We’ve gotten about three chapters into the sign language book that I got for him, and he’s been working well with his speech therapist and can say yes or no on most days. It’s one more day til we are back in the UK, finishing up our first leg of promo for the 4th album and things have been going great, I’ve checked in with me mum and sisters and they are alright, and I’ve sent Lotts away with Lou for a vacation to celebrate her birthday. We’re just hopping off the small stage where we did a short set for a select group of German fans when Paul grabs me by the shoulders “Louis, its Harry”

My whole world drops and I sway

“hey woah hold on Louis, just listen, don’t panic”

At this point the other lads are behind me Liam with a tight grip on my shoulder and Niall behind me.

“Anne called us, Harry’s been admitted to the hospital, they aren’t sure what is wrong, he had a fit at home, didn’t hit his head or anything but wouldn’t respond to his mum so she called”

“Paul I have to- I can’t- I can’t stay here I – I have to go-“

“I’m sorry Louis, there is another signing, but as soon as its up you can go, I’ve already booked the first ticket out of here, but you need to stay, sitting at the airport will do nothing and Liam and Niall can’t do this signing alone”

I don’t feel Liam and Niall guide me to a chair and I don’t realize anything until there is cold water being thrown on me. Then a loud whooshing sound happens and I hear

“Louis, Louis just breathe mate, everything is okay, Harry is going to be okay, you’re okay”

I start to relax as per Niall’s instructions and look up to see a lot of concerned faces surrounding me.

“I’m sorry- just- Harry, I need to- I can just- Haz”

 

The end comes out as a whimper and Niall and Liam cling tight to me

“S’alright mate, we know, just got to do this really quick, it’ll help take yer mind off it and then you can go yeah?”

 

I keep breathing and remain silent, I can do this.

 

The signing passes slower than I anticipated, and having to assure fans that Harry is home and resting and well when I know it isn’t the case doesn’t do anything to calm my nerves. As soon as Paul gives the word I’m out of my seat and across the venue in record time. There is already a car waiting for me, my phone turns on and immediately erupts in missed calls and text messages from Anne and Harry alike, there is one from my mum, two from Lottie, and one from Simon and one from Ed. I bypass all of them and opt for Harry’s first, I instantly regret it as a sick feeling overtakes my whole body.

Harry 9:34pm: Louis, I feel really weird, I haven’t felt this way in a while, I don’t want to bother mum over nothing though it’s strange

Harry 9:38pm: Okay don’t worry I think maybe I should tell her... I love you (:

Anne 9:55pm: Louis, Harry’s not well, taking him on to the A&E, will keep you posted lots of love xxx

Mummy 10:10pm: On the way to the A&E to meet with Anne and Hazza, love you xx

Ed 10:20pm: Hey mate heard about Hazza, Jordan and I sending love, keep us updated

Lottie 9:56: Just heard from mum, keep your head up, will head out from here asap if you need xx

Simon 10:00pm: Plane is waiting for you, hope all is well, and will speak soon

 

I send out replies to everyone and watch the city fly past me on the way to the plane, why hasn't anyone said anything yet, its been almost 2 hours, I grow more and more anxious, Harry can't handle another setback, it will tear him to bits. The car drops me off on the tarmac and the jet is thankfully ready to depart.


	19. If it comes to that

Louis POV

You quickly come to learn, after being there enough times, that dead silence in a hospital waiting room isn’t something you want to hear, or in this case not hear. As soon as I had gotten through the city and on to the plane I had attempted to call Anne, but her phone was off, it unsettled me but I tried to chalk it up to the cell service inside the building. The flight went by quickly and thankfully the team had cleared for a car to get me off the tarmac. I fished out my mobile and tried to reach my mum or Gemma because surely she was there by now, but theirs went straight to voicemail as well. I even called Dustin, Gemma’s husband, and his rang and rang, but nothing. And Lottie, bless her, answered though she hadn’t heard anything either, and now I my gut was really churning, and the second I entered the room and the silence hit me like a brick wall, I knew something wasn’t right.

I swallowed and surveyed the room Anne and me mum are huddled in a corner, leaned up against each other, Gemma is on the floor between them, a hand resting on Anne’s thigh its quiet, Dan isn’t around, nor Dustin, or Robin. I clear my throat and my mum and Anne stir, that’s when I notice how defeated they look, and Gemma starts to wipe under her eyes, still sniffling a bit.

“oh Louis, come here” my mum opens her arms and I drop my duffel on the floor and go to her.

She smells like home and feels warm despite everything “love you mum, miss you” “I miss you too baby, you alright?” “dunno, what’s happened? I haven’t been able to reach you”

“Sorry love, much have been the service, sit down yeah?, it’s probably best if you sit.”

 

I take the seat by Anne and I lean in to hug her, and even though she isn’t my mum and she isn’t from Donny, and I haven’t known her my whole life she brings with her a comfort of warmth and cinnamon and Harry.

“How is he?”

 

Anne clears her throat, “Well, I- um- he’s he- well he didn’t feel well- you know he came down and told me. And I had him sit and he had a temperature, said his back was hurting, had him lie down and- and- I- I only lef-ft f-f-or a second to get my mobile”

 

She’s got tears falling down her face and my mum and Gemma have got comforting hands on her trying to soothe her, but they both share similar faces and I can see Gemma’s hand trembling.

 

We are interrupted by Dustin, Robin, and Dan’s return, they’ve got food, and though I’m sure they know as well as I’ve come to realize that none of us will be able to stomach it. They place the food down and Dustin reaches down to lift Gemma off the floor and pull her into a tight embrace mumbling words into her head and kissing her Temple, Dan goes to the seat by my mother and places a strong hand on her shoulder and places a chaste kiss on her cheek. Robin kneels down and takes Anne’s hands into his and then gives her a good cuddle, in which she begins to sob.

 

My mind is racing because I still don’t know what is going on and this silence and lack of information is getting under my skin and clawing at my heart which feels as if it weighs 10 stone, my mouth as gone dry and breathing is getting to be a chore. I can feel the sharp anxious pain in my stomach and keep shifting and shifting but nothing about any of this is comfortable and this bloody hospital seat surely isn’t.

“I’m sorry Louis, this is just, I’m trying, I just I can’t I-“ I reach out for Anne’s hand,

“its okay, but um, can someone please finish telling me what’s happened, I’m just I’m so out of it, just please, mum?”

“Yeah love come on”

 

My mum stands and Dan as well, she waits for me to get up and we leave the Styles/Twist clan alone in the room. My mum and Dan lead me down a small hallway and into a stair well, they sit on the bottom steps and Dan takes her hand, and I take a seat in front of them.

 

“Mum just tell me please, this is killing me”

 

“I know love, I’m so sorry, Anne is just, she’s overwhelmed, and he’s her baby you know, anyways, she went to get her mobile, and when she got back H was having a fit on the sofa so she waited until it was over but he wouldn’t wake up or respond to her so she called an ambulance. They got him here and he had to be taken to surgery for his kidney, we don’t know what is wrong really, just that, and he’s still in surgery now.”

Dan speaks up “It sounds bad but it’s not unheard of, especially in patients that had previous damage, it’s really common in heat exhaustion victims, but only time will tell, he should be getting out of surgery soon, or we should atleast get an update.”

 

I hear the muffled sounds of my own voice say “shit” I rub my hands over my face and I can’t help the tears, everything is just so unfair and so fucking overwhelming. I stand up and start to pace, my breathing picking up

“I can’t- mum I can’t do this- I can’t lose him- I – I don’t know what – I need to go- I can’t”

 

“Louis” Dan says grabbing onto my shoulders , “Look at me, come on with your eyes look at me, calm down, this may just be something minor, you need to hold it together until we find out more yeah?”

 

I don’t mean to but it comes out as a scream “THEN WHY IS EVERYONE ACTING AS IF HE’S ALREADY GONE?! DON’T LIE TO ME I CAN HANDLE IT I JUST NEED TO KNOW, I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS IT OR NOT”

 

I sink down with my back against the brick stairwell and sob

“this isn’t fair, this isn’t fair, why is he always getting hurt, I just want him to be okay”

I feel a warmth envelop me and I know its my mum. She releases me and Dan pulls me up from the floor and they both wrap me up in between them.

 

And even though it feels like everything is falling on top of me and crushing me their closeness and comforting words keep me grounded enough to calm down, and once my breathing has evened out and there have been a million “it’s okay baby, it’ll be alright, and we love you’s” said they loosen their hold on me. My mum wipes the tears off my face and her own,

“I know this is hard baby, but we are all in this together, I love you so much, and I’m so proud of you, are you ready to go back yet? They may have gotten news”

“Yeah lets go, I’m sorry I got so upset, it’s just, you know”

“of course baby, there is nothing to be sorry for, now lets get going”

“okay, I love you both”

“we love you too”

she kisses the top of my head and we head back for the waiting room.

When we arrive back the room is empty and I begin to panic, “mum?”

“hang on love, this could be a good thing, let me go ask a nurse”

she walks away and I lean into the concrete wall and let out a long breath.

 

My hair is beyond repair at this point so I continue to run my fingers through it, though it isn’t doing much. Dan starts to speak from in front of me 

“You know Louis, I know how you are feeling, when your mum had the twins last year and they were a bit early and you know all that, I was scared to death because I already loved them so much, and I had all these plans to show them both how much I loved them for the rest of my life, but all of a sudden it was possible that I wouldn’t be able to, and I didn’t know what on earth I was going to do, I mean I know it isn’t exactly the same, but I know you love Harry, and I know you, and I know that you’ve probably got lots of plans, and I know you’re thinking right now that you don’t know what you’ll do without him, and you don’t know how you will go on. But I’ll tell you, I had the same fears, but I went in that NICU every day and made sure that Doris and Earnest heard me tell them I loved them, and I made sure to hold them whenever I could just in case, and I knew it would be hard to lose one of them, but I knew I had your mum, and the girls, and my family, and even though it would have torn me to bits to lose one of them, I knew that there was still plenty of places to spread all that love I had for them. What I’m trying to say I guess, is that, I know this is hard, and scary and uncertain and you may feel alone, but you have all of us and the boys and Harry’s family and we all love you both very much and if God forbid something happens to Harry, we will still be here to love you, and for you it won’t be easy and you will want to give up and quit, and you’ll be sad and mourn like crazy, but you will still have all that love to give to everyone else around you, and maybe someday someone else too. I know right now that seems impossible, but I hope you remember it if it comes to that.”

 

I want to say something back to this man who has come into my life only a short time ago but has already given my family so much, but I’m stuck, I can’t think of what to say, there is too much going on, so I go in and give him a hug and whisper

“thank you, for everything, really, I’m sorry I can’t say more I’m just-“

“exhausted?”

“yeah”.

We end our hug as my mum is walking back,

“well good news he’s out of surgery, we can go up and find Anne and the lot in a different waiting room, and they are waiting on the doctor to come in so let hurry shall we?”

I nod and we start off following my mum to the elevator.


	20. Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is so sad

We reach the designated room and enter, everyone is sitting and waiting. My mum goes to Anne and wraps her in a hug and they start whispering to themselves. I take a seat next to Gemma and start to tap my foot and wring my hands in my lap, the anxiousness in the air is thick. I don’t expect it, but Gemma places a hand on top of mine 

“you’re going to lose those hands if you don’t stay still”

I look up to her, it’s the first time she’s said something to me that wasn’t harsh, we haven’t been on the best terms. 

“You know, I’m glad you’re here this time” she says, it hangs in the air  
“me too, I told you, I won’t leave him again”   
“I know” 

there is a passing glance of understanding between us and she leans away and into her husband. The doctor comes in soon enough and pulls up a seat. He lets out a sigh and takes off his scrub cap 

“Well as you know Harry had to undergo surgery, we had to remove his right kidney, due to damage. I was in Acute Kidney Failure when he entered the emergency department, which is what likely caused his fit seeing as you said the medication he is on has been working. I believe this was brought on by the previous damage he suffered when he was admitted, his kidney wasn’t working properly and because they were both damaged before his left couldn’t compensate on its own. For now he is on dialysis, and depending on how his kidney responds to that will mean if he needs a transplant or not. Also I have to advise you and I’m sure you were told this before but, in a lot of patients, especially those who suffer severe damage as Harry did, don’t make it past the first year of their recovery and it is likely he will follow the same route” 

It’s not even in my control when I start violently retching onto the floor, someone shoves a trashcan in front of me but I don’t stop for what feels like ages, and I must be crying or sobbing or hyperventilating but I can’t even tell because I can’t feel my body, because nobody mentioned this to me before, does Harry even know? It must have been atleast ten minutes of this, I don’t know what’s going on around me, just that there is a paper bag around my nose and breathing is getting a bit easier even though I’m not sure if I want it too. Things start to clear up and my mum is rubbing circles on my back, and Anne and Gemma are both crying and being comforted by their partners, I turn to Anne 

“You knew? You didn’t tell me why- does he know?” 

“Louis I’m sorry” 

“does he know?” 

“No, and I don’t want him too” 

“wha- you can’t- you can’t just not- what? You have to tell him- what – what if-“ 

“Louis listen to me, and I will only make myself clear this one time, you are not to breathe a word of this to him until or if I decide, we don’t know he won’t make it, he’s having a hard enough time as it is, and I don’t want him to have this weight on his shoulders as well.” 

“he deserves to know” 

“This isn't a discussion Louis, please, respect my wishes, and think about how much this would hurt Harry” I can’t even believe any of this I’m still trying to wrap my head around it when the doctor re- enters the room with some medication 

“here this should help that headache that is sure to come soon, the nauseous feeling, and the anxiety” 

he puts a hand on my shoulder “I’m sorry, I know this is difficult, can I continue or do you need to step out?” 

“I’m okay, yeah, thanks” 

I swallow the pills and sit back almost zoning out completely into my own thoughts until he starts to speak again. 

“So as I said most patients don’t make it past the first year of recovery, especially when they have lasting damages as your son, unfortunately, has. Currently he hasn’t woken up from surgery but he should soon, and then we will keep him for the next week to observe him and see how his body copes with the loss and determine where to go from there. We can allow 2 visitors in the room until he wakes up, and if everything goes fine after that you are more than welcome to have more people in the room so long as you don’t cause a ruckus.” 

Anne dismisses him with a “thank you doctor” and the room goes quiet. Practically everyone is looking at me and it’s probably because they can hear my heart hammering so hard against my rib cage that it’s breaking into tiny pieces. I clear my throat and everyone looks away, I shift around and then stand, I need to get some air. 

I return to the waiting room to find Gemma and Dustin in a tight embrace. “where is everyone?” Gemma turns to me and walks over silently she’s crying a bit, she wraps me up into a hug 

“mum and yours are in with him, he’s awake, Dan and Robin went out to the house to get clothes and stuff, Niall called said he and the boys are en route.” I sigh, relief washes over me, at least he’s awake. 

“How long have they been in? I want to go, but not if they haven’t seen him much” 

“they should be okay if you head up, give him a kiss for me yeah” 

“yeah I will thanks Gem”. 

I turn about face and head off down the corridor towards the room. I knock and enter, its quiet, but I can hear the hum of machinery and soft voices of my mother and Anne. They are on either side of Harry and it takes all I have to not run through the tiny space to get to him. I round the curtain and again am thankfully flooded with relief as Harry is sitting up in bed, and while he looks a bit pale, he otherwise seems fine. I start to say Hi Hazza, but I stop myself and sign it instead, he lights up, dimples forming craters and I move in to hug him. He still smells like himself and is warm. I sit up and ruffle his hair a bit and give his cheek a kiss. I’m nervous about signing with him but we have been at it for almost 4 months. 

L: You feeling okay love?  
H: yeah, bit sore, missed you  
L: I missed you too, need anything?  
H: No I’m good, sorry about all this  
L: don’t be sorry darling, just happy you’re okay


	21. Boyfriends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So don't fret, the fic isn't over quite yet, alot happens in this chapter
> 
> thanks so much for this amazing amazing support !!
> 
> follow me on tumblr if you'd like sitandstareatthestars.tumblr.com

“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT SIMON I REALLY REALLY DON’T YOU CAN TAKE THIS CONTRACT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE YOU CAN TAKE ALL MY MONEY I DON’T CARE I REALLY REALLY DON’T “

“Louis you need to calm down, boys please talk some sense into him, Liam?”

“I’m sorry Simon I’m 100 percent with Louis on this one”

 

I stop in my tracks, I’ve been pacing the room for hours, I go to Liam who is standing with Niall in front of Simon’s desk arms folded. He takes me up in them and embraces me tightly and I just sigh and sob out a defeat. I turn back to Simon,

“I’m saying this for the last time, I will finish out this leg of the tour, but then I’m out, you can sue me, drag me to court, take my money, I don’t care, Harry is more important I’m going to be there for him for this and there is nothing you can do to stop me”

Niall adds in “We're with Louis on this, I’m sorry Uncle Simon, I know there are obligations, but this is too important”

Liam steers me towards the door “It’s okay Lou, we aren’t upset with you, we are with you, let’s get you home, we’ve got 2 shows left this leg only four more days, and then we will get everything sorted out”

I nod into his shoulder. I’m dropped off at my flat, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore, not since Harry has been gone, the sheets don’t smell like him anymore and the kitchen hasn’t been touched, everything is the way it was, but without him it’s empty. I head into the piano room and grab my journal.

* * *

 

 

**I want to say that things have gotten better, but they haven’t. I miss Harry and I can’t be with him for another week. When I figured out there would only be six months left I started realizing how quickly time goes by, its already been half a year since everything went to shit and it feels like two miniutes, I dread to think that is how these next six months will go, I want them to last a life time, I want us to last a lifetime, and we will, but only for Harry’s lifetime, not my own, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it, I don’t even know how he feels about it really, it’s been a week since he found out, and when his mum told him he just nodded, he understood, I think he might’ve known long before. We need to talk about it but I think we both want to push it off, focus on happy things, not think about the impending future. I quit the band today, something I never ever thought I would do, and the other boys probably hate me for it, I’m risking everyone, but I need Harry to be happy, and not alone, and not feeling like his life is ending. I know they love him and he’s important to them, but I don’t think they understand dropping their whole lives for it.**

 

 

We decide to make the announcement at our last show, the crowd is buzzing and after we close out the show the speakers play out

“attention guests, please remain in your seats for a special announcement”

After things have settled a bit and everyone is waiting, Liam, Niall, and Zayn who came for moral support, enter the stage with me.

The crowd erupts at the sight of Zayn and we all wave and go and take a seat kind of in the middle of the stage and lean against each other back to back so we are facing everyone we possibly can.

Zayn starts off

“Thank you so much for being here tonight, I know I’m not in the band anymore but these boys are still my brothers and I’m one hundred percent behind them, I have to thank you lot as fans because without you we would be nowhere in this life, we love you all so so much.”

 

The crowd is dead silent now, maybe because they can see how un-easy we are or how white my knuckles are from gripping the mic.

Niall speaks next “it’s been fantastic having all of your support over the years, I don’t think I could, or any of us could express just how much we have you all to thank for all the amazing opportunities we’ve got to have. Six years doesn’t seem like a long time on the grand scale, but these past six years have been the best of my life, and not even because of all the things I’ve done and places I’ve been, but because I’ve made the best four mates I could have ever dreamed of, and I know they will be with me until the end.”

 

Liam continues, “I know it’s repetitive but I can’t help but say it too, everyone here tonight and all of our fans who will see this, weather you just started to support us or if you’ve been round the whole time, words can’t express how grateful we are to each and every one of you, if I could I’d have you all out for tea or something because we owe all of this to you and your unwavering support.”

 

I know it’s my turn but the words just aren’t coming out they get stuck in my throat behind the enormous lump that has form as I’ve been looking out over this crowd of 71,000 people I am going to let down. I let out a small huff and the boys all put a hand on my shoulder.

 

“and now I’ve- I’ve to ask you amazing amazing people for something, I have to ask you lot to continue to support not only us as a group, but each of us individually. I have a lot to say and I know you are all going to want to scream and shout but please, just let me finish. As you all know Harry was injured about 6 months ago in Spain, and up until recently he was staying with his mum back in Holmes Chapel recovering. However, I’d, he and I, would like for him to come home, to our home, so as of tonight, after this show One Direction will be on a hiatus until further notice”

 

I pause expecting shouts but it is dead quiet still it’s a silence only seventy thousand people could make deafening.

 

“I am so sorry to all of those who haven’t seen us, but, and this was my decision, don’t let it fall back on the other lads, they simply supported me like family does, but I decided to stay off tour and stay with Harry, because he needs a lot of love and support right now. And uh, I actually, I have a message from him, for all of you”

I turn around and the big screens light up, and my face appears in Anne’s living room. I whisper

“Hi everyone!” and do a wave “Sorry, got to be a bit quiet, everyone is sleeping and Hazza and I decided to do this on a whim”

I start to walk up his stairs and open his bedroom door. I smile up at the big screen when Harry comes into view, he’s so beautiful all the time, even if it had been 3 in the morning and he had just vomited no less than an hour ago. I sit down and aim the camera toward Harry in his bed, then go around and join him under the covers. My voice carries across the stadium through the speakers.

 

“Now you all don’t know this but Hazza here lost a bit of his speech in his accident which is why he hasn’t been back yet, but he and I have been mastering sign, so I’m going to be a bit of a translator, ready H?” He nods and beams at the camera and starts off my voice following along.

“Hi everyone, I love you all so much, I’m so sorry I haven’t been around, I miss each and every one of you, things have been really hard but the lads have been helping a lot, so don’t worry. I am sorry if we have disappointed anyone, but things happen, Louis is crazy to quit the band just to keep me company, but he’s doing it for a reason I think you all will easily understand.

I pause on the screen and Harry and I look at each other, and I wonder how we ever waited so long to admit our feelings.

We both make thumbs up and put them together on the screen and I see myself turn and say “boyfriends”.

 

There is a bit of screaming before the video continues and everyone goes back to silence.

“ huh, yeah, uh Haz and I are boyfriends now, um, I know it may be a bit of a shock to some, and to a lot of you its more of a wow did you just figure this out thing, but yeah we did just figure it out, or maybe we knew all along”

Harry signs “Harry says he knew all along” I ruffle his hair.

 

“Anyways, yeah, this is a lot, and we don’t mean to drop it on you all so suddenly but things happen suddenly sometimes, we really really hope you all continue to support us, we will be back before you know it, Harry says all the love.”

We both wave to the camera and it goes black, there are a few beats of silence before the crowd erupts.

I look over and the other lads have got shiny eyes and Zayn wraps an arm around my shoulder, “you did it mate m’ so proud of you”.

Liam takes over, “You all have been a lovely crowd and we love you so much, we are going to play one last song that never made it onto the album but we wanted to share with you, and Zayn is going to join us.

”We make it through the song Liam had written almost two years ago now and the fans eat it up of course.

After the song ended we all stand at the edge of the stage Niall says

“Thank you all so much for everything”

and then another video pops up of Harry and we all together say

 

“We’ve been One Direction”

The screen goes dark and we take our final bow and the lights go out and we leave the stage side by side.


	22. THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER

Sorry guys the next chapter will be up tomorrow! but anyways I think I might run with a not so sad and awful fic next time around, so let me know what you think in the comments, the stuff below is like the beginnings of a first chapter so yeah! thanks for everything!! 

* * *

 

 

Louis Tomlinson former One Direction member turned producer is looking for a fresh face to grace the world of the music industry. Interested? You should be, after earning a net worth upwards of 23 million pounds after his five years of success with his band, the sensation decided to try his hand at producing artists and boy has he delivered. His first act and former band mate, Liam Payne, who signed with him after the band split up in late 2015 racked in around 2 million pounds per song off of his 15 track album. Not only that but it went straight to number one within hours due to the phenomenal promotion done by none other than Louis Tomlinson and his team. The mogul announced just yesterday after a charity dinner at Oxford University that he will be holding pop up auditions all over the Uk and Ireland for the next month. The locations will be secret and contestants will be put to the test by following riddles and clues to find the venue locations. For more information visit 78productionsltd.org 

 

Harry folded the paper and placed it on the empty space of booth next to him. This was his favorite place just outside of campus, he loved it for many reasons, alot more than the fact that he drew in a crowd of nearly 200+ on the weekends he performed. This place held memories, meeting his best mates, escaping from the nipping winter air, avoiding studying even though he ought to be. Coming to terms with his sexuality happened right here in this booth on a night he was almost too drunk to remember. Some blonde with nice eyes snogged him against the wall and they sloppily made their way back to Harry’s dorm, and while the details may be a tad fuzzy, its safe to say that was the night he had a realization. It is also safe to say that he returned here the very next morning to have an emergency meeting with the lads, all of whom thankfully had his back and ordered him celebratory pancakes, that’s a memory for the book for sure. It had been four years since then and this place means the world to him he lets out a sigh just as a quirky waitress with aqua hair skips over.

“Hey Haz, what’s up?”

“Nothing Pez, just trying to relax a bit before this final”

She lets out a sigh “Mad isn’t it? Four years, and in a few months you’ll be off in London being some genius psychology lawyer and I’ll just be here”

Harry chuckles a bit “don’t be silly Pez, you know that isn’t true, I’d never leave you” he says with a Shakespearean edge to his voice. She giggles and reaches across the table and nabs the paper Harry had before. 

“What’s this then? Reading about your celeb man crush?” She wiggles her eyebrows and begins to read over the article “Oh my god Harry, you’ve got to try out for this, it’s so exciting, please just give it a try?!” 

“I don’t know Pez, I mean maybe, but like I’ve got finals and my dissertation” He trails off as she rolls her eyes

“Come on Haz, are you kidding me, you know as well as I do that you’ll be a great lawyer, but you are in humanly talented at singing and not trying out would be a waste.” 

 

“I tried once before, you know that, I just, I wasn’t good enough” 

“You were 16 then Harry, things have changed, you have changed, just think about it yeah?” 

“aren’t you supposed to be serving some people or something” Harry grins at her widely. She leans in and smacks a kiss on his cheek 

“ugh gross Pezza!” 

“you love me” she sings at him while skipping away. He looks down at the paper again, and then back to his notes on ethics. Maybe it is worth a shot after all.   


	23. Make sure she knows, like really really knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the crazy erratic updating, I'm teaching this year and they released Drag Me Down and it's just alot lol 
> 
> just so everyone is in the loop, because I know my writing can be odd sometimes, anything in italics aren't spoken
> 
> and timeline, its been almost 5 months since Harrys accident, so its December in this chapter

International shock and floods of inquires come rushing in from every direction, everyone wants the scoop, everyone wants to know what’s going on, we have been held up in Anne’s house for two days now with round the clock security because the house is surrounded by fans and paps alike.

“Louis, stop pacing would you, they are coming in less than an hour to pick us up and take us to the airport mate”

“I’m sorry Liam it’s just this is bloody ridiculous, if Harry gets hurt, if someone so much as lays a hand on him I will lose it”

“I know Tommo, we won’t let anything happen to him okay? We’ve got your back, and once you’re out of here it will be fine, has he figured it out yet?”

 

I can’t help but grin, this was the plan all along, to break the news and then get out of here for atleast a month or two, I’ve had the island booked for well over a week now. Niall gets a call that security will be there in the next 10 minutes and I head up the stairs to get the rest of the luggage and to fetch Harry from his mum’s room where they are having a talk. I gently knock and hear Anne beckon me in, she looks as if she had been crying and Harry is fast asleep on her lap. I go over and card my fingers through his hair and smile. Anne’s soft voice reaches my ears and I tear my eyes away

 

“Louis, I love you both so much, thank you for doing all of this, for him, it means so much, to me and to him as well, I am so incredibly proud of you, and I know you will take care of my baby, just hurry back, be safe and call yeah?”

“Of course, I love you”

We share a side hug.

“I’ll wake him and send him down okay?”

“okay, I’ll miss you”

I give her a quick kiss on the cheek and head down to the living room that is now filled with the boys and security. We devise a plan to get everything out and loaded into the car before Harry even makes it down the stairs. When he does he comes up behind me and nuzzles in close

“Hey love” I turn around and give him a quick kiss,

“ready to go?”

He nods yes

“right, we’ve got all the bags in the car, we are all gonna head out together in a circle with you in the middle yeah?”

he furrows his brow but nods an okay anyways.

Going out the door to a car really shouldn’t be that difficult, where did all these people come from anyways? We push on and on being jostled as the people close in around us, I know Niall must be panicking but he does his best to hold up his front. Once we all collapse into the car I make sure to check on him because he looks a bit pale.

 

“Niall mate are you okay?”

“yeah yeah, it – uh- it just hasn’t been that crazy in a while you know?”

“Yeah mate that was absolutely mad”

We all start to relax and a calm settles over the car. Harry taps me and starts to ask me where the other boys are headed and where we are going because I’ve been relentless on telling him.

 

“Liam is headed to Nice with Soph, Z is going back on tour with Pez, and Niall is going to over to the states to work on writing and stuff, and uh Lotts is going with him, and Gem and Dustin are meeting us at the airport so they can head to Mexico and weeee are going somewhere, very nice”

I shoot him a wacky face.

He shoots back with a _fine, I have a surprise too but now you have to wait until we get there._ “Hazzaa” I whine, “that’s not fair” I give him a big pout and puppy eyes. He tickles my sides and we both almost fall into the floor of the car.

“knock it off guys” Liam says, he’s particularly antsy about all of this after having to quit the music, I know he loves us, but the music was a huge part of his life. Harry immediately stops and gets tense and ends up staring out the window. Some time goes by and I feel a small tapping on my wrist,

 _do they hate me now?_   _Are they angry?_

I furrow my brow and take in Harry’s face, he looks so tired and so upset at himself, _the boys?_

He says yes and looks down at his feet. None of this is an ideal situation, but Harry can’t be left feeling like this. I clear my throats,

“lads?” they all turn to me “yeah Lou?” Niall says.

 

Harry panics and grabs my arm and is shaking his head no but I shrug him off,

“lads our Hazza here thinks that you lot are angry at him and hate him for this so can you please explain how you’re feeling.”

 

Liam is the first one to turn to him and place a hand on his knee

“Harry, no, please, don’t think that, I love you mate, I’m sorry I was snappy earlier, there is just a lot going on yeah? But honestly me and Soph have needed to get away anyway”

“And I miss Pezza and me sisters” Zayn says from the back seat reaching up and placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder.

“and ya know me and Lotts got lots of catchin up ta do, and she’s got some work, it’all be good to go and support her for once stead of her followin me.” Niall beams.

 

I’m so happy Lottie has picked him, I honestly don’t think I’d approve of anyone else.

“See, we all love you, we all think this is worth it, so don’t think that way please?”

Harry is beaming again and so so happy, he signs I love you and everyone gives awkward hugs, and then he slips his palm into mine and I begin to trace over the streets of skin and name them all grand things.

 

He interrupts with a little squeeze and a thank you. I shove a thumbs up onto his cheek and he takes it down and places a soft kiss on the back of my hand. I snuggle in close and we all choose to simply exist in the car the rest of the way.

 

The airport isn’t as crowded when we arrive thankfully and we all hurry into the private waiting lounge in one piece. Harry has out his journal that his therapist recommended he use, even though he already had one, but I think he’s writing more than song lyrics these days, and I’m hoping he’s talking to someone about all this, I want to be that for him, but I haven’t, we haven’t really breached that topic just yet. Lottie and Gemma arrive together and I wrap Lottie up really tight, it’s been ages since I’ve seen her properly and aside from me mum she’s one of my best friends. As Gemma and Dustin’s flight gets called to board and she and Harry share a tearful goodbye she comes and gives me a good cuddle.

“take care of him Lou”

“I will”

We break apart and she kisses Harry one last time as they depart the lounge, our flight leaves the same time Liam and Sophia’s does and everyone else has already left.

We go to part and head separate ways, but not before Liam pulls me aside. “

Mate, I just need to tell you, I’m so so proud of you, I never imagined this is where we would be when I found you all those months ago drunk in bed, hell, I never imagined any part of this life, but it’s my life, and you are a part of it, as is Harry and the other boys, I love you so much Louis, and you know if you need me I’m a phone call away, just, don’t forget to take care of you okay?”

 

“yeah Liam thanks, I love you too, so much, take care of Soph, give her a time she won’t forget, and Li make sure she knows, make sure she really really knows.”


	24. I am a liar as you might know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys I am so so sooorrryy that it took me so long to update, uni started back and this past week has been actual hell on earth, the boys lied when they said nobody can drag me down because I feel like I am being drug to the depths of pure torture that are 18 hours of classes and 2 part time jobs and an internship and a volunteership. On the brightside I am doing alot of what I love and my refund drops soon so AMEN! 
> 
> I'm probably going to update again tonight, I feel bad only being able to write short chapters at a time, lol maybe I'll go back and mush some together one day! 
> 
> anyways as always thank you so much!  
> my tumblr sitandstareatthestars.tumblr.com 
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated
> 
> and have i mentioned im taking a creative writing class!! prep yourselves for sonnets about Harry's curls and all that shit 
> 
> xxx

 

 

                                                                 

 

 

 

We sleep for most of the plane ride, Harry gets a bit ill from the altitude, but after some meds and a good cuddle he’s sleeping soundly beside me. I don’t want to wake him, but a van is picking us up straight off the tarmac, taking us to the port so we can take the ferry to the island. Even through his groggy jet lag eyes I can tell Harry is teeming with energy and a want to explore. The ride to the port is quick and the tropical sun is already doing a great job of revitalizing me from the plane ride.

Harry gasps when he realizes we are getting on a boat, Will it be safe? Can my doctors still get to me? I don’t want you to have to go into town every time I need something, how far are we going off shore?

“Hazza, don’t worry, of course it’s safe, wouldn’t bring you here if it weren’t, I’ve got a doctor coming out, I won’t have to we’ve a housekeeper, not too far, but far enough."

I kiss his cheek and drag him onto the boat. He’s basking in the sun and looks delicious, we haven’t gotten too physical with our relationship because I’ve been gone and he’s been ill, but I think finally we will be able to explore things. The boat docks and there is another car waiting, our housekeeper Isabelle exits, and pulls us into hugs

“So nice to meet you Mr. Tomlinson and you as well Mr. Styles, I’m Isabelle.”

“S’lovely to meet you Isabelle, you can call me Louis, and that’s Harry”

She signs him a hello and I think he might get his face stuck in the huge grin that spilts across it.  
They sign back and forth a bit, and then she says

“but you can hear right”  
he says “yes”

I take over as we walk to the car and load our things

“Harry here can say a good bit of stuff, just not everything, it just gets jumbled up is all, so there will be a speech therapist coming by, but until then we learned sign because it’s easier and faster.”

“That’s really fantastic you two, the house is just up here, its really stunning, have you seen it yet?”

“I have but I’ve been keeping this one out of the loop”

I pinch Harry’s sides and he giggles and its beautiful and I must be fonding beyond comprehension because I hear Isabelle say  
“earth to Louis, we’re here”

I look away from Harry who I now realize is staring out of the window in amazement, so I start to look to and I catch my breath. It is simply beautiful.

*No longer Louis POV ... Narration*

The house is white with dark cheery wood accenting it in different places. The surface of the walls are rough and jagged, but the wood is smooth and catches reflections. The crystal blue water can be seen peeking through the trees and the air smells of salt and sounds of waves. Making their way in and beginning to take it all in Louis pauses against the door frame of the open kitchen and watches as Harry mewls and lights up and starts to poke and prod around, before finally turning to Louis with cratered dimples and rushing over to pull him into an amazingly tight hug.

“Thank you” Harry whispers and Louis smiles and feels warm and whole and like he can finally breathe.

He’s got his boy, and his boy is trying so hard for him, and it’s just them, and things are right.

 

A week in paradise can and will literally fly by. Between days in bed getting day drunk (for Louis anyways) and playing games and watching movies, to hours on the beach lapping in the rays or looking at the way Harry’s toes curl and uncurl in the sand on the bottom of the ocean floor through the surface. Harry of course has to do skype sessions with his therapist, which Louis does not get to tune into, and they have a speech therapist come and leave them with little games that will help Harry. And of course Isabelle, the saint that she is keeps things clean and stocked, and wouldn’t you know it she’s a nurse, so someone new doesn’t have to come out every three days for Harry’s dialysis. And things are good, they are so good, and even though they haven’t quite breached the subject of Harry’s recent diagnosis overall they are happy, and falling and falling into something more than love.

That is until Louis starts to notice that it stops, as the weeks go on things start to slip out of Harry like a leak that you can’t fix until it’s gushing and flooding the whole room. It was just an occasional “I can’t wait til we go back on tour huh Haz?” and Harry would look distant before saying no and signing something along the lines of if I make it. And that’s what hurts Louis the most, it’s that he knows Harry is trying to keep his faith and hopes up, but on the other hand he can see his resolve breaking, sees the tiny cracks, notices his splotchy face when he’s off the phone with his mum, lets Harry lock him out for hours after his sessions with his therapist. He does notice it he does, but other times Harry is happy and free and having the time of his life swimming with dolphins or attending a festival on the main island dancing with little girls in dresses, and watching him is mesmerizing and Louis doesn’t want to push, doesn’t want to take away Harry’s only place where he can put everything to the side and be happy. But he needs to talk to him, he needs to know what’s going on in his head, they have gotten impossibly closer than they once were before and Louis says it without hesitation, he tells Harry he loves him in a million ways besides the actual words, and Harry always signs him back, but it feels like there is a barrier that Louis just can’t get through, he just, he knows that Harry loves him and he knows he loves Harry, but Harry is keeping it a little distant, and its not that Louis doubts that Harry loves him any less or in a non-romantic way, its just that Louis thinks in between all those cracks that are etching themselves into Harry’s skin there’s pieces of him he’s locking away, he’s not letting himself love Louis like he wants too, he’s not letting Louis love sink in, and if Louis had to take a guess as to why it would be something like Harry feeling the need to protect him, even though it’s Harry who needs that the most.

It isn’t until 3 weeks into the vacation that the opportunity really arises. It’s a lazy Sunday and they’ve spent most of the day in the water, Louis kissing the salt out of Harry’s eyes and lips and everywhere. They decide to head in, and after showers and cozy clothes they settle onto the sheltered terrace that is lined with couches and a tv. They snuggle up close on the couch and let the breeze from the ocean wash over them. Louis isn’t sure when he got so hard in his soft joggers, and he’s not sure when they went from snogging to Harry palming him through his pants, but to say he’s upset about it would be a lie.

 

 

 

 

 


	25. Nobody has to know

It’s been about five minutes of ruthless hips rutting against one another and faint panting breaths bouncing off the wall before Louis finally relinquishes Harry’s lips. “Haz, I-“   
“Please” 

it comes out tiny but Louis knows it’s the green light. 

“Don’t worry love, gonna take care of you” 

Harry never thought losing his virginity would be quite like this, unable to speak or huff out his lovers name, but looking into the sea of Louis eyes as they sparkle with anticipation Harry knows this will be everything he ever wanted, and it is. 

Louis is gentle with his boy, he slowly kisses down his neck and lets out a shaky breath near Harry’s ear. He tugs at the hem of the thin cotton that hugs Harry’s shoulders, and as if in complete sync, its over his head and long forgotten.   
Louis takes his time, nibbling and kissing and licking and filling in cracks with I love you’s and mine. 

Harry is a sight underneath him all fragile and still so young, he’s not the same 16 year old that stole Louis heart in just a fraction of a second, but he’s still Louis baby, and that definitely counts for something.

He’s squirming around in anticipation and his skin has a blushing flush to it, his eyes are closed and his lips are parted and a deep red from being kissed for so long. And Louis is losing it, he mouths at Harry’s hard prick through his joggers and a tiny mewl escapes Harry’s lips. 

Louis is looking up and him and Harry is looking back and everything else doesn’t matter because nobody ever told Louis how well a jagged sapphire would look next to a soft heart shaped emerald. Nobody told him that he’d one day be swirling bits of his pieces in with someone else, never knew he’d feel so at home in the cushions of some foreign couch. 

“s’okay?” He asks tugging at the joggers. Harry still lost in Louis slowly nods, “please”. And that’s all it takes. 

Harry’s achingly hard and dribbling pre cum all over himself lost in the soft kisses trailing up his thighs and making them quake like a platonic shift occurred. And then he feels it, the heat of Louis breath at his hole that’s quenching in anticipation. 

“kay love got some lube, gonna open you up, if you need me to stop just tug my hair kay?” 

And Harry is ready, he’s so ready and he smiles down at Louis and signs him an I love you. 

Louis immediately changes his tactic, he scoots up on the sofa and lines his face up with Harry’s. Leaning forward his presses a hard kiss to Harry’s lips and breaks away with an I love you too. The he’s back pressing his lips on Harry’s hard and parting his lips with a slick tongue, and he’s slowly circling around Harry’s rim, building him up so much that when he finally does put in the first slick finger it elicits from Harry a sweet gasp in Louis own mouth and he’s lucky he doesn’t cum on the spot. 

He works his way up to three fingers slowly, kissing Harry up and down and all over and playing with his sensitive nipples and telling him how beautiful and ethereal and surreal he is, he hasn’t even hit Harry’s prostate yet, not wanting to overwhelm him all at once. 

He comes up close, “babe, I’m gonna change my angle a bit, um, if its too much just tell me, it’s gonna be amazing though, promise” Louis kisses his cheek gently and leans back a little because he wants to see Harry, wants to witness the pure bliss that is about to radiate off him like a nuke. Harry makes kissy lips once more begging for kisses and Louis obliges but then sits back again stroking a bit of Harry’s curls out of his face 

“wanna watch you love” a smirk forms on his face and Harry looks puzzled for a moment and then oh-OH. 

Louis curls his fingers up just slightly and Harry is letting out soft uhs and ohs and looks like a fucking seraph. And Louis watches the way his eyelashes flutter against his crimson cheeks and the way he can see his eyes rolling back even though he can’t see them, he takes in Harry’s chest seeming to cave in as he inhales a huge breath and watches his lips become bitten and purple. And all he can think is how, how did he get so lucky. 

“You ready for me love?” and Harry in his bliss finally comes down a little, and Louis has to admit he’s impressed by how long Harry has held off on cumming, shit, he’s surprised at himself. Harry’s eyes are wet and he blinks long and so while letting out a content breath “yeah”. 

Louis is gentle, he pulls Harry’s legs up onto his shoulders and reaches around to grab a condom, but a hand much larger than his own stops him, Harry is shaking his head no and Louis looks at him questioningly “why?” 

Harry signs "you, just you, want to feel just you."

And that’s enough for Louis as he begins to generously slick up his cock. Once he feels ready he lines himself up, he leans down one more time and gently kisses Harry’s cheek and then his lips, 

“gonna make sure you feel how much I love you baby, love you so so much” 

and then he’s sliding in, and it’s a lot, its so so much. Harry barely winces because Louis has opened him up so much, but when Louis cock hits his prostate he’s keening and bucking his hips wildly and Louis is lost somewhere in all the tight heat that is enveloping him, 

“can I move?” 

“please” 

He starts slow, in and out pulling out mewls and moans from Harry’s lips that are so soft and blissful he must be in the sky. 

“you’re so beautiful H, Love you so much, Love you, and it becomes a chant, an endless string of I love you’s and You’re perfects, and so pretty, so lovely, my love, mine mine mine. 

“want you to cum with me babe, m’close” 

Harry look at Louis like the sun, and all he can feel is blinded he doesn’t even have to nod before Louis got a small hand wrapped around his leaking prick and he’s slamming into him rhythmically now always hitting that sweet spot and Harry doesn’t think he’s ever felt more alive and raw and honest than in this moment and he lets it slip 

“Louis, I love you” 

and there is a stuttering of Louis hips and Harry’s suddenly blanked out, white filling his vision and he’s breathing so hard and he feels the weight of Louis lying on his chest but they don’t speak they just breathe and soar out their orgasms until they’ve come down enough to wiggle around so their faces are inches apart and neither of them have said anything yet because this moment is everything, is everything and nothing all at once. Gentle caresses of Harry’s cheek and soft pecks of Louis lips on his are a dream. 

And Harry doesn’t notice his tears at first, and doesn’t even register anything really until he catches up to what his brain is actually thinking, and then he realizes its landed on something rather unpleasant and he doesn’t know why he’s so bloody emotional all of a sudden, but then everything is pouring, and somehow Louis isn’t shocked, he’s not even asking what’s wrong he’s just letting him sob into his shoulder and running a soothing hand up and down his back and it feels like hours, feels like days since he started crying, but slowly he guesses he begins to atleast stop making noise, but the mountain in his throat hasn’t grown any smaller. 

Louis reaches out and wipes a tear away “there now love, s’okay, y’alright?” Harry inhales and then exhales “I love you” and Louis is the sun again bright and blinding and so so full of love, his heart is bursting really. 

“where have you been hiding that phrase at curly?” 

Harry blushes despite the tightness in his chest and giggles. 

“while now, Gem help, I- I s-s-orry” 

He goes to untangle his hands from where they were pinned between his body and Louis, but Louis stops him. 

“just- it’s okay baby, just try- go on, please” 

He gives Harry a reassuring smile and pokes on his dimples. 

“Gem helped thing the learned” 

He lets out a little huff and knits his eyebrows. 

“so Gemma helped, what a little sneak” 

“mum too” 

“you Styles’ are the worst you know that” 

Louis is grinning and pinching Harry’s cheeks and he’s smiling again “I love you too, for the record, like I really really love you” 

“know” 

Harry’s grinning and sighing contently and if Louis begs Harry to keep talking to him until he falls asleep (yes Harold, even if it makes none sense) 

and if Harry falls asleep to the quiet slow breaths Louis is letting out against his chest and the sight of his eyelashes casting shadows on his sculpted cheeks then Louis doesn’t have to know. 

And if they nap for four hours and royally fuck up their languid sleeping schedule, well, nobody has to know that either.


	26. why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know how I feel about this chapter, it was just something I had to write to explain what's coming up so yeah 
> 
> xxx

When Louis wakes up its cold, there is a lack of warm boy in his arms and a panicked Isabelle in his ear. Thing is that it’s been about another 2 weeks since Harry started saying I love you and if he’s honest Louis had other plans, like morning sex, and sex on the kitchen counter, and sex in a bed. But now he’s hearing

“Louis, wake up, wake up, does Harry have a phone, I can’t find him anywhere.”

He sits up and stretches and groans,

“he’s probably off in the Sea, or the roof, did’ya check there?”

“Yes I checked everywhere”

“what’s the rush anyways?”

 

And thing is Louis knows why there’s a bit of a rush, he’s already up and peaking in and out of rooms and looking out onto the beach even though Isabelle has already checked. Christmas had been around 2 weeks ago, three days after the first I love you came as a matter of fact, and Louis and Harry had jetted off back home and had a giant Christmas with all their friends and families. And it was good, Harry surprised everyone with his speech that was almost completely back, and all up until they climbed into the bed that night things were more than good.

But Harry had broken down crying because he would only get to enjoy his gifts for a short while longer and he doesn’t understand why anyone would buy him anything if he was just going to be gone soon. And Louis had tried to come up with some kind of comforting words, some way to reassure him without lying to him. They both knew things were getting a bit worse. So he just held him and cried too and pet his hair and rubbed his back and reminded him to breathe and pressed his love into his skin and hoped that it would stay stuck there.

And then of course there was the coming back to the island, because Harry didn’t want to stay in England, didn’t want to face anyone, so they came back. And Louis can tell, he can, he can see the way Harry sleeps more and more and is too tired to swim or go on adventures, lately they have just stayed inside because even though it’s December it’s too hot.

And as of this week Harry hasn’t been sad really, just angry, so so angry. And Louis can’t blame him, he sits on the sofa while Harry paces and screams and breaks things because he’s just so hurt he’s so angry. “I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND LOU I DON’T WHY JUST WHY ME I’LL QUIT MUSIC I’LL NEVER SPEND A CENT AGAIN I’LL GIVE IT ALL AWAY I JUST THIS ISN’T FAIR WHAT DID I DO WRONG WHAT?!” And eventually he would get tired of screaming and just sit, he wouldn’t cry he’d just sit, and he wouldn’t answer Louis. So Louis would rub his skin and pet his hair and pull him down into his lap and talk and talk and kiss and kiss. Eventually Harry’s muscles would relax and Louis would say

“bed then love?” and Harry would just nod.

So Louis scooped him up and tucked him into bed and continued to stroke his hair and try to get something out of him. That had gone on for two days, and then Harry just refused to get out of bed, just stopped, he hasn’t said a word in about three days, barely eaten, hasn’t had his sessions, won’t even kiss Louis back, he just stares at the ocean out of the balcony. So him being out of bed is obviously the bit of rush, he hasn’t eaten enough, nor done his dialysis this week, he couldn’t have made it very far, he has to be on the island because Isabelle is the only one with a boat, and she’s here and so is the boat.

“I’ll take the jeep and check around the island, you take the boat and do the same?”

 

And Louis is already headed out the door, because this isn’t like Harry, it’s not and to say he’s worried would be a bit of an understatement to say the least.

 

When he finally finds Harry off on a trail behind the house on a rock staring out over the ocean he’s relieved, but it’s short lived. He approaches him with a soft

 

“H?... You okay love?” but he gets nothing in return.

When he finally gets close enough he is smacked in the face with the smell of vodka, and the half empty bottle on the sand confirms it, and he loses it.

 

“ARE YOU FUCKIGN KIDDING ME HARRY?! IS THIS A JOKE?!!” He picks up the bottle and smashes it on a nearby rock. “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS, YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T DRINK HARRY WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I KNOW YOU ARE HURTING HARRY YOU AREN’T THE ONLY ONE! HOW DO YOU THINK I’VE FELT THE LAST FEW DAYS?! YOU WON’T EVEN LOOK AT ME! YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GONE YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE BEHIND SO MUCH HURT, ME AND YOUR MUM AND SISTER AND EVERYONE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT HARRY, NOT YOU! AND FUCK HARRY JUST FUCK IM GOING TO MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! I CAN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT WITHOUT CRYING BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BE SO FUCKING EMPTY WITHOUT YOU AND ITS GOING TO FUCKING BURN AND BURN INSIDE ME EVERYDAY AND HERE YOU ARE TRYING TO SHORTEN WHAT TIME WE HAVE LEFT BY DOING SOMETHING SO STUPID I JUST I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE YOU!”

 

He’s been pacing and screaming and kicking and hitting trees, and his knuckles are bloody and he’s breathing hard and tears are running down his cheeks because he’s mad, he’s mad at the world and at Harry and at himself for screaming and he just wants to curl into bed and things be okay. It’s a few minutes of silence, he looks over and Harry is just a blank slate with small tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Haz, I- I’m sorry- I just, why? I don’t- I’m not ready to lose you yet I can’t I just-“

“Lou, I think”

“No Harry I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, you’re important, it’s okay for you to feel that way, I’m not mad, you aren’t selfish, I just, I need you to talk to me, need you to tell me what’s going on-“

“Louis?”

"Yeah babe?”

 

“Can you take me back, m’not feeling well, and the sun, just home yeah? Please”

 

“Shit, yeah yeah, of course, fuck, can you walk okay? How much’d you drink?”

 

“m’sorry I did this Louis, m’just so, everthing, sad, and angry and, sad.”

 

“it’s okay love you have every reason to feel that way, I am too”

 

Louis kneels down in front of him and kisses his cheek, Harry pouts his lips and Louis obliges

“missed that” they are both smiling.

“Alright up you come”

 

Louis reaches his hands out and helps Harry up to his feet. He’s wobbly and needs help but they make it to the jeep, once Harry is in and strapped Louis begins driving back. When they arrive Isabelle rushes out the door,

“shhh he’s sleeping”

 

Louis walks over to Harry’s side of the car and gets him up bridal style following Isabelle inside. He lays him down in the bedroom and closes the curtains and shuts the door.

When he gets back into the living room he slumps down onto the sofa with a sigh and runs his hands over his face. Isabelle brings him a tea and rubs his back.

“Thank you Isabelle”

“Is he okay Louis?”

“I- I don’t know”

 

He tells her all that happened and he cries, and she does like anyone would and shushes him and comforts him as best she can.

 

“Situations like this are never easy Louis, and it won’t get easier, but you have to hold it together for him, even if you are hurting and even if you are lying, because he needs you.”

 

“yeah I know” Louis voice is dry and cracked despite the third cup of tea and he’s exhausted. A long silence stretches between them because Louis knows things aren't going to get easier and he doesn't know how he's going to keep it together when he's already so close to falling apart. He can't even think about it, not really anyways, because every time it even screams through  his consciousness for a second its like a million knifes have stabbed him and it takes all he has to not go weak in the knees and just fall over from utter devastation 

 

“Think I’m gonna tuck in with H, thanks for everything Isabelle, really” “not a problem at all Louis” He creaks the bedroom door open and slips in quietly toeing of his trainers and jeans. The bed is warm and Harry is so soft and warm beside him, he cuddles up into the back of Harry’s neck, curls tickling his face. “Love you H, love you so much, s’gonna be okay” He plants a soft kiss and drifts off to sleep.


	27. Burns like this won't wash away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> getting very close to the end!! xxx
> 
> also there will be an epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> getting very close to the end!! xxx
> 
> also there will be an epilogue

Int: Thanks for your time Louis we really appreciate it, enjoy your vacation!”

 

He hangs up the phone and trudges back into the house from the balcony. It’s been three days since Harry went out and drank, and he’s been so sick, and Louis is just so tired. 

“You okay Louis?” Isabelle asks as she brings him a tea. 

“No- I- I just-“ He sits on the sofa and she throws a blanket over his shoulder. 

“You should call someone dear, I’m a great listener but someone who is closer with you needs to hear this yeah?” He nods. He doesn’t know who to call. 

 

Louis has been frightened by a lot of things in his life, when he was four it was creepy costumes, when he was six it was clowns. When he was 15 it was finding out he liked dick, when he was 17 it was telling his whole family, at 18 it was the xfactor, 19 was falling in love, and a few months ago it was when Harry first got hurt, and now its all the time. He’s always afraid he is going to wake up and Harry will just be gone, just already so far gone that all Louis can do is lie in bed next to him for a few hours before he has the strength to call someone, and it’s not that he doesn’t want to be there because he does. But the thought of losing someone who has been so embedded into his bones is unbearable, and he knows with each passing day that the possibility of it happening gets closer and closer and he’s at a loss for what to do and Harry being sick has him more on edge than ever. 

 

He’s sat back just breathing slowly trying to calm his always alert nerves when he hears it. Harry’s throwing up again, so he gets to his feet and heads for the master suite. The room is pitch black, even the bathroom light is off. 

“Harry?” There is more vomiting noises from the bathroom, Louis turns on a lamp and grabs a bottle of water and heads for the bathroom. 

He opens it and the light from the bedroom leaks in and Harry lets out a sob   
“light” 

“Shit sorry Haz” 

He closes the door and its dark again. He feels his way over to Harry who is curled up on the floor. 

“Hey love c’mere” Harry scoots back so his back is to Louis and he’s in between his legs. He’s shaking and sweating and burning up. 

“Fuck babe you want me to get this shirt off you its soaked” 

“n-no, s’c-cold” 

“Babe I think we need to get you to a hospital, please” 

“m’o-oka-“ He’s retching again and Louis is holding his hair but he knows this isn’t good, this is the worst it’s been. 

“drink some water yeah?” 

Harry’s hands are shaking too much for him to hold it properly so Louis helps. Harry takes a small sip but is immediately heaving it back up. 

“Love you can’t hold down water, we have to go.” 

Harry finally sits back, he’s still trembling Louis wraps his arms around him but it doesn’t help. 

They sit for a few minutes until Harry manages a tiny “Louis” 

“yeah babe?” 

“need the bed, headache, bad bad headache, then we can go please” 

And if there is one thing that can be added to the list of things that scare him its Harry asking to go to the doctor, because he never does. 

“kay baby” He presses a kiss to Harry’s temple “lemme go shut off that light” He untangles himself from the sweaty mess that is his boyfriend and goes to the bed room. 

He shuts off the light and grabs some clean clothes. He goes back to the bathroom, 

“kay Haz ready?” there is no answer “babe?” He flicks on the light and screams. 

Harry’s still in the floor, but he can see now that Harry’s got a bit of blood on his mouth and far too much is in the toilet and it takes all of about 10 seconds before it clicks in his head and then he’s screaming. And he’s on the ground and crying, and Harry is still awake but so out of it. 

“Please Haz, hey, hey Harry, look at me hey listen it’s okay, you’re okay, I’m gonna pick you up and put you in the bed okay? Okay? Can you hear me, you can sign or blink or something, just please baby can you hear me?” 

He looks at Louis and blinks his eyes. 

Isabelle is in the doorway already 

“I’ll call for a helicopter, they will take him to the main hospital, we can go from there, I’ll grab your things, get him in the bed.” 

And the thing is, Louis trying not to panic, he’s trying to hold it together for his boy, he really is, and he knows he can’t even bother to stop the tears, but he needs to focus. He goes to scoop Harry up only to stop when Harry lets out a scream and a gasp. 

“Fuck shit I’m sorry babe, are you hurting?” 

Harry just nods, “okay okay, I’ll be really gentle this time” 

He goes again being as gentle as possible but Harry is still screaming “NO NO STOP PLEASE STOP IT HURTS LOU PLEASE” 

and Louis is full on sobbing, he’s full on lost it because this isn’t fair. 

“Shh, shh it’s okay I know I know it hurts, almost to the bed though, you’ll feel better babe I’m sorry” 

Once he’s on the bed Louis is by his side standing over him touching all over and Harry is just breathing so fast and shaking so much. 

“Harry baby, listen you have to breath you have to calm down I know it hurts but you have to breathe” His words aren’t helping. 

Louis climbs in the bed and spoons Harry with his crossing his arms over his chest. 

“its okay babe, just breathe slow, slow, breathe with me in and out I know it hurts, we are gonna go and see a doctor, you’re gonna be okay” 

through shaky and quick breaths Harry wheezes out “hurts, Lou, hurts, can’t breathe, shit, ahh” 

“I know baby, its okay, don’t talk, just focus on calming down a bit yeah?” 

He’s kissing him on every inch of skin he can get too, and Isabelle comes into the room with 2 overnight bags. 

“Okay that’s everything they are only a minute or so out, I’ll go with you to translate, you need to get your shoes and everything else, the medical records, wallets, phones, I’ll stay with him” 

Reluctantly Louis untangles himself and gets out of bed, “I’ll be quick darling” and plants a kiss on Harry’s forehead. 

He’s rushing around the house when he hears the knocking on the door, “come in!” Four large men come in with a stretcher, “bedroom, third door on the right” and they are off. 

Louis slips his shoes on and goes after them tossing everything into the bags. Isabelle is speaking quick in her native tongue and Louis joins her. They already have Harry on the gurney and they are quickly attaching needles and placing a mask over his face. Louis grabs Harry’s hand and gives it a kiss. 

“Louis, only one of us can ride with him, I’ll take the bags and use the boat and be there, just not as fast okay? I’ve told them everything and someone there can speak English so you will be find until I arrive, don’t forget your phone” 

and Louis is just so overwhelmed, he wraps her in a ferocious hug, and then he’s off following the medics out the door.

 

It’s rang three times now, and he’s about to hang up and dial again when the receiver on the other end clicks.   
“Louis?” 

“m-mummm- I- Harry-“ and he’s sobbing. He’s in the waiting room of some hospital and he’s just been waiting, they took Harry away ages ago and Louis just doesn’t know what to do. 

“what is it baby, shhh, shhh, talk to me love” 

“H-he Harr-ry got sick-k at the hosp-ital…. I’m so af-f-raid mum” 

“Okay baby, okay, stay calm okay, I know your scared and hurting, have the said anything yet do you know what’s wrong?” 

“No, I- he-e was s-s-ick a f-few days-s, drank-k because he was s-s-ad, I was-n’t there for him-m I didn’t I trie-d he- he shu-t me ou-t I l-love him so much mum, Anne- you –you have to call- I – I can’t- please” 

He’s distraught to say the least. He’s exhausted and the adrenaline is wearing down and out of his system and he’s not numb this time. 

He’s raw and it stings, it feels like he’s on fire and everyone around him is jumping to safety but he’s just here burning alive. His eyes burn and his throat burns and his nose burns and there is so much smoke and it’s choking him. And he can’t remember how to stay low so the air is cleaner and even when he himself catches fire and falls to the ground it’s not enough. Stop, drop, and roll won’t save him because flames are licking at him from every direction, and he wants out, he wants so bad for his nerve ending to return to the safety of his skin. 

He’s trying so hard, he is, and when he finally finds water he sinks into it only to find that it hurts even more than the flames, because burns like this can’t be washed away.


	28. we'll see everything We can livin' love in slow motion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, don't shoot, there is more to come and there is a happy ending I promise, I'm Putting my WARNING here because I didn't tag it because that would spoil the story, but if hospitals trigger you then don't read this. It's not graphic at all though so don't worry. It was SO SO difficult for me to write this, but I hope you enjoy it and keep reading after because I promise it is a happy ending!! 
> 
> all the love you guys xxx 
> 
> sitandstareatthestars.tumblr.com

Louis and Isabelle are in the waiting room when a doctor finally comes for them. Everyone is on their way in, Louis mum and Harry’s, Gemma, the boys but it will be hours until they arrive. Isabelle is speaking with the doctor and then turns to Louis.

“Louis we should go into another more private room”

They are led down a hall and into a very cramped private waiting area. Isabelle, the doctor, and Louis all take a seat. Isabelle begins translating

 

“Mister Tomlinson, because you are indeed listed as a contact for Mister Styles I can let you know what is going on. Harry presented with a kidney infection, that sadly, must have been going on for quite some time, on top of that and being on dialysis, and I was informed he was drinking recently. It has led to sepsis, which is an infection of the blood, and throughout the whole body, which in most cases could be treated, however given his already weakened system and his lack of one kidney, he hasn’t responded to any of the antibiotics we have given him and typically we should have seen some positive changes, but we haven’t. He’s in a great deal of pain and currently we have him asleep and relatively stable. Because his mother isn’t currently present you fall next in line to make his medical decisions. Do you have any idea when his mother will arrive?”

 

“proabably atleast another 10 hours”

 

“Well, I’m afraid we may not have that much time, um, I know this is difficult, but currently he’s not using any life sustaining equipment, however, unless he makes a complete turn around within the next hour, we will have to begin placing him on some form of it. Are you aware of his wishes?”

 

“I – I- um hold on- let me just-“

 

His hands are shaking so hard he can barely fumble in the number.

 

“Louis everything okay?”

He lets out a shaky breath and tastes salt on his lips. “Z, I- I don’t, I never even asked him-“

 

“What are you going on about Louis?”

 

“I- I need to know, the time you talked to H- What did he want, if – if you know- he was-s going to go-“

 

Louis lets out a small sob and takes in a breath he hears something break and “FUCK” through the phone,

 

“Does anyone else know”

“no”

“we are stuck at the airport FUCK”

 

“Z, I- I have to know now, doctor is waiting-“

 

“Shit shit okay, yeah, uhm he doesn’t want to stay in a coma or anything like that, so if his body is done like then let it be done you know?”

 

“Yeah, yeah,okay, fuck, okay, don’t say anything to anyone yet, I- I’ll do it”

“Louis you aren’t alone I can-“

 

“No Zayn it’s okay, it has to be me, I have to go-“

 

“love you Lou, see you soon”

Louis turns back to the doctor “He- he wants to fight til his body is done, then stop”

 

“so use life support until there is no brain activity”

“yes”

 

“Okay, is he an organ donor”

“yes”

 

“Okay, that is all we need from you right now Mister Tomlinson, you can go up and be with him in a few moments when he wakes up.”

 

The doctor puts a hand on Louis shoulder and Isabelle thanks him. Everything is a blur of tears until his hand hits the knob. And then its composure, it’s pulling what little bit is left inside your shattered soul together and putting on a brave face for the one you love because that’s what you fucking do. Louis wastes no time climbing into the bed amidst the tangle of wires and snuggling in close.

 

“Lou”

 

“hey baby, how are you feeling” He’s running a thumb down Harry’s cheek and his face is cratering into tiny dimples.

 

“mhmm not so good, really messed up didn’t I?”

“No love, this isn’t you”

“I’m sorry Lou”

“Don’t be”

“No, I am, because we never talked about this, even though I knew it would hurt you too, I knew it would, but I just I couldn’t get past what I was feeling and that’s not fair and I’m sorry”

“it’s okay H, everything’s gonna be okay”

“feel up to talking now?”

“sure love, if you’re alright”

“yeah, I’ll start, um, I’m going to die aren’t I ?”

And he's so abrupt with Louis can’t help the immediate return of tears and his voice cracks and breaks

“I-um- I don’t- I don’t kno-w there’s a chance you’re going to be just fine-“

“Louis, it’s okay, I know, I mean, this is, this is different than before, I can feel it, and it’s my fault and I am so sorry”

“Harry this isn’t your fault, you couldn’t have helped this”

“I drank Louis”

“doctor said your kidney was already infected, weren’t you feeling ill?”

“yeah a bit, but I’ve always felt rubbish lately so I just brushed it off, was angry, sad.”

Louis is playing with his hands and kisses into each of his palms

“me too”

“Are you angry with me still?”

“No love, never angry with you, just angry at the world, angry at it for hurting someone who deserves nothing but love, scared shitless about losing you.”

“I don’t want to die, I don’t, I don’t want to leave behind any hurt Lou, and I know I will and there’s no way to fix that.”

“but we won’t be hurt from you, we will be hurt from this stupid circumstance, it’s stealing away one of the most amazing and irreplaceable people in existence. Nothing could be worse”

“I don’t want to be alone, later, when it happens, but I don’t want to ask you to stay”

“M’always gonna stay Haz, you know that”

Louis pulls him in close and plants a kiss into his curls “Love you Curly” “Love you too Lou”

“Louis?”

“Yeah”

“What do you think it will be like? Do you think it will hurt?”

 

“I- I don’t know, I know if there’s a heaven that’s where you’ll go, and there will be loads of angel babies for you to tend too and bake sweets for”

Harry giggles

 

“I don’t think it will hurt baby, and if it does I’ll be here”

“Are you going to be okay Louis, after, I mean, I’m pretty much the worst boyfriend in existence.”

 

“Don’t say that Haz, you’re more than anything I could ever ask for”

“I know but we wasted so much time Lou, and this whole time I’ve been sick, and no fun, and always worrying you.”

“Harry, stop babe, look at me”

“There is no doubt in my mind that every day that passes without you in it will make me weaker, I have loved you for so long and with such a force, I never even knew at first, but I know now, and you know now, and we have to cherish what we’ve got. You have been brilliant to me by letting me love you and be with you in all the ways we have been together. Even the years we weren’t dating, those weren’t a waste, they were all part of growing up and growing in love together and I wouldn’t want that or to share those memories with anyone else on this Earth. And I know you want me to say I’ll be fine and move on, but I won’t Harry, even if you want me too, and I’m sorry for that, but I can’t, I’ll be a sodding mess for a long time, and eventually I’ll be okay on me own, but I’ll never move on”

 

“Just promise me you’ll find your happiness somewhere Lou? Don’t forget about my mum and Gem, or the boys, don’t shut them out okay?”

 

“Course love”

 

“Are you okay Harry?”

 

“ I am I think, it’s like I’m scared, yeah, but I think I’ll be okay, if there is another side, I’ll be waiting for you, always for you”

 

They are both silent and they both cry and Louis holds Harry just like that until he’s sound asleep. He goes out of the room and sinks to the floor outside the door. Louis isn’t religious, he doesn’t know what to believe anymore at all if he’s honest, but he says something small and quiet, just in case someone is listening out. The doctor comes by later with Isabelle, hours, minutes, it doesn’t really matter anymore.

“Louis?” Louis looks up, he hasn’t cried for some time now but his voice is hoarse

“yeah”

“I’m afraid we have to start implementing some extraordinary measures Harry’s counts are back, and”

He sucks in a breath “okay, um can I stay in there, he’s- he’s scared and I’m the only one here.”

“Of course”

 

They enter the room together and Louis leans over and gently wakes Harry

“Hey love, wake up”

 

Harry sleepily wakes up and blinks around and furrows his eye brows

“where am I? Louis what happened?”

 

Louis turns to the doctor alarmed Isabelle translates for them

“Hello Harry, I’m your doctor, you’re in the hospital, do you remember?” there is a bit of a pause, and then realization washes over his face

“oh, oh yeah, yeah, sorry, yeah”

“that’s perfectly okay”

“So we are here to discuss somethings with you”

“okay”

 

Louis grabs Harry’s hand and grips tight.

 

“Okay Mister Styles, we have this paper work we need you to read over and sign, Louis on your behalf informed us of your wishes so because you are conscious we have to have them verified”

“okay” He glances over the papers and signs.

 

“Your blood pressure isn’t responding to treatments, nor is your infection, I assume that Mister Tomlinson has informed you of the severity of what is going on?”

“I have”

Harry nods,

 

“Right, well, I’m here to go ahead and administer some more medication that will help your body not have to work so hard. You must be feeling exhausted”

“yeah very actually”

“well this should help, if you start to experience shortness of breath let us know immediately, and we will get it fixed.”

“okay”

“I’ll be back in a few hours to check on you”

“thanks.”

 

The doctor and Isabelle leave.

* * *

 

“Louis?”

“yeah?”

“Where’s mum and everyone?”

“On the way love, they are around 8 hours out though”

He looks uncomfortable

“Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything”

“ I need you to record some messages from me to everyone, just, ya know, I can’t just, I haven’t even seen my mum since Christmas”

 

He starts crying so Louis climbs into bed and holds tight until he’s cried it out. He shifts Harry’s face to look at him.

“Now love lets get these tears cleaned up so you can charm everyone away in these videos yeah?” Louis pokes and the dimples come

“Okay.”

 

Louis POV

 

Harry has been sleeping for around 2 hours when they come in and give him oxygen. He smiles up at me

“Louis can we talk?”

“Sure baby what’s on your mind”

“Will you think about me?”

“Of course Harry, everyday”

“Can we write a song?”

“Right now”

“yeah”

“sure baby”.

“Will you keep all my things in the room the same?”

“Yeah probably til one of our mums drags it all away, keeping the lilac sweater though”

“Don’t mess up my kitchen Louis”

“never sweetheart, not like I’ll ever be in there ever, gonna miss your breakfasts”

“I wish I didn’t have to go”

“me too”

“I wish I had more time Louis, I- I’m still scared”

“s’okay love, I am too”

“Will you wonder if I’m there sometimes?”

“Probably all the time, when I wake up and roll over I’ll expect you to be there, or when I wake up hungover and go into the kitchen ready for tea, or when I go out to the garage and see your cars, when I’m up late until the morning.”

“Louis you have to take care of yourself”

“I don’t know how babe, I’ll probably be up reading off your sodding bookshelf just so I don’t have to dream about you”

“oi dreams about me are good!”

I smile down at my boy. “Yeah babe they are” I brush some curls out of his hair.

“Find me in the dreams, maybe we will be able to communicate”

“that’d be wicked”

Harry is smiling a shiny teary smile

“gonna miss your smile love, these dimples and cheeks”

“Lou?”

“yeah?”

“I’m sorry I always pissed you off by forcing you to eat healthy”

“oh for the love of all Harold, do not start apologizing for things like that”

“they used to make you so mad”

“babe, no, plus you always made up for our fights with those bloody sticky notes all over and the letters, like a love sick puppy you were”

“heyyyy” I ruffle his curls “s’okay babycakes” and start to pepper his face with kisses until he’s giggling.

“Do you think this was all worth it Lou?”

“What’d you mean”

“everything Louis, me, was I worth all this, I- I- don’t-“

“Harry, look at me, I’d marry you right now if we had the time, you’ve always be worth it.”

“Will you always love me like this? Even after?”

I let out a huge sigh and hold Harry close and pet his hair,

“for eternity, and then some love”

We carried on like that until Hazza was back asleep on my chest.

* * *

 

*back to narration*

 

It’s been about another two hours when Harry wakes up beside Louis gasping and grabbing onto his arm pulling him from his light nap.

“Harry, baby, hey hey, its okay its okay don’t panic okay, don’t it’s okay”

A swarm of people come in and I start to get out of the bed, Harry just panics more and clings to me

“it’s okay Harry it’s okay I’ll be right here”

After the flurry subsides Harry is much more relaxed and Louis crawls back into the bed, and Harry tucks into his side and Louis runs his fingers up and down every inch of this boy that he can. He knows Harry is crying and he can hear faint

“want my mum, Gemma, love you Louis” and its breaking his heart so much

 

“they love you so much H, don’t worry, it’s okay”.

 

So he just focuses on mapping out every inch of Harry he can manage. The dips and curves in his spine, the desert of his chapped lips. The soft inches of eyelid, the bump in his nose, the curve of his arm. He gives them all names and whispers why he loves each one of them so, and more than the one before it. He snuggles in close and tries to breathe away everything except for his smell, and cling and cling to it even though it’s faded away. And he starts to think about everything that has happened the past months, all the way back to that stupid centerpiece they bought in Spain. He nudges Harry

“Hey Haz?”

“Yeah”

“do you remember that piece we bought in Spain, just before the show?”

“yeah, was nice, still have it?”

“at the flat yeah”

he giggles “keep it forever”

“yeah, got it bloody memorized you know?”

“what about me?”

“yeah I’ve got you mapped out”

“and where does my map lead”

“home”

“Love you”

“love you too.”

“Louis?”

“yeah?”

“You’ll always be my home too”

He places his hand on Louis heart and Louis wraps it up in his own.

It’s another hour of Harry sleeping and his breathing getting shallower.

Louis taken to just singing out loud and talking with him and kissing him all over and brushing his hair and holding him close and tight. He stirs a little bit here and there but not much. The doctor and Isabelle return

“Louis, how’re you holding up?” Louis just sighs out plants a kiss in Harry’s hair.

“This is then?”

“Fraid so”

“what do we do then?”

“well his blood pressure is beyond low, he doesn’t want any measures taken, so we are going to administer this for pain and then you just make him comfortable, and wait”

Louis inhales and he’s shaking, he watches the doctor give the injection and gives him a nod as he walks out the room. Louis snuggles down further right face to face with Harry.

“Hey baby can you hear me? Open your eyes just for a second?”

Harry starts to stir

“good lad”

He’s blinking slow at Louis and he’s having a hard time staying awake and breathing,

“just a minute love, then back to sleep” Louis kisses his forehead.

“There isn’t enough time for me to say everything I need to say to you Haz, but I love you so fiercely and that will never end. I know you might be scared still, but don’t be, I’m here , and I’ll be here til the end and even after if you need me. And your mum and family and the boys they love you, I know you might not be able to wait for them, but it’s okay”

 

A tear rolls down Harry’s cheek and Louis wipes it

 

“S’okay love, s’gonna be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll miss you and your curls and every single little thing I could possibly miss and then some, I wish I could have married you, but I shared so much of my life with you, and you are the most important thing in it, and always will be, even if I go on, nobody and nothing will ever replace you. So don’t be scared and know that I know how much you love me and know how much I love you, and whenever you’re ready, so am I, I love you so so so much H”

 

Harry is crying but manages a nod and snuggles down into Louis neck. Louis keeps on tracing him and memorizing everything he can, keeps on singing, keeps on holding tight, keeps on imprinting I love you’s and Miss you’s and lovely little things because just after it’s been another hour, it’s over.

 

Louis doesn’t even notice at first, to enraptured with the freckle just above Harry’s left eyebrow. But he feels it somehow, it pulls him out of his trance, and god he doesn’t want to look down and see a lack of movement, but the puffy breaths against his neck had gotten to far and few between a few minutes ago. He looks down and he knows, he knows it’s over. He grabs Harry as tight as he can

 

“I love you so much Harry, I love you, it’s okay, it’s okay, I’m missing you already, but it’s okay, I love you”

 

He holds on for a long time after, still tracing, still not wanting to let go, and even with all Harry’s streets mapped out it isn’t enough. But time doesn’t wait for anyone or anything, and it’s over.

 

The doctor comes in and disconnects this and that, Louis still holds on. He holds on until he can’t feel Harry’s warmth anymore, he holds on until his arms ache and his neck hurts. And he cries and cries, but eventually he stops. And he untangles himself and lays Harry back gently and kisses him all over one more time.

As he gets up a team of nurses come in. He’s standing by the bed holding Harry’s hand, He lets go. And they take Harry away.

 

And if Louis thought his heart had nothing left in it to break, he was wrong.

For a moment he almost chases after them and let’s himself beg and scream to bring Harry back, that this is all some huge joke the universe is playing at. But it’s not and he knows it so he walks to the waiting room and waits for everyone to show up, because what else can he do now?

 

What could he possibly do now that his home, completely mapped out with all the promise to grow bigger and brighter as time went on has suddenly been destroyed with no chance of salvaging anything from the wreckage? He wonders and thinks is he destroyed too?

 

Is there anything left to salvage?


	29. No one loves you when you have no heart

Isabelle has been sitting with him, it’s been four hours, and his phone has been ringing and ringing, signaling that people have gotten to the island. Harry’s mum is probably here, his too, maybe Gemma, one or more of the boys. He can’t move, he hasn’t moved since he sat down, he’s probably in shock, but he can’t really tell. He’s waiting for someone to come through the door and tell him Harry pulled through. 

The first person who comes through the door is Gemma and she’s there and in front of him and shaking him and asking him what’s wrong and what’s going on because nobody will tell her anything. She’s on the phone with her mum frantically explaining Louis lack of response and the hospital’s refusal to inform her on anything. Eventually she sits by his side and takes his hand, it’s shaking but Louis doesn’t even notice. 

“Louis, please, can you talk to me? What happened? I- I don’t even know what happened? Do you know if he’s okay?” 

But he can’t. He can’t say anything, what is he supposed to say to her, he hears her, he knows what she’s saying but it’s just he’s dried up. 

 

*Flashback*

“California is going through a drought you know?”   
“So why on Earth would we move there Haz?”   
“Well, it’s sunny, nice, we can walk around there, I don’t get mobbed everywhere I go, it’s really nice Lou, plus you know you look amazing tan.”   
Louis feels so so warm because even though everyone always says he’s the sun, they never question his source of light. Which is currently across from him on the couch, drunk and babbling about big dreams with wild curls falling in his face and dimples cratering his face.   
“Yeah I do don’t I” Louis smirks, sometimes drunk Harry babbles a bit too much. 

*end flashback*

He wishes now that he had just crossed the room and kissed him, started this whole thing long ago, given them more time, maybe things would have been different if he had just kissed him. 

Louis is thinking now, about droughts, and himself, and everything, and dried up is pretty accurate. His mouth is dry, but he doesn’t want to drink, doesn’t want to move. He wonders if he’ll ever be compared to the sun again. He doesn’t feel like the sun, he doesn’t feel like anything. He’s cold, and cracked and he feels defeated and bruised all over. Like if he moved he would just ache and ache more than he already is and he’s too hurt to even attempt it, so he just sits and waits because the thing about droughts is that they don’t last forever. Eventually the rain comes pouring down and it floods everything and washes over the surfaces, fills in and overflows the cracks, and drowns things. So Louis waits to drown. 

 

It’s not until Anne arrives that Louis so much as looks up from the spot on his shoes that he’s been focusing on. She and Gemma share a hug, and then she’s kneeling in front of Louis. 

“Louis? Love? Come on you have to talk to us? What’s going on? He’s gonna be okay Louis, he is.” 

And all it takes is Louis looking up and into Anne’s eyes for things to click. At first Louis thinks maybe he pulled off a straight face, that she can’t read him like an open book. But she looks all over his face, and sees the fingernail marks up and down his arm where he’d been periodically pressing and pressing trying to feel something. She doesn’t say anything, and heads toward the door. 

“Mum?” “I’ll be back Gem, stay with Louis” 

She leaves the room and things are so quiet for a few moments, and then there is a scream and sobs, and Louis knows the flood has begun, and to be honest he’s ready to drown. 

 

Things are quite fuzzy from there on out, it’s like Louis is there but he isn’t. Anne comes back in the room and Gemma drops his hand. She’s hitting at him and grabbing him 

“YOU! LOUIS YOU SWORE TO ME! YOU SAID YOU WOULD PROTECT HIM! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?! I’VE BEEN HERE FOR OVER AN HOUR?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP HIM SAFE!” 

She ends up in her mother’s arms and Louis hears it, he hears Anne saying “my baby” and he hears Gemma saying “no, no, no” over and over again as if somehow their chant will bring him back. 

The next people to come in are Liam and Sophia and it only takes Liam a second to see Louis and Anne and Gemma sobbing for him to know. He turns around and a fist goes through the wall and then he’s on his knees and Sophia’s got tears rolling down her cheeks, and a hand on Liam’s shoulder, it’s silent. 

When Niall arrives it’s with Lottie and his mum in tow. He enters and everyone is seated in chairs far apart from each other. Louis on his own, Anne and Gemma on one side, Sophia and Liam on the other, it’s only a few feet but it looks like miles. 

“Guys?” 

Anne lets out a sob and Jay goes to her, having seen the face of a broken mother after losing a baby too many times. And then Lottie takes Niall’s hand and gives it a squeeze   
“Louis?” his voice is shaking. 

And Louis looks up, he does, but he’s not seeing anything around him. He isn’t crying, he’s not shaking, it’s just, and things are still so fuzzy. 

And soon Liam is standing in front of him, in front of Niall, and he’s got a hand on Niall’s shoulder. Niall’s gone really pale, maybe he’ll fall and hit his head and we will all wake up and it will all be a dream. He doesn’t, instead Lottie moves like lightning and grabs a bin, Niall throws up for ages, Louis wonders how he could even throw up that much, and he doesn’t think he ever will again because he’s so empty. 

*Flashback*

“Lou, you’re drunk”   
“S’not that m’drunk Hazzzzzaa”  
“Oh really, then what is it?” He’s giggling at Louis, because Louis is proper smashed, and he’s just stumbled up to the hotel room, and it’s three in the morning, and all he wants is Harry.   
“Just a bit free is all Harold, just a bit free…” 

Harry gets quiet because drunk Louis always has a lot to say except he’s not saying anything right now because he’s running to the bathroom to throw up. He feels like he’s thrown up everything but more just keeps coming and he’s crying and shaking because he always does when the alcohol doesn’t sit right with him. It’s not long until broad warm hands are riding up and down his back. A cool rag is on the back of his neck and a low voice dipped in honey says 

“waters on the counter when you’re ready Lou” 

and they sit for what feels like forever. And it’s a time Louis remembers well, because when he was finally done and exhausted he had collapsed back onto Harry who had wrapped him up immediately and said “fresh clothes and bed?” and Louis swore he fell in love more. 

*END FLASHBACK*

 

And now he sits here and more and more regret keeps eating away at him, every missed opportunity, every single time he could have risked it, and he hates himself for it, but only because if he had known. If he had taken the chance all those years ago he could have done more for Harry, things could have been different. But he didn’t and even though Harry knew, Louis felt like he never got a chance to properly show him what love really was, not just love, but his love for Harry, because that was something special and entirely its own. It was wrapped up in the tiny flowers he imagined weaving into Harry’s hair, and tucked away in the bed they shared on tour, it spread across the oceans they had traveled over and went deeper than the blood in Louis veins, and now all he could do was hope that Harry had some sort of idea before he went, because all he could give him was late night skype chats that never lasted long enough while he was away with the others, and substitute sign language only they could know, and of course he held him when he cried and made sure to kiss and touch and trace in every ounce of love while he could. 

But was it enough? Every whispered I love you and I’ll miss you and you’re okay love was burned into his brain now, just words that he hoped had followed Harry off to wherever he went.   
Louis is dead, atleast that’s what he’s decided. He’s been in this room for over five hours and it feels like a casket. 

It isn’t until Zayn rushes into the door and wraps him into a fierce hug and throws around 

“I’m sorry mate, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry”. He takes Louis face into his hands and looks at him and he knows he’s too late. 

He hangs his head and hot tears run down his face, he holds Louis so close he should be suffocating, but Louis is pretty sure he stopped breathing five hours ago, and suffocating seems to be the way he’s going anyways, because at this rate he’s been starved of oxygen for far too long but he just can’t catch his breath.


	30. In my Dark Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii
> 
> Hope everyone is still reading! 
> 
> Please comment! I'd really love to get some feedback on this 
> 
> love xx

Somehow he’s back in London, back in his flat, and back in his bed. Except this stopped being his bed long ago, always opting for Harry’s because it held his scent and a subtle warmth that always put Louis at ease. Zayn is in the house somewhere opting to watch over him since nobody else really had a grasp on things, and god knows Louis has beyond lost it. He hasn’t cried, hasn’t slept, and hasn’t said a damn thing actually and nobody is sure if he ever will again. He opens the door cautiously and sneaks over to Harry’s room across the hall, he crawls in and covers up, it still smells like him even though they hadn’t been home in weeks, so he finally falls asleep. 

Zayn was tidying up, though there wasn’t much to clean, Harry and Louis left this place behind weeks ago. Everyone was handling things in their own way, Zayn particularly had been drowning himself in art, and poetry and cigarettes. He volunteered to stay with Louis because the moment Louis had called him he knew what was to come. They all knew it was coming, but the sudden call in the middle of the night wasn’t the plan. But then again none of this was in the plan, not many things had been going according to plan lately. Louis screaming should have startled him given his complete silence the past 48 hours, but it doesn’t. If there is anyone who Zayn understood it was Louis, and things with Louis didn’t really sink in until they hit rock bottom. It had been 48 hours since they left the island, 53 since it ended, and 59 since everything went to shit. Zayn knew that Louis was staying strong, putting on the brave face, he was trying, but he another thing about Louis is that he always, always failed to escape the undertow, and Zayn’s only problem with it is that now he’s not so sure if Louis wants to be saved. 

Louis was dreaming, but it felt so real. He was laughing and running up and down the deck of a boat followed by Harry’s sweet and ringing giggles. It was sunrise and the water was sure to be freezing but they were plunging in anyways, just before Louis jumped Harry grabbed at his wrist. “Together” “Always” You know they say the human body can only last around 10 minutes in water if it’s below 40 degrees. It’s ice, its needles, its drowning. Louis surfaces and waits, and waits, but Harry doesn’t come back up. So he’s swimming and calling out to him but it’s quiet. Someone from the ship is screaming you have to come out he’s gone, you won’t last down there much longer. But Louis can’t get up, always together he thinks, and this is no different. So he keeps swimming far far away from the boat. And thing is he’s hurting really badly, he can’t feel his limbs but they ache, and it’s hard to breathe, so hard to breathe, it’s like his lungs are made of Velcro and every inhale rips harder and harder. And then he sees Harry on the shore, and he’s happy, he’s running around again, there is salt in his hair making it extra curly. He’s in his favorite yellow swim trunks, there is a little house just up a ways and a little girl with blue eyes and curls plopped down right in front of it. The little boy is running through the shallow water and then he’s looking at Louis “daddy save me, papa is gonna get me” and Louis laughs and he and Harry lock eyes and smile, Harry throws a wave towards Louis beckoning him forward, so he starts to swim. But he’s been swimming a long time now and the shore is getting smaller, and suddenly he’s on the shore. But Harry is gone, he looks out over the horizon and Harry is where Louis was before, and it hits him, Harry won’t make it to the shore, so he starts running, if Harry’s going to drown it won’t be alone and it won’t be without Louis putting up a fight. But when he hits the water he’s trapped by two large me who are holding him back. “LET ME GO LET ME GO” “You can’t save him” “I CAN TRY” “He’s already gone” and Louis looks back and Harry is gone but he’s still struggling against their grasp “LET ME GO PLEASE PLEASE LET ME GO, I WANT TO GO, I CAN’T STAY HERE WITHOUT HIM” But they won’t let up and Louis is fighting and kicking and screaming. 

“LOU! LOUIS! WAKE UP LOUIS”  
He blinks awake, he’s on the floor of Harry’s bedroom, he knows because he sees his journals littered under the bed and the take out bag Louis had stuffed between the nightstand months before. And then he sees Zayn’s big brown eyes looking down at him. 

“Harry-?” Zayn closes his eyes and lets out a long sigh running his hands over his face and uncovering a frown. 

It hits just as hard every time, like a sledge hammer to the brick wall that’s replaced what was left of his heart. 

 

*Flashback*  
“Yughhh Louis you’ve left your muddy trainers in the hall again!!”  
“Sorry mum!”  
Louis jogged down the stairs and hopped over the twins diligently coloring on the floor, he wasn’t looking where he was going and forgot the wall was there, it was not kind to him.  
*End*

 

The scar is still there, it never healed properly. And now every time Louis thinks of Harry or anything about Harry and remembers he’s not there it hits him like that, it’s not a subtle hurt, it’s a sharp splintering hurt that leaves you waking up dazed and wondering what the fuck happened, only for you to remember all over again and for the pain to just return with a vengeance.  
Zayn is still staring down at him 

“C’mon Lou, let’s have a cuppa yea?” He doesn’t respond, just slips back into his shell, he’s hiding, because even though he’s yearning to drown, he’s not as prepared for the flood as he thought. 

He numbly sits at the bar across from the stove where Zayn puts on a kettle. Zayn grabs two mugs- 

“That’s Harry’s, don’t-“ He nearly drops it. The dreamboat mug gets placed gently back into the cupboard. 

 

It’s been about an hour since Louis returned to his room, Zayn is on the phone with his mum. 

“I don’t know what to do mum, he’s just, it’s like he went with him” She sighs, 

“I’m sure a piece of him did love” 

“It’s just, I want to just, snap him out of it, he hasn’t even moved unless I make him, hasn’t spoken except earlier when I almost used H’s mug, and when he wakes up screaming”  
“S’ he eating anything?”  
“Haven’t seen him do it yet” 

Zayn sigs and rubs his hands up and down his face. He’s leaning with his back against the stove. The living room is dimly lit, he sees the photos on the mantle, Harry’s stupid Jesus statue he got at the art gallery that Zayn had to drag him to in the first place. A wave of uneasiness washes over him, he finds himself expecting Harry to come fumbling through the door with Niall and a couple of 12 packs. 

“Habib Albi?”  
“Yeah mum?”  
“How are you?”  
“I-I don’t, I’m okay, yeah, just- uh, it’s hard, cuz like I knew mum, I knew it was going to happen, and I was ready, I was, but then like – it happened, and now…”  
“It’s harder than you thought?”  
“Yeah”  
“well, my love, he was your brother, losing someone like that is never easy, but you have to take care of yourself, think of Harry, if he was here, he wouldn’t want you to dwell”  
“I know mum, it’s just we’ve talked about it a million times before, about death and what happens, and where we would go, but it always seemed like such a distant thing, and now its…”  
“real?”  
“yeah”  
“Well darling, it’s happened now, all you can do is be there for Louis and be there for yourself, I’ll always be here you know?”  
“course mum”  
“Funeral is tomorrow right?”  
“2 o’clock”  
“s’he gonna be okay you think?”  
“No mum, I don’t”  
“Well, it think he’ll come out of it soon, s’probably still sinking in”  
“Still sinking in for me too”  
“call Liam love, have a chat with someone, he and Niall are the only other ones who can understand your loss equally, it was different for Louis you know?”  
“yeah, I feel bad mum, I want to help, but nothing I say helps, he’s just”  
“he’s dealing love, just let him be, try and get him something to eat though, and just be ready for anything tomorrow, he’s been holding in a lot of hurt, s’bound to flood out at some point.”  
Zayn sighs, “yeah you’re right, Love you mum, m’gonna call Liam”  
“Okay I love you Habib Albi”. 

The phone line goes dead and Zayn realizes he’s got shaky hands. He walks down the hall and knocks on Harry’s door.  
“Lou?” “Lou c’mon babe, talk to me, I- I miss you- I love you, m’here babe I am”  
There’s nothing but silence,  
“m’going out for a smoke Lou, you can come out if you want”  
He places his hand against the door and closes his eyes, this isn’t going to be easy. 

 

The crisp London air whips underneath his leather jacket. He lights up a rolled cigarette and puts the phone to his ear.  
“Is Louis okay?”  
“Hey to you too Liam”  
“Sorry Z, I just, I know he’s-“  
“yeah, he’s, he’s not good off, hasn’t left Harry’s room. Hasn’t eaten anything, nightmares”  
Liam lets out a long sigh  
“atleast he isn’t drinking himself to death this time”  
“don’t think he’s gonna have to Li, he’s, it’s like he’s already gone.”  
Liam sighs again “so tomorrow, that’s it then, how are you holding up Z?”  
“Talked with mum, I don’t know Li, I’m okay, but I feel like it’s because I keep thinking Haz is just gonna come home”  
“but he won’t… yeah me too, I keep thinking you lads are going to come crashing through and get me drunk and break things, but Harry will make it better in the morning with a home cooked breakfast”  
Zayn lets out a laugh  
“yeah, Haz had great breakfasts, how are you feeling Li?” 

“Like I lost a brother, like I don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t know what we are going to do without him Z, like is it always gonna be like this? Is there always just going to be this gaping hole, a piece missing? Because that’s what I feel like. I can barely eat, I can’t sleep because all I can think of is Anne and Gemma and Louis and Harry, and just, god Z, we got so lucky, and I love it I love that I met you and everyone and that we got to experience all of this great shit, but, god I’d give it up in a second to bring Harry back, even if I had never met him, just so he could be alive and exist because the world deserves people like him, this is so, just so stupid, and fucking unfair, and I could have prevented all of this Z I could have, all those months ago..” 

“Li no, seriously, please don’t, you couldn’t have known, you couldn’t”  
“yeah Z but what if I had, Harry wouldn’t be dead right now and Louis wouldn’t be on the verge”  
“Liam, just don’t don’t do that to yourself mate. Please don’t It’s not what Haz would want, or Louis, and it’s not good for you, his death was far far beyond any of our reaches.” 

Liam lets out a sigh, he’s crying so is Zayn, its silent until a tiny voice from the doorway says 

“tell him it’s not his fault, tell him I said don’t you dare” 

Zayn is startled when he sees a sleepless purple eyed tiny figure in the darkness of the doorway.  
“Li, I- Louis says don’t you dare feel that way”  
“I- wait- L-louis? He’s up? Talking? Is he?..”  
“I’m gonna go mate, we love you, see you tomorrow”  
“yeah yeah take care of him Z love you” 

He ends the call and turns towards the house. He walks over carefully and hold out his arms  
“Lou?” Louis looks up to him, “it’s tomorrow isn’t it?”  
He melts into Zayn’s arms  
“yeah babe, fraid so”  
Louis lets out a long sigh. Zayn holds him for a long time before he speaks again  
“I- Z, I – I can’t go” 

“what? Lou, you- you have to go, you can’t, why, why wouldn’t you go?” 

“they hate me”  
“who? Who hates you?”  
“Gemma, Anne, everyone should, everyone should hate me”  
“No Louis, no, hey, listen, nobody hates you and nobody should or does or will, why are you saying this stuff babe, you know it’s not true?”  
“I said I would protect him Zayn, and protection isn’t 6 feet under in a box” 

Zayn sucks in a breath,  
“oh Louis, come on, we, nobody thinks that, nobody feels that way”  
“I do”  
“Louis look at me” He does  
“It is NOT your fault Harry is gone, you did EVERYTHING, you could for him and you made him so fucking happy, and everyone knows that, literally everyone, please, please try to see that Lou, I can’t, I can’t lose you too, I – I – just Louis please, this is the first time you’ve spoken in two days, you haven’t cried, you haven’t eaten, I- “ 

“I’m sorry” it comes out so small and Louis has his arms covering himself and he’s curled up and is reaching and grabbing at himself trying to hold it together. And Zayn is frustrated

“God Louis NO, no just god, don’t be sorry there is nothing for you to be sorry for Louis, we are all hurt we are all sad we are all dealing, but you don’t need to be sorry because this isn’t your fault and you are dealing with it the best way you can, I’m just I’m scared, I don’t want to lose you too, and it’s like you aren’t feeling it, you aren’t letting yourself feel the loss, has it even hit you yet Louis? Do you even realize that Harry is never coming back to sleep with you in that bed?! You’ll never hear his voice again, none of us will, and there you are just ignoring it, not even letting yourself cry, and then you have the nerve to not speak or eat and hang your own life over our heads?! Liam is scared you’ll off yourself any minute, I haven’t heard from Niall at all, Anne and Gemma are in total devastation and you are just here! You have to be feeling something yeah? Don’t let him leaving take all of you with him, I can’t lose you like this, I can’t watch you become an empty shell that doesn’t feel anything and tears its self up from the inside out. Your like a ghost Louis, and this family doesn’t even have room for the one, so please just talk to me?! How are you feeling what’s going on in your head? Are you really blaming yourself for this?? Do I need to call someone, do you need to get away? I just, Louis I can’t lose you too. I can’t” 

And there are lots of times in Zayn’s life that he has said things that he’s regretted, but none more devastating than the outburst he just had, because shit had just been running through his mind for days, and really he should have confined most of that to Liam or Niall or Pez or his mum, but he didn’t he said it all to Louis, because Louis was his best friend and he needed his best friend. 

And it wouldn’t have been quite so bad if Louis hadn’t just crumpled the way he did, whispered out a shaky “I’m sorry” and turned and walked back to the bedroom. 

Zayn goes back out into the night air and screams and cries and smokes until he’s out. Tomorrow is going to hurt.


	31. Losing someone is never easy but Oh love I'm so glad I've got you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovelies!! thanks for sticking with this!!! hope you're all enjoying <3
> 
> xxx

The line goes dead and Liam lets out a heavy sigh. He’s perched on the edge of his couch and the house is dimly lit by a few lamps. He gets up and makes his way to the kitchen. There’s a bottle of whiskey his father gave him 5 years ago that didn’t really need any more aging, but he had never had an occasion that really deserved it being cracked open, he wishes he still didn’t. 

He’s on his third drink when the lights flick on. 

“Babe?” Sophia’s voice is soft and sweet. Liam has two hands palm down on the island in the kitchen facing away from her. His shoulders tense up. She walks over and runs her hands up and down his arms, and then wraps them gingerly around his waist, she peppers kisses across his back “Love you” 

He melts back into her “Love you too darling” He reaches down for her hands and turns around pulling her into him. They hug for a long time, and Sophia lets his hot tears fall onto her face and into her hair and Liam is holding her so so tight. 

“Do you wanna talk about it Li?” She leans back and takes in his face, grabs his hand and leads him to their bedroom. They are both cross legged facing each other and Liam has his head hung down, and Sophia is holding both his hands and running her delicate fingers over them. 

“Soph- I-“ he takes a deep breath “I- just- I don’t- I can’t believe tomorrow is happening- and-d I’m so so scared we are going to lose Louis, and-“ 

“Oh Li, we won’t lose Lou, he’s- he’ll be okay”

“Soph- you- you didn't see him- before, I- Is this- could I have- I could have prevented this-“ 

“Liam James, don’t you dare! Don’t say that!” She reaches up and grabs his chin, “Liam this is not your fault, it’s not, say it”   
“but-“   
“No Liam this isn’t you it isn’t”   
“It isn’t”   
“It isn’t what?”   
“S’not my fault”   
“good, and you better believe it too Li, don’t beat yourself up over that, please, you’re just manifesting your hurt baby, it’s just make it harder-“ 

He lets out a soft sob 

“I don’t want this to be real- Soph- I – this is – it’s so much, I just don’t know, I don’t- I miss him so much, I know I wasn’t with him everyday- but – like I just keep thinking we are just waiting on him to get better and then hit the road again, or that Louis is gonna call me up and say they are home and for all of us to come over for a party an-d and- that won’t- it won’t happen- never – and I just- it hurts so bad- and Louis- I don’t- Zayn says he- he’s not the same, he’s lost himself- and I want to go and help, but all I can do is sit here and be sad on my own- and I should be pushing it away, should be keeping strong for everyone, it’s- that’s my job and I just can’t-“ 

“Liam love, it’s okay, you have to deal with this, all of us are, Ni and Zayn are too, and Harry’s family and all of us, sometimes you just have to be on your own- it’s- we will all be together tomorrow- and we can invite everyone back here, so we aren’t all alone. Okay?” 

She’s brushing tears off his face now and kissing his temple. 

“okay, yeah that’ll be good yeah”   
“I’ll text everyone kay love? Why don’t you get some sleep it’s late”   
“thanks darling” He lays down and Sophia gets up and goes to fetch her phone. 

“Soph-?”   
“Yeah?”   
“I love you, so much, I just- I need you to know, I just, Sophia I love you so much okay? You know that right? And I show you right? And I- I can do more, I can I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, and I’ll marry you Sophie, I promise, I will because I love you so much”

He’s teary again, and she goes back to him and kisses him hard 

“I know baby, I know and I love you so much, and I know you love me, I know you do, and we will one day okay, but you do so so much for me so don’t think you don’t, you’re amazing, I love you okay?” “okay” they share one more kiss and Sophia leaves to text everyone and Liam falls fast asleep.

 

Lottie reaches over to the night stand and expects to be met with a large and warm body, but instead the bed is empty.   
“Ni?” Nothing, she retrieves her phone and opens the text from Sophia 

“pow wow at ours tomorrow after everyone is invited <3 love Soph xx” 

Lottie places the phone down and lets out a deep breath, a hot tear rolls down her cheek. She sits up in bed her voice is wavering “Ni? Babe?” 

she gets out of bed and makes her way into the living room, she sees his silhouette slumped down in front of the lap top and 12 empty beer bottles littering the table. 

The screen is playing back old video diaries from when the boys started all those years ago. Lottie’s breath catches in her throat when she catches sight of Harry and her brother standing in an empty arena Louis in front of Harry and he’s got his arms behind him wrapping Harry up. 

It fades to the boys all on a couch Harry in Louis lap and the boys all bundled on top of them. 

Then there is the boys at Madison Square Garden, and Lottie will never forget Harry and Louis taking her Fizzy and the twins to the giant toys r us. Or Harry squeezing his eyes shut when they stopped at the top of the Ferris wheel. 

And she’s doing a pretty good job of holding things together, she makes her way over to Niall and slumps down next to him. He takes her hand but they don’t speak as the video keeps playing. 

But she loses it when she sees her brother so young, maybe 19 in the video and Harry must have just turned 17 because it was Valentine’s Day, and Louis and Harry were in France. And it tore her apart because they were so in love, even back then when they were oblivious to each other’s feelings or too scared to say the words clearly brimming on their tongues. 

And she remembers the Christmas their families spent together and how Louis would always miss Harry so much when they were a part, most of the time opting to bring him along on vacations. 

And then there is Niall and Harry on the screen at some recent concert and Harry is strutting up to Niall as they sing along, and they both let out similar broken sobs. 

Niall squeezes her hand tight, and she squeezes back. 

The video keeps playing, and there’s Louis and Harry again with the other boys on a couch. Harry and Louis have their arms linked and Harry’s staring at Louis like he’s the sun. 

Niall pauses the video and they are quiet before he speaks 

“You know Lots, I look at you like that all tha time, even when you’re not lookin, and- I want you to know I love ya, I think you’re the most beautiful, and I know you are worried for Lou, hell think we all are at this point, and yer scared because Harry was like a brother to you just like he was ta me and the rest of the boys, but I just want ya to know I’ll try to never leave ya, and I’ll always make sure you know I think you hung the stars sometimes because you shine so brightly in my life. And I know it took a long time for me ta say that to ya, or to even admit I fancied you, but I do, I more than fancy you, I love you, and I just I want you ta know that. And I’m so sorry about Harry and Louis, but I’m gonna be here for ya love. I am” 

Lotties cheeks are soaked, she sniffles and dives into Niall’s neck, 

“Love you s-s-o m-much Ni- I lov-ve- you-u I—Just- I just want L-lou to be okay-y I – Can’t lose him t-t-o” 

“I know love I know, I’ve gotcha, mere” 

He’s holding her as tight as he can and they share an unspoken conversation for a long time. 

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me Lots”   
“You too Ni, Love you”   
“Love you too doll”

They have their foreheads pressed together and share a kiss.   
“Let’s go to bed yeah? Long day tomorrow”   
“yeah” 

He helps her to her feet and they make their way to the bed room 

“Soph and Li are having a thing at their house tomorrow, after, you know… “   
“s’good, be good to have everyone together after, think we all need it, still doesn’t feel real” 

They are in bed, pressed close 

“think it ever will Ni? Will it ever be real, will we just be okay 2 years from now? 5? 20? Will we even still hurt like this for him, because I don’t want to stop hurting for him, I don’t want to forget him” 

Niall pulls her impossibly close 

“no baby, no, we will always remember Haz, and maybe one day we won’t be so miserable, but there won’t be a day that goes by that I won’t wish I can call him, or share something with him, I wanted him to be a groomsman, I wanted to make him the godfather of my kids-“ 

“he was going to be my brother in law” 

Niall kisses her temple 

“yeah he was, but, it’s gonna be okay love, it will, lets just get through tomorrow, things will get easier” 

“I hope so, hope Louis okay” 

“he will be, might just take him a bit longer than the rest of us, don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, much less if it was how Haz went, I- don’t- I can’t- even think about it” 

She rolls over to face him and gives his cheek a kiss “Don’t worry babe I’m here” He smiles down at her 

“And I’m so so glad, Love you babe, night” 

“night”


	32. It's Harry, It's always Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also this song should be listened to while Niall's video plays 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-iovO_5Np8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well don't kill me yet 
> 
> Louis has to break at some point, and this is it
> 
> Still promise a good ending though xx
> 
> Enjoy, Kudos and Comments and all that

The alarm is blaring its 6am and Ed is rolling over his wife to hit the off button. He traces tiny kisses up her arm and neck. She lets out a small hum and smiles into him “morning love”  
“morning gorgeous”  
He trails his way down to her slowly growing bump  
“morning to you too little one”  
He lies back and they are quiet,  
“You okay babe?”  
“Yea m’alright, just, thinking, bout Haz”  
“I’m so sorry love, he was- he was so good”  
“yeah, one of my best mates” 

She reaches for Ed’s hand and places it on her stomach  
“You know he would have loved this one”  
“yeah he would’ve loved kids, his mum’s gonna be thrilled when we tell her you know”  
“hope so, what time are we supposed to get there”  
“2, so we should leave round 9 gives us an hour and a bit”  
“kay, want some breakfast then?”  
“no thanks not really hungry, tea though, thanks babe” 

Jordan leans over and pecks his cheek.  
“no problem love, just relax, I know today is gonna be hard for you, I love you”  
“Love you too” 

Ed leans up and places a kiss on her tummy and wraps her in a hug before she goes. Ed boots up his laptop and pulls up the email from Louis 

“Ed, Haz and I wrote this, it’s really fragmented, but I know you can put something together for the funeral, I’d do it but, I can’t, I really appreciate it though mate, it will mean the world to me, to him so yeah” 

Ed lets out a sigh and gets to work on the finishing touches, Jordan brings him eggs and a tea, he smiles up at her  
“thanks love”  
“I know you said you weren’t hungry but”  
“s’perfect love”  
“Almost done then?”  
“yeah think so”  
“lets have a look”  
she’s reading over the verses and Ed is humming the tune and rubbing slow across her belly.  
“how’d you treat mummy this morning?”  
“no morning sickness”  
“there’s a good lad”  
“this is lovely babe”  
“s’gonna be hard to sing though innit?” 

She places a kiss on his temple  
“yeah it is, but you can do it babe”  
He lets out a sigh and lays back on the bed and breathes deeply. Jordan closes the laptop and puts it aside and lays back with him, he rolls on his side and she runs her hand up and down his back and hums at him.  
“I love you”  
“love you too babe”  
“everything is gonna be okay yeah?”  
“Yeah, just, missing him a lot ya know, we always try to see each other, he didn’t even know that little guy was gonna be a guy, he was so excited”  
“I know love I know I’m so sorry, m’gonna miss him too, that free babysitting he offered”  
Ed lets out a laugh  
“time is it?”  
“half 8”  
“we should get ready love”  
“yeah don’t forget to print out the song”  
“won’t thanks babe”  
He bends down and kisses her stomach again  
“be good lad today Harry Matthew, Haz wouldn’t like it if you make mummy sick”  
She smiles down at him. 

Gemma hasn’t slept, and nobody could blame her, she’s gone through patches like her mum, complete silence, sobbing uncontrollably, pacing, breaking things, but mostly she’s just been lying in bed crying. Dustin is at a loss of what to do. Currently she’s sat on the edge of the bed hands shaking and staring at the walls, tears hot on her cheeks.  
“Gem, babe, its gonna be okay, you’re shaking love”  
Dustin is kneeling in front of her trying to soothe her shaking body she’s a complete mess and the fact that Dustin is able to discern  
“n-no D, It’s- it’s n-not okay-y m-my bab-b-y brother-r Ha-ar-ry-y It-s-s not-t f-f-fair why WHY?!?!” 

“Baby baby, shhh, it’s okay darling, it is, it’s going to be okay, it is, I promise love I promise, I’m so so sorry, Harry was so so good, and this wasn’t fair, it wasn’t but baby it’s going to be okay, I know its hard right now, it’s so so hard, I know love I know” 

and that’s really all he can do. He helps her get dressed and shuffles her to the car. Anne and Robin get in the car behind them, though they aren’t much better off. 

 

The church is quiet, and full. It’s the kind of quiet that makes everyone aware of the tragedy closed inside. Anne is led by Robin to the front row where from right to left, Liam, Sophia, Lottie, Niall, Lou, Lux, Perrie, Zayn, Jay, Dan, Fizzy, Daisy, Phoebe, and even Mark are sitting, Louis space is empty. 

“Where’s Lou?” 

Zayn jumps up and wraps Anne in a hug, 

“don’t worry he came with me, he just couldn’t sit still in here so he’s outside” She nods her head. 

She takes her place beside the empty one and Gemma and Dustin follow behind them. Ed and Jordan enter in and take the seats behind Anne. Ed reaches up and places a hand on her shoulder and gives it a good squeeze. He kisses her cheek. They share teary glances, and then soft music starts to filter into the grand church. Anne and Gemma are already in tears as memories fit through their minds of a small curly headed boy toddling through the pews, a few years forward to Sundays spent with Harry accompanying the choir. They opted for closed casket because none of them felt anyone could handle seeing him there. The priest goes on a long sermon and its quiet, until the large doors in the back of the church open and close. Everyone turns to see a small and red eyed Louis making his way to the front, Anne stands up and meets him halfway, they share a long hug with muffled “I’m sorry’s” from Louis and “don’t you dare, I love you so much” from Anne. When they finally release she takes his hand and leads him to his spot, Mark and Jay quickly switch places and Jay gives him a fierce kiss on the temple and takes his other hand. 

When the sermon is over Niall and Ed stand and head to the front, Niall opens up the lid half way and deposits a small Irish flag and Ed puts in what Louis knows is a copy of the lyrics. Niall turns to address the crowd, 

“Harry was a brother to me, and he always will be, so I put together a little something and Ed’s got a song, Harry and Louis wrote it and I know it’ll be beautiful. So yeah, uh here we go, oh and Anne, Gemma, Everyone, I love you all so much” 

Everyone smiles back at him as he goes to fiddle around in the back, a projector screen comes down and Ed is sat on a stool with a guitar in hand. Ed adjusts the mic, 

“um hello, everyone, I uh, Louis sent me this stuff, this beautiful stuff, and I went and turned it into something pretty nice, so hope you like it, and I hope that I do it justice Louis, Love you mate” 

He pauses and looks up, “Haz, this is for you mate, miss you like crazy” 

He takes a shot and Niall starts the video. 

 

While Ed starts playing. There are flashes of everything across the screen, Harry’s audition, all of them in the xfactor house, a night at the bungalow, interviews throughout the years, Clips of Harry from 1D day, Clips of Harry singing throughout the years, personal pictures nobody has ever seen, pictures from Brazil and New York, Pictures of him with Anne and Gemma at Christmas, a video of the year Robin adopted him, home videos, videos from the first flat they all shared, videos Louis filmed of Harry, Scans of Zayn’s sketches of Harry over the years, and the last thing that plays on the screen is their last show, where they announced the end of One Direction and Louis and Harry came out to the world, and the last thing the very end is what finally breaks Louis. It’s a video taken by Liam, they are all at the airport before going their separate ways, and everyone is still in the airport lounge. It pans around and everyone is so happy and relaxed, Louis fingers running through Harry’s curls,, Zayn and Niall and Sophia sharing a quiet conversation, and then Gemma and Lottie enter, Gemma and Harry share a long hug and you can hear the I love you’s, and then she migrates to Louis,  
“take care of him yeah?”  
“always”  
Everyone says their goodbyes and Louis and Harry turn and wave to the camera Harry’s dimples are on display and Louis looks so fond “see you soon Payno Love you!” and they turn around grab each other hand and walk away. 

Louis can’t breathe but he doesn’t say anything, he’s shaking all over, and he’s going to be sick but he can’t move. His mum and Jay are trying to comfort him, but nothing is helping. Liam goes up and speaks and it’s a blur, Zayn’s is the same, and then it’s Louis turn. 

He’s on shaky knees and can’t even really walk without stumbling, the boys immediately surround him, Zayn on his right and Liam on his left Niall directly behind him. They make it to the front and Louis places a shaking hand on the casket. His knees get weak but the boys keep him up. He leans down and presses his lips to the smooth wood. 

“can- open it Z I need-“  
“are you sure Lou?”  
“yeah please”  
“sure Lou”

Zayn edges over and lifts the top. Louis is frozen, Harry looks just as beautiful as always, he reaches out and brushes a curl out of his face and runs a hand over his cheek  
“love you Hazza” 

He turns around and Zayn closes the lid. He’s facing all these people in the audience, he knows he’s got to say something so he starts out shaky and teary. 

“Harry, he is-was- he –is my my best friend-d and-d I- I loved him- Love him- so much, I-“  
He pauses and like Ed looks up 

“Haz, I’ll never, never forget you, you were something else” He lets out a small laugh “I love you so much, and I’m miss you like crazy, and- I – I won’t I won’t forget you- and I’ll take care of your mum and Gem” 

He looks back over the crowd 

“Harry was the best friend I ever had, and he would have loved this, having everyone together, he always missed everyone so much when we were away, he loved each and every one of you so much and I- we made these videos at the hospital- yeah- uh so I’ll show them now. Thank you all for coming it means a lot.” 

He walks back and Niall shows him how to turn on the videos. 

 

A grainy Harry pops up on the screen. He’s in the hospital bed eyes still a bit red rimmed. 

“H-hi mum, Gem, I- I guess you’re watching this because I didn’t get to say goodbye.” 

He stops and lets out a small sob, Louis is in the background  
“s’okay love”  
He nods his head 

“I’m sorry mum, I’m trying to wait for you I am, but I’m really tired, I – I just want to tell you I love you so much and I miss you, and I’m sorry I didn’t come home sooner, and I just need you to know how much I love you, and Robin, take care of my mum, and Dustin you with Gem, and guys, take care of my Louis. Thank you so much for everything you’ve ever done for me. Thank you for being the best family I could have ever asked too. And you too dad, I hope you see this, I love you so much too, even after everything, I still love you so much. Gemma I know you’re a sodding mess right now and that’s okay but cheer up for me soon yeah? You’re the best sister, and the best writer, so don’t give up. Boys I love you all so much, I will never forget you, stay strong, take care of Lou, and he’ll need you, Niall you are the best friend I could have ever asked for, and Liam you’ve done so much for us mate, Z, you are so smart and so kind, and I love you so much, take care of Pez, and Sophia take care of Li, Lots, you and Ni behave.” 

He lets out a small laugh 

“I’m always going to be missing everyone, oh and Ed, I’m still betting on a little girl, anyways, miss everyone and love you so so much, see you soon!”  
he gives a little wave and the screen goes black. 

Anne and Gemma are sobbing messes. Louis comes back up front with the boys and they carry the casket, it’s a wonder how Louis is able to do it, or any of them for that matter. But they get it done, and the rest of the service passes in a blur for Louis, all he can hear is the sobbing of Anne, and Gemma and he knows he’s in tears and a complete mess because he just feels so empty and he hasn’t gotten enough air in his lungs in hours. 

 

The service has been over for hours, Louis is still sitting, except now he’s on the ground not giving a shit about his suit. He’s in front of a marble stone that is far too dull to every properly resemble anything that was Harry Styles. He’s shaking, the sun has set and two sturdy hands come to land on his shoulders. 

“Louis, it’s time to go son” It’s Mark, he sinks down to the ground next to Louis, but he’s not alone, Dan sits on his other side. His voice is cracked and dry 

“go where, everything I know is right here, I don’t know where to go anymore” 

Dan lets out a sigh and places a hand back on his shoulder. 

“S’gonna be okay Louis, but you know, you can’t stay here forever, you’ve got to move on” 

“I-I can’t D-dad” He turns to Mark, 

“I-I can’-t do t-this, I p-promis-sed him-m I would-d try but I – I didn’t know- I didn’t know how it would feel- I didn’t know it would be like this” 

Louis starts to sob and Mark takes him into his chest. 

“S’gonna be okay son” 

“No-no! it won’t it won’t” 

Dan speaks up 

“Louis, it will okay, just breathe, just relax things are going to be okay. It’s gonna be really hard but-“ and that’s when Louis loses it.

 

He really loses it, it’s like everything inside of him simultaneously breaks and shatters, and then comes spewing out of his mouth like daggers flying cutting everyone in his way. He quickly jumps from where he was sitting a new kind of energy taking over him, anger. He’s angry, he’s so so angry. 

“HOW DARE YOU HOW FOOKING DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME?!?! YOU THINK THIS IS EASY YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO BE EASY THINK IM JUST GOING TO GET OVER IT?!!?!!?!! I WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HIM I WAS AND I FUCKING DIDN’T AND NOW ANNE AND GEMMA ARE COMPLETELY LOSING IT AND ITS MY FAULT AND THE BOYS EVERYONE KNOWS IT WAS ME IT WAS ME WHO WAS THERE!!! YOU KNOW HE DIED IN MY ARMS, LITERALLY TOOK HIS LAST BREATH AND I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE AT FIRST I DIDN’T! AND NOW WHAT NOW WHAT??! WHAT DO I DO NOW?! PLEASE FUCKING INFORM ME BECAUSE I’VE GOT NO FUCKING IDEA, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO, I WANT TO GO HOME AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND BASH MY FUCKING HEAD IN ON THE STUPID CENTER PIECE HE GOT US AND I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM AND CRY BUT I PROMISED HIM I’D KEEP IT TOGETHER AND I PROMISED HIM I WOULD TAKE CARE OF HIS MUM AND SISTER AND LOOK AT ME I HAVEN’T DONE A FUCKING THING FOR THEM, I COULDN’T EVEN KEEP IT TOGETHER TODAY, OR THE DAY BEFORE, I CAN’T I TOLD HIM I WOULD TRY AND IT’S NOT WORKING IT’S NOT , I CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT HIM I CAN’T AND YOU SIT THERE AND YOU TELL ME I CAN AND THAT I’LL GET OVER IT, AND I FUCKING WON’T I WON’T, WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN THEN, DAN? DAD? PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME I’D LOVE TO KNOW I REALLY WOULD!!” “Louis, sometimes things just happen, it wasn’t your fault-“ “NO NO THAT’S SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT HARRY DIDN’T DESERVE THIS HE DIDN’T THINGS DON’T JUST HAPPEN THEY DON’T SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW WHAT BUT THIS ISN’T FAIR! IT’S NOT FAIR! HARRY WAS SO GOOD, HE WAS, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME OR ANYONE ELSE BUT NOT HARRY HE’S TOO GOOD, I KEEP WATING TO FUCKING WAKE UP AND I’M NEVER GOING TO BECAUSE THIS IS REAL ITS FUCKING REA-“ 

and as the L leaves his tongue it’s like his brain catches up and really properly processes what he just said for this first time in 3 days. Harry’s gone, it’s real, it’s really really real. Have you ever had a mate land right on your chest and it knocks the wind out of you, picture that with the weight of a thousand people all at once while also being stabbed right in the gut by a large knife, and that sort of comes close to describing how hard it hits Louis when his brain finally catches up. 

He sinks to his knees immediately and throws up and there are so many tears and he’s a mess. Dan is by his side still, and Mark too. “Louis, I know this is hard, I know it is, you know I lost my wife and daughter a few years back, I know what this is like, I loved them so fiercely Louis but you will be okay, you might even love again.” his body gives up from exhaustion and sleep and Dan and Mark carry him to a car to deliver him back to his and what used to be Harry’s flat. And through his sobs and dry heaving Louis manages 

 

“never, can’t, Harry, it’s always Harry”


	33. Who says you can't go home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter!! xxx then the epilouge! (promised a happy ending didn't I?) 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who stuck with this and read it all the way through, It really really means alot to me as a writer! I hope you all come back for the next fic I write, which I promise is all fluff and maybe some angst, but deff nothing dark! 
> 
> Lots and Lots of LOVE! xxxxx

The first week was hell. Louis got dropped back off at the flat late, and it was Niall and Lottie who had opted to stay. But Louis wanted to be alone, needed to be alone, he couldn’t stand someone checking in on him every few minutes and constantly reminding him things would get better, easier, especially when they wouldn’t. It took three days to convince them to go. 

Now he’s alone, for the first time, he’s completely alone, and he’s miserable at best. 

The first thing he does is slip to the basement and grabs four bottles of wine.

 

Bottle 1 consists of anger, boiling up and out of him so hot and furious everything is just a blur. The room that held awards and pictures of the boys and platinum and gold albums lays in ruin. Beaten and broken. “HE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE IF WE WEREN’T PREFORMING!” Louis wishes he had been more ruthless, wishes he had said “good luck winning because you’re audition was horrid” rather than an awkward "Hi, um, actually, can I have a photo, I know you’ll be famous”.

 

Bottle two consisted of tears, and tearing through the flat. Everywhere he went there was Harry, Love Actually on the DVD shelf, a tiny pan just for pancakes in the kitchen, the yoga mat rolled up by the patio door, the pink toothbrush. Louis ended up in the worst place he could, Harry’s bedroom. He remembered the journals hidden under the bed, he grabbed one at random from the farthest back he could reach. Curling into the sheets he flipped to a random page dated three years previous. 

“New York is HUGE, Love the people here, and the vibe. I’ve never been here before but I want to come back already. Louis and I went all around doing loads of things. We saw the Statue of Liberty, Times Square, Penn Station, went for a bit of shopping, had amazing diner food, Louis snorted strawberry shake out his nose at one point. Things are going so well… I mean we made it to America didn’t we, so crazy I’m only 18, things are going so fast. Sometimes I wish that we could just go home and buy a small house and live by the bakery. Louis was at the top of the Empire State building right at sunset with me, and I stared at him more than the view, I wish… I wish things could be different, but I can’t complain because this is just so much, more than I’d ever dreamed of, I’ll do anything to keep Louis, and the boys in my life, for the rest of it. It’s just, all I wanted to do was spin him around and kiss him hard against the glass.”

In the margins there are sketches and random words, some underlined “escape from the city and follow the sun” 

Louis let out a sob, and another, and another as he thumbed through page after page 

“Lou looked amazing today”   
“I love Louis voice”   
“I wish I could go back”  
“Probably doesn’t even think about it”  
"I miss Gems"   
“Probably never crossed his mind”   
“Louis belongs in a French museum with the sculptures of the gods”   
“Louis loves poutine”   
“Louis prefers New York to LA”   
"Louis is just so clearly my missing puzzle piece"

It went on and on, journal after journal, page after page, and the thing that upset Louis the most was that he remembered. Every single entry he remembered thinking the same thing  
He remembered their first time ever in New York, he and Harry had gotten a hotel room in the middle of Manhattan, the view was spectacular, Louis even remembered Harry writing in the journal he was holding to his chest. 

“Haz, come on, the boys are waiting down stairs”   
“just a second Lou”   
“what’re you doing anyway?”   
“Writing” 

Louis plopped down on the bed and creeped up until his nose and eyes were brimming over the top of the journal   
“Louuu”   
“Fine fine, hurry up though” 

Louis rolled off the bed and Harry smacked his bum lightly   
“cheeky” 

Harry’s grin blazed back at him. They went out with the boys and ended up drunk and stumbling back into the room around 3 am. Snuggled and tucked into bed Louis was just about to drift to sleep when a warm hand brushed his fringe back, and soft warm lips danced on his forehead, “Love you Lou”. He felt Harry lay down and drifted off to sleep. 

He was close to sleep now, with memories fresh and stinging in his brain, two drained bottles of wine on the night stand. 

His dreams were happy though, radiant even 

He’s standing in a room with Zayn, holding out a small velvet box, 

“think he’ll like it?” 

“Honestly Lou, you could propose with a macaroni necklace and Haz would say yes” 

Louis let out a breathy laugh “got the camera ready then?” 

“Yeah” 

He let out a long breath, “okay let’s do this”

Now he’s outside, on a black beach none the less, barefoot in the sand, he’s wearing a white suit with pale green accents, Zayn and Liam are beside him, and Niall across from him. Rows of familiar faces are spread out in front of him, and Harry is at the very back, white suit with baby blue.   
Green eyes are piercing his own, hands shaking inside of larger less stable ones. 

“hi”  
“hi” 

they both let out short laughs 

“Haz, I- I can’t believe I ever waited so long to tell you I wanted you to be mine, I always have you know, and I love you so much” 

He reaches up and tucks a stray curl behind Harry’s ear   
“You’ve been by my side for as long as I can remember, sharing experiences, good and bad, always supporting me and loving me through them, sharing laughs, hugs, kisses, cuddles, and even cries. I couldn’t live without you, or rather I’d do a bloody awful job, be completely miserable.” 

“Lou, I miss you, I- know I don’t want to ruin this for you, it’s so special, you’ve got everyone here, everyone important, I can’t thank you enough, this is beautiful but-“

“Don’t- just, just go with it…please” 

Harry looks down at his bare feet in the black sand, a tear falls down his cheek 

“okay… Louis, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I owe everything to you, from the first day at auditions all the way up until… now… you’ve done more for me than anyone – other than mum of course- and I seriously can’t thank you enough. You make me feel valued and loved and important, even if it came years later than it should’ve” they both laugh “you’re beautiful and smart and courageous and kind, and absolutely brilliant, and I want you to know that ever since I fell in love with you I’ve never loved anything more passionately or fiercely than how I love you, even when you’re stubborn and won’t wear socks, or I have to order curry at 3 am, but you’re wrong about one thing, and that’s going on without me, don’t get me wrong, I’d be an absolute wreck if I lost you, I – I can’t even think about it, but you’re so strong Lou, and it will be shit at first, but I know you, I know you inside and out, and eventually you will be okay, you’ll make something of yourself with or without me, but I am so happy you chose to build your life with me rather than without.” 

They share a long kiss

There are rose petals leading to Harry’s bed back in the flat, a bottle of champagne and candles everywhere 

“Louis? Lou? What is all this” 

Louis steps from the bathroom in soft joggers hanging low on his waist “ s’for you love, I know we can’t leave til morning, but I thought we would honor the husbandry a little tonight” 

“Husbandry? 

"Is that like vibey? Is this all an elaborate ruse so you can use that on the plane tomorrow when we play scrabble?” 

Louis slides up to him 

“course not you prat” 

and kisses him on the nose, mischievous grin running wild across his features

“buutttt now that you mention it” 

“oh shut it you twat come cuddle and drink champagne with me…. Husband” 

“surely… husband” 

they fall onto the bed in a fit of giggles, Harry popping the champagne open and taking a swig, 

“to us” he passes the bottle to Louis “to us” 

Louis kisses him long and hard before taking his own gulp of the bubbly drink. They snuggle in close, Louis tracing over Harry’s soft skin, while Harry does the same, dazily blinking up at him. They share soft kisses and lace their unoccupied hands together, Louis is drifting off to sleep he hears soft murmurs as hand run up and down his back. “love you lou, love you so much, miss you so much” 

When Louis wakes up, he’s still drunk, and it’s only half 10 at night. His voice is dry and cracked, he sees the light on in the bathroom and one on down the hall, he looks to his left and then around the room “Haz?” He stumbles out of the bed nearly braining himself on the nightstand. He walks into the dimly lit living room – nothing, patio- nothing, all over- nothing no Harry. He stumbled back into the living room and plopped down on the sofa, flicking on the tv was possibly the worst thing he could have done. 

 

Fans take over every trending hashtag on twitter for third day in a row as One Direction Star Harry Styles Funeral was held earlier this week in Holmes Chapel. 

Oh…   
oh… 

It all came flooding back much more quickly than he wanted. He quickly dived up from the couch and ran to the en-suite bathroom. The alcohol burned coming up, but Louis really didn’t care, he was already completely charred on the inside. 

Every heave over the toilet made his mind a bit clearer and a bit clearer, and the more clear the more he remembered, and the more he wanted to forget. He stands up on shaking knees, heads for the third and fourth bottle and grabs his keys. 

He shouldn’t be driving, but at this point he doesn’t really care anymore. He reaches the cemetery in one piece, and it’s 1am, driving for three hours should have sobered him up much more than it did, and now here he was open wine in hand, chugging and walking down the winding path. 

He runs his fingers down the cold stone, and plopped down on the grass. He laid back and looked up at the stars finishing off the bottle of wine. His voice comes out a whine and cracked, aching 

“haz, I- I- It’s been 4 day- officially one day, and I- I can’t do it, I know I promised you I would try but- I can’t I just can’t- Your mum and Gemma are okay without me- and I- just don’t know what to do now Haz, you’re… gone… like really gone… and I never thought you would be, but you are and I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t eat, I’ve been a right idiot and been drinking far more than I should, but I just can’t babe, I can’t do this, not without you. I could have done anything before, when you were here, but now I am so empty, and-“ he gulps “I wish I could have saved-d you baby- I- I love you so much, I’m- I’m so s-s-orry” Through ugly sobs and wet tears and strangled cries “I m-miss y-you, I – I why? Why did you have to go without me? I wanted more time- I – just wish I was with you, I’m so sorry- I- you- you didn’t deserve this Haz- I want-t to forget all of this so bad-dly but I d-don’t want-t to forget you, it’s so hard, nobody- I didn’t know it would be so hard, I just- I want it to be easier- and I- I know it won’t get easier-r” 

He’s on his fourth bottle and barely making any sense. 

“You looked s-so beautiful under stage lights you know that babe? I-I wanted to kiss you too- that day, in New York, I- I'm sorry I didn't, You know I bet you’re the brightest star up there, I loved you in LA and in New York and everywhere we’ve ever been. I- you’re the best love I’ve ever made, even if it was only a few times, nobody will ever compare you know? I-I’m sorry I almost burned the flat down that one time. I’m gonna read all those books- I- I’m sorry I never did before, I always said I would but didn’t I’m sorry I- I love you, and everything hurts so bad- I hope- it didn’t hurt you, I don’t think it did, I’m glad, I miss your skin, and your lips and your eyes, don’t look down from up there though, you’re scared of heights” 

Eventually it faded to I’m sorrys and I love yous and lots and lots of sobs before Louis faded into sleep right on the ground. 

A blaring ringtone pulled Niall out of a deep sleep with Lottie’s soft pleads   
“please get your phone, noooo, it’s too early”  
“sorry babe” 

He leans over and grabs his phone from the night table and heads out the room.   
“hello?”   
“Niall Horan?”   
“Yes? Who’s this?”   
“You’re listed as an emergency contact for Louis Tomlinson”   
“Louis? Is he okay what happened?!”

Niall is back in the bedroom pulling on clothes and shoes, kissing Lottie quick and grabbing the keys and sneaking out the full Tomlinson house. 

“He was brought in this morning for minor alcohol poisoning” 

“where?... what? What is he doing there?.. yeah okay yeah on my way”

Niall is already driving, he calls Jay and alerts her and after being scolded for not waking her, he then calls Anne, then the boys. He arrives rather quickly and rushes into the emergency department. 

“Louis Tomlinson?” 

The nurse looked up at him expectantly 

“oh oh, sorry, Niall Horan” He flashes her his ID.   
“He’s in room 212, go through those doors and take a right, three doors down on the left.   
“Thank you” 

He heads for the room, knocking before entering. Louis is sleeping peacefully in the bed. Niall walks over and shakes him awake 

“Louis! Lou!” Louis blinks awake slowly   
“Hey Ni”   
“Don’t hey Ni me! Are you joking right now?! You said you were fine, I’ve only been gone a day and you almost drink you’re self to death?!” 

Louis stays silent and Niall begins to pace the room 

“Jesus Louis, I almost had a heart attack this morning when I got the call you know, I thought you did it- thought you went and offed yer self because I knew, I know you can’t deal with this on yer own, and here ya go proving me right, I just, god Louis” He’s standing in front of Louis now and cupping his face “I can’t lose you too Lou, I just can’t none of us can, we can’t I’m barely getting on with Haz gone, I can’t lose you too, I know its harder for ya than any of us, but you leaving isn’t gonna make it easier, you’ll just be gone, but you will leave behind too much hurt, I don’t think Lottie could handle it, yer mum, I know I can’t, poor Li, he’d just die and Zayn would probably never leave the house ever again, Louis I want you ta be there when I marry yer sister one day fucks sake, please, please, I just, I need you to stay Louis, PLEASE I know it’s gonna be hard but we’re all here for ya, and right now it seems like nothin’ll fix it and nothing ever will make it right, but fuck Louis, you don’t need to go too, Haz would be so upset, I just Louis please please tell me you are getting the picture?” 

They both have tears running down their cheeks and Louis leans forward and pulls Niall in. Niall holds him and he cries a long long time wimpering 

“I’m sorry Ni, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry It’s so hard, I miss him so much, It just hurts, everything hurts” 

“Shh, s’okay Lou, Love you mate, love you so much” 

Liam is the second to arrive, in the middle of snot and tears. He’s soft, perches on the edge of the bed and moves some of Louis fallen fringe   
“No more drinking”   
“yeah”   
“and we are gonna have an extended sleep over and a long talk , and then you’re gonna talk to someone yeah?”   
“Yeah”   
“Love you Lou, love you so much, I know he’s gone, but we are still here, don’t wanna lose you too”   
they share a crushing hug  
“love you too Li” 

A few hours later Louis is cleared to go Liam and Niall in tow.   
“Back to your mums or you want to head to Li’s?” 

Louis looked down at his feet and mumbles out “could I go home?”   
“Lou, I don’t think that’s a good idea after all of this”   
Liam pipes up “come with me to mine, I’ll get what I need, and move in a bit okay?”  
Louis nods his head 

“just doesn’t feel right not going home”


	34. Not A Chapter - Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow

Hi guys, I am so sorry I basically disappeared off the earth, but alas college was upon me and I was immediately swamped, good news is as soon as winter break hits the epilogue will be here! thanks for those who have been waiting so patiently


	35. I love you to the moon, only a little further

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it is the Epilogue, thanks to everyone who has read and followed along, I'll write again someday soon! let me know how you liked it

Epilogue

Liam POV

The house was in shambles, nothing like how Harry would ever leave it, or Louis for that matter, but Louis really isn’t much of himself without Harry, and Harry, he’s gone. It’s not so shocking that they were in love with each other, and it’s not so shocking how lost Louis is without him, honestly if they weren’t in love I think he’d be just as lost. I’ve been here two days and he hasn’t left his room, I’ve gotten the place back in order so much as I could, and I’ve got a therapist coming to speak with him today. 

 

Louis POV  
It’s so dark without Harry, in the house, in my head, everything is just dark, I imagine this is what it felt like for Harry, atleast I hope so, I hope it was quiet and dark, I hope he was thinking of me, of all of us, and how much we love him. Liam has been amazing, I hope he’s not angry with me for not coming out, I’m just, and I’m not ready. I have to speak with someone today, maybe it will help. 

 

2 years later 

“Hello love, it’s been two years now you know, since you went on. So much has happened Hazza, I miss you every day still, I know I came almost every day that first year, and I’m sorry I haven’t come as much this year, but they say it’s best for me, I know you’re with me every day, so, you must know that I miss you. Life without you is so weird Haz, its boring, and lonely, I know you would have wanted me to be a lot further but things are hard, the band is over, and I just can’t get into music the same way as before, there’s no music without you. I’m sorry I might not have been as strong as you would have liked, but I promise I’m working on it, until next time my love” Louis drops 2 yellow tulips onto the earth and heaves a sigh, turning away and beginning to sob. 

 

3 years later

 

It’s been 5 years since the tragic loss of beloved One Direction member Harry Style’s death

 

The T.V. is shut off, It’s not that it hits so hard for Louis anymore, but it hits just as hard as ever  
He makes his way out the door, 5 tulips in his hand. Once he arrives, he’s comfortable, brought a blanket and all, it’s going to be a long day, he places the tulips on the ground in front of him.  
“Hey Harry, it’s been awhile, I’m sorry I’ve been gone from here for so long, I think, well I hope, that you are with me every day, so I don’t have to come here as often. But I’m here now because it’s been 5 years since you left, and I can’t say that it hurts any less, or that I miss you less, in fact I probably miss you more now, so many things have changed. I’ve gotten better, loads better really, I sold the house last year and got a big place between our Mum’s. Things with the studio have been going great. Liam and Sophia’s girls are getting so big, starting school in the fall. And Niall and Lots have one on the way, I wish you could have been here for the wedding, it was a party of course, you know how Ni is, Lots was proper mortified half way through it all, and I thought mum was going to lose it. Ed finally had a girl and Harry has gotten ridiculously tall, and none of us can quite figure how, Ed says he gets it from you. Z and Pezza are doing really good, Little Mix is starting to beat our records and Zayn swears he’s gonna reboot a new boy band just to beat her. Fizzy’s finished school now and the twins are almost done, Doris and Earnest have gotten way big and still remember their Hazza, Lux dedicated her Ballet recital to you a few years back, I made sure she knew how proud you were.” He lets out a long sigh and runs his hands over the cold marble. Tears start to slip out “I wish you were here for all of this Haz, you’d love it, we always said we would go back and have a proper life when this was all said and done, and now it’s here and everyone is living and I feel just right stuck, I’m working, I don’t drink a bottle a night anymore, I got rid of a lot of your things, what I could anyways, but there is still a bit of you in everything I do, from where I put the dishes in the cabinet to where I put that center piece you got us in Spain that year. Everything has a bit of you in it, and that’s why I think your still with me. I hope you never go, I don’t know if you are waiting on me, but I really hope so. I- I know you already know that I was ready to spend a whole lifetime with you, and build a family, and that’s why I’ve also come today, because I am doing something so important and I don’t know if you will be able to come along this time, so if you are looking around, I’m going to Africa, back to that village we went to so long ago with the boys, I just I need to get away and find something for me, find myself again maybe, because even though I’m functioning without you, I’m not happy and I want to be happy. So love, I’ll be back in a year, keep me safe if you can, I love you, you will always be in my heart.” 

 

1 year later , and a couple months late 

 

Louis approaches the grave that he’s been too more times than he’d like to admit  
“Hey Haz, I’m back, in one piece and all sorry I’m a bit late , I know you couldn’t really come along for this trip but it was exactly what I needed and I know you are proud of me. I need to tell you some wonderful things that happened, Firstly I went off to Africa and found myself, I worked with the hospital we went to all those years ago, they remembered me and even asked about you, and were sorry that you were gone, I lived with one of the nurses and her family for the whole year. I read all those books you left me, while I was there and did a lot of thinking, you are the greatest person I know, even though you are gone Haz, and I decided that even though I could never move on, I could still live my life in a way that would make you proud of me” He pauses and turns around motioning for the curly headed tot to come to him. “Edward, this is Harry, Harry, this is Edward, my son” Edward tots forward and runs his hand on the stone turning back to Louis “Harrah?” “yeah baby that Harry, remember his picture on our wall” The boy turns back and touches the stone again “daddy love Harrah” and starts to giggle wildly “flowers for daddy’s Harrah” “that’s right bubs the flowers are for my Harry, bring them to me please love” The child dashes back to the car, “So Harry, that’s little Edward, Edward Andrew Styles Tomlinson, I know we never got the chance to be married, or have a family together, but really I think you are still here with us, and I know you will love him like you love me and watch over us both, I can’t wait to see you again someday my love, thank you for everything you have ever done for me, and thank you for all the time you shared with me and with this place.” Edward is back “Here Harrah flowers!” he throws them up in the air and the splash down against the earth and stone, “Life of the party this one Haz, not a clue where he’s gotten it from, must be letting Niall babysit to much” Though your mum says it's just like you were when you were young, Louis laughs to himself and runs his hand along the marker. “Daddy park play please” Edward asks while tugging on Louis trousers. He smiles to himself, “yes darling, run along to the car, tell Harry goodbye” Edward reaches up and hugs the rock, “bye Harrah later see you! Dadda and I park play time” He dashes off and Louis smiles, Quietly he takes a deep breath and looks up 

 

“I love you Harry Styles, to the moon, back, and to wherever you are I love you.... see you soon”


End file.
